Absolute Finest Assortment of Chuck Norris Info

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Invoice Gates lives in fixed worry that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.

Ghosts are literally brought on by Chuck Norris killing individuals sooner than Demise can course of them.

Chuck Norris can construct a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless telephone.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he does not flip the lights on, he turns the darkish off.

Chuck Norris as soon as had a heart attack; his coronary heart misplaced.

When Chuck Norris seems to be in a mirror the mirror shatters, as a result of not even glass is silly sufficient to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Brett Favre can throw a soccer over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even additional.

The final digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He’s the top of all issues.

Chuck Norris doesn’t know the place you reside, however he is aware of the place you’ll die.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking signal doesn’t signify that this spot is for handicapped individuals. It’s truly in reality a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you may be handicapped if you happen to park there.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March thirty first to April 2nd, nobody fools Chuck Norris.

For those who spell Chuck Norris flawed on Google it does not say, “Did you imply Chuck Norris?” It merely replies, “Run when you nonetheless have the prospect.”

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

As soon as a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After 5 days of excruciating ache, the cobra died.

When Chuck Norris provides you the finger, he is telling you what number of seconds you’ve gotten left to stay.

Chuck Norris does not have hair on his testicles, as a result of hair doesn’t develop on metal.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one chicken.

Chuck Norris was as soon as on Superstar Wheel of Fortune and was the primary to spin. The subsequent 29 minutes of the present consisted of everybody standing round awkwardly, ready for the wheel to cease.

Main hand sanitizers declare they will kill 99.9 % of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of no matter he needs.

There is no such thing as a such factor as world warming. Chuck Norris was chilly, so he turned the solar up.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fireplace with a magnifying glass. At evening.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… except it will get in his approach.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to observe 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris as soon as shot down a German fighter aircraft along with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

In a mean front room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris may use to kill you, together with the room itself.

Behind each profitable man, there’s a lady. Behind each lifeless man, there’s Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic desk, as a result of Chuck Norris solely acknowledges the aspect of shock.

Chuck Norris obtained his drivers license on the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising price of gasoline, Chuck Norris is starting to fret about his ingesting behavior.

The sq. root of Chuck Norris is ache. Don’t attempt to sq. Chuck Norris, the result’s loss of life.

There is no such thing as a chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There may be solely one other fist.

In effective print on the final web page of the Guinness E-book of World Data it notes that each one world data are held by Chuck Norris, and people listed within the ebook are merely the closest anybody else has ever gotten.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is ache.

Chuck Norris is at the moment suing NBC, claiming Regulation and Order are trademarked names for his left and proper legs.

The Nice Wall of China was initially created to maintain Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ approach of telling the world that generally corn must lie the fuck down.

Chuck Norris as soon as commented, “There are few issues on this world that can’t be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Actually, there are none.”

Chuck Norris as soon as ate a complete ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Child.

Chuck Norris is ten ft tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fireplace, and will eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

Chuck Norris is a person of few phrases. Chuck Norris is just not a person of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse truly stay in Chuck Norris’s nutsack.

When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in sluggish movement, one finds that Chuck Norris truly rapes his sufferer within the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, after which roundhouse kicks them within the face.

Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty again collectively once more, solely to roundhouse kick him within the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all of the king’s horses and all of the king’s males. The king himself couldn’t attend for unspecified causes. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the reason for loss of life to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is just one King.

When Chuck Norris performed golf for cash, chuck marked down a gap in 0 each time, a professional on the golf membership, stated to Chuck: “excuse me sir, however you cant rating zero on a gap”. Chuck Norris turned in the direction of the person and stated, im Chuck Norris, the person then proceeded to pour gasoline over his physique and set himself on fireplace as a result of that will be much less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him within the face anyhow.

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is “The Two”

Chuck Norris’ iPod got here with an actual charger as an alternative of only a USB wire

Chuck Norris is aware of the place Carmen Sandiego is.

Rudolph has a crimson nostril as a result of he obtained lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him throughout the face a number of occasions

China was as soon as bordering the US, till Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it during the Earth.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was speaking about

In case you have 5 {dollars} and Chuck Norris has 5 {dollars}, Chuck Norris has more cash than you.

Chuck Norris despatched Jesus a birthday card on December twenty fifth and it wasn’t Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to right Chuck Norris and to today December twenty fifth is called Jesus’ birthday.

When Chuck Norris had surgical procedure, the anesthesia was utilized to the medical doctors.

