Varieties of Boyfriends and Girlfriends, from Matt Groening

The 9 Varieties of Boyfriends

Joe Delicate – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
Also referred to as: Mr. Good Man, Household man, Honey, Darling, Smooth-boiled Egg,
Snugglepup
Benefits: Properly-behaved; irons personal shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Outdated Man Grumpus – “Persons are silly. The world can go to hell. Let’s
keep residence and watch TV.”
Also referred to as: Grumbles, Bitter puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Outdated Fogey, Gradual
Mover, Jerk
Benefits: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal ache within the ass

Flinchy – “I–I am sorry for no matter it was I did.”
Also referred to as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Benefits: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Simply spooked; surrenders with out a battle

Bigfoot – “Shut yer entice, I am thinkin’.”
Also referred to as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Large ‘n’
Dumb
Benefits: Can tote bales; is definitely fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones – “Zzzzzz”
Also referred to as: Fortunate Canine, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Benefits: Properly rested; simple goal
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your desires

The Sneak – “Who, me?”
Also referred to as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Benefits: Might really feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: Could also be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed
weasels, OK?”
Also referred to as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Benefits: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer – “Sometime I will be wealthy and well-known. I do not know the way,
but–”
Also referred to as: Struggling artist, Thinker, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Idiot
Benefits: Tells good tales
Disadvantages: Will flip into “Outdated Man Grumpus”

Mr. Proper – “Whereas the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like
crazed weasels in my new yacht, okay?”
Also referred to as: Mr. Excellent, Jim Dandy
Benefits: Reply to a lady‘s prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

The 9 Varieties of Girlfriends

Ms. Good Man – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you should not
have”
Also referred to as: What a gal, valuable, one of many boys, my primary squeeze,
doormat
Benefits: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: Might clever up sometime

Outdated Yeller – “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of
a bitch! Cannot you see you are making me depressing??”
Also referred to as: She-Satan, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Outdated Girl, Warthog from
Hell
Benefits: Pays consideration to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My ft. My cramps. My cellulite”
Also referred to as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Benefits: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser – “Rise up straight. Placed on a unique tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some cash. Do not give me that look.”
Also referred to as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, sure
Mother
Benefits: Usually proper
Disadvantages: Usually proper, however so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I simply can’t resolve. Ought to I swap my
profession, targets, residence, and hair coloration?”
Also referred to as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c’mon Honey
Benefits: Simply soothed
Disadvantages: Much more simply perturbed

Wild Lady out of Management – “I’ve obtained an concept. Lez get drunk an’ make love
onna entrance garden. I performed it earlier than. S’enjoyable.”
Also referred to as: Quick woman, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, handed out
Benefits: Extra enjoyable than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in these foolish cartoons you retain snickering
at”
Also referred to as: No enjoyable, humorless prig, Chilly fish, Chilly proposition,
iceberg, Snarly
Benefits: Your folks will really feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You’ll have no pals

Lady from Mars – “I consider this interpretive dance will clarify how I
really feel about our relationship”
Also referred to as: The Babbler, Spooky Lady, Screwball, Loony, Unhealthy Information,
Creative
Benefits: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will learn her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl – “I’m completely content material with you simply the way in which you might be, my
good-looking genius of a boyfriend. I believe we should make love like crazed
weasels now”
Also referred to as: Ms. Proper, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Beautiful
Benefits: Humorous, clever uninhibited
Disadvantages: Can have nothing to do with you

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