Great, Short Jokes That’ll Get You A Laugh

Keep the jokes short, quick and awesome funny. No one wants to read a long joke just to find out it’s not that funny. Short jokes is the answer. Who has time for long jokes anyway.

weird jokes

My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Edinburgh zoo.

Why do women wear make up and perfume? Because they’re ugly and they smell bad.

Buddhist approaches hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”

“This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.”

When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

I dated a girl once with a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it I swear you could smell the ocean.

What should you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it, man.

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

  Donald Trump meets the Queen

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prints.

What did the gay deer say leaving the bar? I can’t believe I blew 50 bucks back there.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they take everything literally.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere…

How come Hitler never drank? Because it made him mean.

The thing about steak humour is that it’s a rare medium well done.

A man came into the hospital with a plastic horse stuck up his arse, his condition was stable.

Jurisprudence fetishist gets off on technicality.

6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t Happy.

Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought, “That’s a little condescending.”

A man with two left feet buys a pair of flip flips.

A Freudian slip is where you say one thing, but you mean your mother.

Two nuns are riding their bicycles through a small village. One says to the other, “Oh, I haven’t come this way before.” The other nun turns to her and says, “It must be the cobblestones.”

  Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.

Why don’t chickens wear underwear? Because their pecker’s on their head.

Interview: “What is your greatest weakness?” “Honesty.” “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.” “I don’t give a fuck what you think.”

A horse walks into a bar… Many people leave seeing the potential danger in the situation.

A guy came into a bar, wait no, a horse…a guy came into a horse.

How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram.

It’s really confusing when sentences don’t end the way you think they octopus.

They say the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Unless he’s a vegan. Then you can get there through his vagina.

This thesaurus is terrible. It’s also terrible.

An agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac stays up all night wondering if there’s a dog.

I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming, like the people in his car.

My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war. Never, ever talked about it though.

  Blonde girl kidnap a kid

Guy asks for a book on suicide. Librarian says, “Fuck you, you aren’t going to return it.”

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb? …Wanna ride bikes?!

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so… retired mermaids.

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. First in says, “Boy it’s hot in here.” Second one says, “Holy shit, a talking muffin!”

A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre, so the bartender gives it to her.

You heard about the new Chris Brown doll? Battery’s included.

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