Chuck Norris as soon as broke the land velocity document on a bicycle that was lacking its chain and the again tire.

Chuck Norris as soon as kicked a child elephant into puberty

A number of individuals have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.

Chuck Norris as soon as tried to put on glasses. The outcome was him seeing around the globe to the purpose the place he was trying in the back of his personal head.

Pee Wee Herman obtained arrested for masturbating in public. The identical day, Chuck Norris obtained an award for masturbating in public.

As soon as a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck confirmed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, as a result of it could be the much less painful option to die.

If Chuck Norris is late, time higher sluggish the fuck down

Chuck Norris sleeps with an evening mild. Not as a result of Chuck Norris is afraid of the darkish, however the darkish is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can contact MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris ordered a Massive Mac at Burger King, and obtained one.

Chuck Norris all the time has intercourse on the primary date. All the time.

A Handicap parking signal doesn’t signify that this spot is for handicapped individuals. It’s truly in reality a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you may be handicapped if you happen to park there.

Chuck Norris ceaselessly donates blood to the Purple Cross. Simply by no means his personal.

There is no such thing as a such factor as tornados. Chuck Norris simply hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris by no means cries, due to this when he is unhappy he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him really feel higher since he is aware of he’s the one one who can survive the roundhouse.

Chuck Norris doesn’t procreate, he breeds

When requested what sort of auto he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with “Do not you imply what sort of automobile drives me?”

Chuck Norris’ evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, as soon as approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, however on the sight of Richard’s curly, nicely stored hair, Chuck Norris turned so enraged that he turned inexperienced with hate and ripped Richard Simmons legs and arms off. This motion was the origin of the Marvel Comedian badass, The Unimaginable Hulk.

Chuck Norris does not fear about altering his clock twice a yr for daylight financial savings time. The solar rises and units when Chuck tells it to.

Chuck Norris solely masturbates to photos of Chuck Norris.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris introduced a stillborn child lamb again to life by giving it a chronic beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang again to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew as soon as extra that Chuck giveth, and the nice Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He introduced child Jesus the reward of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The opposite Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ apparent reward favoritism, used their mixed affect to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly in any case three died of roundhouse kick associated deaths.

Chuck Norris used stay ammunition throughout all shoot-outs. When a director as soon as stated he couldn’t, he replied, “In fact I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him within the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 on the identical time? Reply: Chuck Norris.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a scenario, Chuck Norris performs lifeless. When taking part in lifeless doesn’t work, he performs zombie.

Though it’s not frequent data, there are literally three sides to the Pressure: the sunshine facet, the darkish facet, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to consider that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. However then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so exhausting, and with a lot warmth and stress, that the scientists was synthetic Chuck Norris.

God supplied Chuck Norris the reward to fly, which he swiftly declined for tremendous energy roundhouse skill.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds as a result of it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the shop so exhausting it turned a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. Chuck Norris is solely chargeable for this phenomenon. When requested why he’ll merely stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris as soon as tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a sport of chess. When Norris misplaced, he received in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov within the facet of the face.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so highly effective, it may be seen from outer house by the bare eye.

Chuck Norris doesn’t consider in Germany.

If you’d like a listing of Chuck Norris’ enemies, simply examine the extinct species checklist.

Chuck Norris has by no means blinked in his whole life. By no means.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have to swallow when consuming meals.

If Superman and The Flash had been to race to the sting of house you realize who would win? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in automobile mode and poos them out reworked right into a robotic.

Satirically, Chuck Norris’ hidden expertise is invisibility.

Chuck Norris owns the best poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world sequence of poker regardless of him holding only a joker, a 2 of golf equipment, a 7 of spades, and a inexperienced quantity 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris invented a language that includes karate and roundhouse kicks. So subsequent time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or harm, he could also be simply attempting to let you know he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris went on the lookout for a bar however couldn’t discover one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Positive sufficient inside an hour an a half somebody constructed a bar round him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, after which burned the place to the bottom. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “all the time go away issues the best way you discovered em!”

One time whereas sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris unintentionally misplaced his left testicle. You is perhaps conversant in it to this very day by its technical time period: Jupiter.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s actual father.

Opposite to standard perception, Chuck Norris, not the field jellyfish of northern Australia, is essentially the most venomous creature on earth. Inside 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the next signs: fever, blurred imaginative and prescient, beard rash, tightness of the denims, and the sensation of being repeatedly kicked via a automobile windshield.

Chuck Norris doesn’t use spell examine. If he occurs to misspell a phrase, Oxford will merely change the precise spelling of it.

