How To Be Really Annoying
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars, to see if they slow down.
* Practice making faxmodem noises.
* If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way”.
* Drum on every available surface.
* Remove every line of someone’s .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.
* Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
* Set alarms for random times.
* Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…”
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
* Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed’s stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
* Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
* Wear your pants backwards.
* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
* Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
* Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed’s “Metal Machine Music”.
* Leave someone’s printer in compressed-italic-Cyrillic-landscape mode.
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* don’t use any punctuation either
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s road maps.
* Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?”
“Never mind, it’s gone now.”
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador”.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
* Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One”.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Sing the “This is the song that never ends…” song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up”, and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog “Dog”.
* Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
* Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot”.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies’ “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to “interface” with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing”.
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!”
* Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy”.
* Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend”.
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles”.
* Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as “sticky wicket isn’t ricket.”
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture”.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend “tricorder”, and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
* Call in sick, then show up.