Tagged: Politics

Empire News – Michelle Obama Officially Announces Her Candidacy for President

PHILADELPHIA, PA – 

Michelle Obama, the wife of former president Barack Obama, has announced that she will be running for president in the 2020 election.

“I know I’m a lot later than most people, but to be honest, there’s no reason to start running 2 years before the election,” said Michelle Obama from the family home in Philadelphia. “It’s much easier to wait until the ‘little people’ drop out, and we can see what’s left of the field. At this point, the field is pretty bland, so I’m going to come in and mow it down.”

Obama, who was highly involved in education and children’s health during her husband’s two terms, says that she plans to continue her advocacy for the young people of America.

“Kids are our future, and education and health are the most important things for the next generation,” said Obama. “I have no stance at all on foreign policy, taxes, abortion, religion, or literally anything else. My platform is the children, and between that and my name, I think I have a great shot of becoming the Democratic nominee, and our next president.”

Joe Biden Has Selected Hillary Clinton As New Director of The FBI

Joe Biden has selected Hillary Clinton as the next director of the FBI. Clinton will assume office at the end of the month.

As the new director of the FBI, Hillary Clinton will be in charge of every federal investigation that the department processes. She’ll be able to decide if the FBI will pursue or throw away cases at her disclosure.

Critics are stating that Hillary Clinton doesn’t have the experience to be qualified for a position of that caliber, but supporters are excited for her new role.

When Hillary Clinton enters her new position, she will be handling the investigations on election fraud, Russian collusion, tax evasion, and other high profile investigations.

 

Andrew Cuomo Invites Reporters To Abandoned Warehouse For Press Conference

Seeking to set the record straight, Governor Cuomo has invited reporters to visit him at a local dockside warehouse where he will finally give them answers. Cuomo made the announcement early in the morning following further questions regarding his conduct in office.

“Listen, you need to stop with these questions, this is getting ridiculous. I’ve gotta run for president in a couple of years and this is cramping my style. Talk to my cousin Luca, he’ll tell you I’m a nice guy, a family man. I can see none of you are satisfied with that though, so how about this? You swing by the old warehouse tomorrow night and I’ll finally give you all what you deserve. Capeesh?”

When reporters raised concerns of the unprofessional manner in which the press conference was announced, Cuomo assured everyone things would be alright.

“Listen, you’ve known me for years. We’re family now, you come over to my place, you’ve all tried my sauce. You love the sauce, my wife loves the company, you’re good people. You made some mistakes, sure, we all have. That’s why tonight we’re gonna deal with this like men. We’re gonna talk this out at the docks and come morning we’re all gonna walk away feeling better about everything. Well, we’re not all gonna walk away, some of us are gonna limp away. Others won’t be moving at all, you get what I’m trying to say?”

Cuomo then lit a cigar and put on a fedora before leaving the scene in an all black limo.

 

CDC Now Working On A Vaccine That Prevents Conservatism

The CDC has announced that they are developing a new vaccine that cures conservatism. Senate democrats issued a national emergency that gives them power to direct the CDC to their will.

Democrats have claimed that conservatism is spreading at an alarming and dangerous rate. Scientists that are backing this claim are saying that social distancing and wearing a mask is not enough to prevent conservatism.

The official website of the CDC claims the symptoms of conservatism are: believing fake news, thinking Donald Trump won the 2020 presidential election, not wearing masks during a pandemic, and having a parlor account.

The CDC is estimating about 6 months before the vaccine is fully developed. Once the vaccine is ready for nation wide rollout, it will be injected in Taco Bell food to ensure all Americans get their proper dose.