Earlier than science was invented it was as soon as believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked each tree in existence.

Within the authentic pilot for Star Trek Subsequent Technology, Chuck Norris could be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive along with his roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris isn’t lactose illiberal. He simply doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Slightly he kicks ass till he’s full.

Scientists in Washington have just lately conceded that, if there have been a nuclear struggle, all that will stay are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris as soon as threated to sue Burger King as a result of they refused to make it his approach. When requested what “his approach” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, in fact”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

Chuck Norris by no means “will get laid”, quite: “laid will get Chuck”.

Playgirl journal as soon as requested Chuck Norris to seem bare in a difficulty, Chuck laughed on the opporunity saying “there isn’t sufficient paper on the earth to comprise my bearded member”. He then killed the editors just by unzipping his pants.

Helen Keller’s favourite shade is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris as soon as walked down the road with a large erection. There we no survivors.

When Chuck Norris’s spouse burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck stated, “Don’t fear about it honey,” and went into his yard. He got here again 5 minutes later with a stay turkey, ate it entire, and when he threw it up just a few seconds later it was totally cooked and got here with cranberry sauce. When his spouse requested him how he had finished it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and stated, “By no means query Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris doesnt have AIDS however he provides it to individuals anyway.

While you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

On June seventh 1994, Chuck Norris entered the identical restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was consuming at. Instinctively, Cindy swept all the things off the desk, threw herself on it in a match of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck completed his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck’s magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy’s womb it went straight to one in all her ovaries and roared, “Which one in all you servile wenches thinks you’ll be able to deal with getting cut up
open by the Chuck!?” The entire eggs cowered within the nook. The identical factor occurred on the different ovary. “I did not fucking assume so!” shouted the lead sperm which then lead the remainder of the troops again into Chuck’s balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy within the face and instructed her, “Do not ever waste my time once more.”

Chuck Norris can piss into gale power winds.

There are not any disabled individuals. Solely individuals who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris received ‘Jumanji’ with out ever saying the phrase. He merely beat the residing shit out of all the things that was thrown at him, and the sport forfeited.

Chuck Norris as soon as guess NASA he may survive re-entry and not using a spacesuit. On July nineteenth, 1999, a unadorned Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s ambiance, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 levels. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was
a meteor, and nonetheless owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris obtained an ideal rating on his SAT’s, just by writing Chuck Norris for each reply.

Aliens do exist. They’re simply ready for Chuck Norris to die earlier than they assault.

Chuck Norris as soon as ate three 72 oz. steaks in a single hour. He spent the primary 45 minutes having intercourse along with his waitress.

After a lot debate, President Truman determined to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima quite than the choice of sending Chuck Norris. It was extra “humane”.

Chuck Norris does not see lifeless individuals. He makes individuals lifeless.

Chuck Norris as soon as went to a frat occasion, and proceeded to roundhouse each popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their flooring, simply because he is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris came upon about Conan O’Brien’s lever that reveals clips from “Walker: Texas Ranger” and is engaged on a option to make it present clips of Norris having intercourse with Conan’s spouse.

Chuck Norris does not have regular white blood cells such as you and I. His have a small black ring round them. This signifies that they’re black belts in each type of martial arts and so they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That is why Chuck Norris by no means will get sick.

Chuck Norris’s girlfriend as soon as requested him how a lot wooden a woodchuck may chuck if a woodchuck may chuck wooden. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Do not fuck with Chuck!” Two years and 5 months later he realized the irony of this assertion and laughed so exhausting that anybody inside 100 mile radius of the blast went deaf.

There are not any races, solely international locations of individuals Chuck Norris has overwhelmed to completely different shades of black and blue.

The grass is all the time greener on the opposite facet, except Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most certainly soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris invented his personal sort of karate. It is referred to as Chuck-Will-Kill.

Chuck Norris invented black. Actually, he invented all the spectrum of seen mild. Besides pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

No person does not like Sara Lee. Besides Chuck Norris.

The present Survivor had the unique premise of placing individuals on an island with Chuck Norris. there have been no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.

Chuck Norris is the rationale why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris doesn’t “type” his hair. It lays completely in place out of sheer terror.

Alongside along with his black belt, Chuck Norris typically chooses to put on brown footwear. Nobody has DARED name him on it. Ever.

While you’re Chuck Norris, something + something is the same as 1…. 1 roundhouse kick to the face..

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