Couple Tearfully Agrees It’s Time to Main Other People
ROCKVILLE CENTRE, N.Y. — After several years of mastering each others’ subtle quirks, local couple Arjun Irukulapati and Ellen Cervantes have regretfully decided the time is right to start maining other people.
“Honestly, it’s unrealistic to main just one person for your entire life,” explained Cervantes, who clarified that she loved every minute that she mained Irukulapati. “And look, maybe in a year or two I’ll realize he’s my forever main — but I have to see what other characters are out there.”
“Some people think you can main more than one person at a time, but I don’t think I’m ready for that,” Cervantes admitted. “Others suggested we take a vacation or do couples therapy, but that just felt like DLC — Drained Lover Concepts — that would only prolong the inevitable.”
Irukulapati expressed a similar sentiment, emphasizing that by any measure, it had been an S-tier pairing, but that being the best on paper is very different from being the best in the arena of love.
“There wasn’t anything wrong with our relationship,” Irukulapati insisted. “But we’d settled into a rhythm of using the same move combos over and over again — where’s the fun in that?”
“And to be honest, we had a pretty Final Destination sex life,” Irukulapati revealed. “Flat, no items, 6-8 minute time limit. I’m just saying, I would’ve liked to try some freaky WarioWare shit at least once.”
Cervantes’s roommate, Georgia Auchter, was relieved that the couple finally stopped sidestepping their problems; in her view, the separation was not a super sudden death.
“It got to the point where when I’d watch them fight, I could predict every move,” Auchter recounted. “The baiting, the pressuring, the projectiles. I kept asking myself: isn’t [a relationship] supposed to be fun?”
At press time, the couple’s friends took the news of their breakup with maximum knockback.
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