The Most Hilarious Family Guy Quotes
Brian: Peter, those are cheerios.Peter: Excuse me, is your refridgerater running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you – very homosexually.
Vacuum repairman: There you go, all fixed. Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake.
Peter: Oh. Well, did you save it?
Vacuum repairman: Uh, no.
Peter: You bastard.
Death: Oh great! Thanks a lot. As if it wasnt already hard enough to fit in.
Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.
Peter: Wow, just like that show Big Brother … except somebody’ll be watching.Lois: Where would he go?
Peter: I don’t know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and Crackerjacks.
Brian: I don’t care if he ever gets back. I wasn’t being cute, I really hope he’s dead.
P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I’m probably over the thirty day return limit but umm… I’m sure if you make a fuss they’ll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It’s actually not a horrible sweater. It’s… It’s just I can’t imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I’m not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I’ll find the garment it goes to and then it’ll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever.
P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I’m actually going to take the sweater.
Pope – He’s cooking up a something good!
Death: Well, that would just leave England.
Peter: I’ll tell you what it’s not for, son. And when I do, you’ll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
Peter: Oh, no, no, Lois, he didn’t mean you’re crazy like Elizabeth Taylor. He meant you’re crazy, like that glue. You stick to things, y’know, like an adhesive. That’s all he meant.Meg: I just want to kill myself I’m gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I’m alergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?
Peter: Now listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I’m holding mellons.
Man: And her hooters aint bad either.
Peter: Now hold on a second.
Lois: Peter! I’m holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem .
Man: Your wife’s hot.
Peter: Alright that’s it!
Quagmire: Yeah, just thinkin’ about her makes my testicles wanna drop. Ooh, speak of the devil. Ooh, make the devils.Peter: Look at this, Lois, see right here [points in book], I was voted most likely to succeed!
Lois: Peter, that’s not you. That’s not even a yearbook, it’s a People magazine.
Peter: Oh, I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name.
Peter: No, I’m just exhausted ’cause I’ve been up all night drinking.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn’t nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.
Lois: Peter, I’m talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois: You pasted it over me.
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.Stewie: There’s always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it’s not so much that I want to kill her, it’s just, I want her not to be alive anymore.
Peter: What the hell does RANT mean?Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat.
Chris: I want a new hat.
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!
Chris: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and…
Peter: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.
Peter: Three days! That’s tomorrow! We gotta get going.
Quagmire: Butter’s in the fridge!
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Stewie: I was curious!
Peter: Maybe it’s because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second – RARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
Peter: Why? They’re just gonna get hungry again in an hour.
Quagmire: Everybody likes feet.
Stewie: Well, then I shall sit here until one of us expires, and you’ve got a good forty years on me, woman.
Lois: Sweetie, it’s broccoli, it’s good for you. Now open up for the airplane …
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers.
Brian: The same thing that always happens, she was an idiot.Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people’s phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?
Quagmire: I’d do anything for you.
UPS Woman: Package for Mr. G. Quagmire.
Quagmire: OK, hold on a sceond. [Shuts door, takes pants off, and opens door again]
Quagmire: I’ve got a package for you too… [Showing penis] Alright!
Bellboy(spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said “me llamo es Brian,” you don’t need the “es,” just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak english
Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You …. you’re kidding me, right?
Security Guard: Alright son, we’re gonna need those two hams back.
Chris: Huh? I don’t have any hams.
Guard: Lift up your shirt, son.
Chris: I need an adult! I need an adult!
Guard: You’re not a shoplifter, you’re just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty fat fatty. Hey Tom he’s just a fat kid! Aren’t you, fatty? You’re just a big ol’ fat kid. Here’s some chocolate fatso.
(opens closet door and a skeleton of a pony is there)
Peter: Oh, oh god, that’s right ponies, ponies like food.
Peter: Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says.
Meg: But it just went down the drain.
Mayor West: The hit when you least expect it.
Mayor West: SHOW YOURSELVES COWARDS! I’ve spent $1000 dollars of the tax payers money trying to find these thieves and I’ll spend $1000000 if thats what it takes!
Meg: You know, I think I have my story.
Mayor West: NO! WAIT! You can’t print that! Thank god shes just a figment of my imagination.
Meg Griffin: No.
Glen Quagmire: Just checkin’.Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that’s funny! That’s really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I’ve, I’ve never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You’re the first. I’ve never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that’s what she says on the show right? Isn’t it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you’ve taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That’s so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we’re hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you’re so funny!
Brian: You want an explanation? God is pissed!Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protestors burned down our porta-potties and I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.
Peter: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
Peter:AAAHHHHH… ohh sorry, i still haven’t gotten over the loss of party of five.
I.R.S.: Well as I was saying you are not getting a tax refund.
Peter:AAAHHHHHH… oh Party of Five. What were you saying?
IRS: You’re not intitled for a tax refund.
IRS: Was that for Party of Five again?
Peter: No, that was for my tax refund! What the hell is Party of Five!?
Quagmire: Don’t feel so bad Peter
Peter: Hey, I never thought of it that way.
Peter: That’s nothing a phone call can’t fix.
Stewie: I’d love to stay and chat but, you’re a total bitch.