I recently wrote a story and was wondering if the internet could rate it and tell me how it is. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.
Heres the story-
Hi guys! My name is Ryder Kelly and today is the most important day of my life. My maths exam. I’ll pause to let that sink in. Ahem, so anyway today is my maths final exam. This is one of those exams that decides the rest of your goddamn life! Nice right? One exam that decides it all. No! this isn’t nice! Why you may ask?. Well, if I put it simply- I suck at maths!. I mean why was maths even invented in the first place?! It causes nothing but misery, pain, grief, sadness, frustration, anger, ahem maybe I should stop now. The list is pretty long. Anyways, here’s how the story begins…..
I woke up to the sound of my alarm.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
It rang. “Oh, shut up”, I said. Today’s the day! I thought sarcastically. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. The time was 8:30 am and I need to reach the exam hall by 9. So, I quickly brushed my teeth, took a shower, and then changed my clothes. Well, at least this is going well, I thought.
“Ryder? Are you ready?”, My mom called.
“Yes, Mom”, I said.
I buttoned my shirt as I went into the kitchen for breakfast.
“Good Morning, Mom,” I said
“Good Morning, Son?”, She said
“Yes, Mom”, I said
“Do you have your revision notes, your pencil? your pen? and your ruler? That’s important too! She said the pitch of her voice rising word by word.
“I’m ready mom! Relax I will be fine-“
My sentence was cut short by my father entering the room and saying-
“Now why are you lying?, we all know there is no need to worry as maths is your favorite and strongest subject, right?”, He said jokingly.
“Yes, Dad”, I said
BEEP BEEP BEEP
“Alright I gotta go”, I said
“Be safe and don’t talk to strangers!”, My Mom said.
“I know mom, I am not a 5 year old, I am 16! I will be alright!”, I said
“Go get ‘em’, Son!”, My father said.
“Bye guys. See you later”, I said.
Little did I know that I was never going to see my parents again.
Exam! ( Also I hate Maths)
Only five minutes were left. The room was silent. The teacher was arranging the papers and checking her watch. My best friend, Matt was sitting two seats across me. He waved at me and smiled. Of course, he smiled, he wasn’t nervous about maths!
RING RING RING, the bell rang
Something curled up inside me and died. That was probably my confidence
The teacher started handing the question papers.
Something else froze to death inside me. That was my brain.
She started walking down my aisle.
She laid down my question paper and told me to sign my death warrant- I mean the attendance sheet.
I turned over my sheet at looked at the questions. The word doomed echoed inside me. Shut up, I told my brain. I started writing the paper. Every time a question I didn’t know appeared the word doomed kept echoed inside my head.
10 minutes passed
20 minutes passed
Another 30 minutes passed
An hour passed
Then I heard it. It sounded like a distant scream. It sounded as if someone screamed at the top of their lungs.
I looked up from my paper. Did anyone else hear it? I thought
Everyone else was busy writing their paper
Concentrate! My brain said
I continued writing my paper.
Then I heard it again. Except this time the voice was very close. The voices kept coming closer and closer and closer. By this point, everyone was hearing it. I looked around, there were nervous faces all around.
“What is that ma’am?”, A boy asked, his voice quivering.
“It’s probably some kind of animal, the caretaker will scare it away, you concentrate on writing your paper” She replied.
I looked at Matt. It was like I looked in a mirror. His face was pale and nervous like mine. There were nervous faces all around.
We heard it again except this time the voice was closer, except this time the voice said something
“Doomed” the voice whispered. Everyone in the room sat straight up. Some of the students even stood up.
“Calm down, everyone,” The invigilator said.
“That didn’t sound like an animal ma’am,” One girl said, tears forming in her eyes.
“It’s nothing students, continue your paper”, She replied
“Doomed” We heard the voice. This time 1 student stood up and ran out of the room sobbing,
“Doomed” We heard it again. Except this time the voice was right outside our door. There was something eerily strange about the voice. It didn’t sound quite normal. I didn’t sound quite, humanoid. It was the kind of voice that sent a chill down your spine. The kind of voice that would make you wanna cry for your mama. The kind of voice that wanted to rip you from limb to limb………….
“Uh, oh”, I said
Then all hell broke loose.
Welcome to the end of the world, people!
The door was pushed open by something that should not exist. I mean that… thing should not exist at all. The creature that pushed open the door was a living, breathing…………. zombie. Where its nose should have been there was a gaping hole. Its eyes were completely white. Veins were visible all over its body. Blood was flowing from its shoulder. Out of the door came another ten zombies. And then, all hell broke loose. Many people screamed. The zombies seemed sluggish but very aggressive. They leaped on everyone. Ripped to shred almost everything that stood between them. The invigilator was the first one to go down. She screamed as two zombies jumped on her. The people who were paralyzed with fear were the next ones to go down. The people who averted their eyes were next. It was a complete blood bath. Screams all around, people running around, more zombies entered the room.
“We need to run! There are two many of them!” I screamed at the top of my lung.
I looked at Matt. He nodded at me. The zombies were starting to notice that there were more people on the room than the ones that they were chasing around.
My brain went into overdrive. I looked around searching for a weapon. The closest to a weapon that was nearest was the broom. That wouldn’t work, I thought.
There must be something!, I looked around, I started panicking, the zombies were starting to move towards us. They were quite slow. I mentally noted this.
Alright, the broom is my only chance! I thought. I dodged a zombie and ran towards the broom. Matt was right behind me. I grabbed the broom. Alright, from all the movies that I had watched I knew that a zombie could only be killed by damaging its brain. I didn’t have any sharp objects. There was my pen but it was too short and I would have to go too close to the zombie to kill it. I could use the broomstick to push the zombies. The broomstick was my best bet. Before I could get the broomstick I saw someone else’s hand wrap around it. I grabbed the broom at started pulling it towards me. The guy who had the broomstick was a kid in spectacles.
“Let it go, man!”, I said grunting.
“No please”, the boy said sobbing.
Then I did something, I did something bad.
Please know that this story gets much darker from here. The events that take place from now on are not pleasant and be warned, it’s not for the light-hearted. The beginning of the zombie apocalypse is not something enjoyable. So, please while you have time close this book and grab something else that is much more pleasant.
I slapped the kid on his right cheek. He instantly let go and fell on the floor.
“No, stop please hel-“ his were cut short as a zombie bit his shoulder. His screams echoing in my ears as I and Matt exited the room. 3 zombies were standing in front of us. Rest all of the zombies were busy eating the people inside the room. One of the zombies started heading towards us. I instinctively put the handle of the broom on its chest and tried to push it away. The zombie put its arm in front as it tried to get closer to me.
“Matt help!”, I said
“Coming!”, he replied
Together we pushed the zombie onto the ground. I jumped on the zombie’s face and leaped forward with Matt right behind. From there we continued to do what we did with the first zombie. In no time we had avoided the two zombies and after that……we ran. We ran and ran and ran, dodging and pushing zombies with our broomstick. Luckily most of the zombie were inside the classrooms so I and Matt easily ran from corridor to corridor. Both me and Matt were equally agile and quick on our feet. As we were passing the other classrooms a girl screamed “Help!!”. I quickly turned. The girl was cornered by a zombie. I quickly ran towards the zombie and using my broomstick I knocked it right off its feet. I quickly grabbed the girl’s hand.
“Let’s go!” I said.
She looked like she was going to say something but she complied and we kept running. We reached the main exit of the school but saw that it was completely overflowing with zombies.
“The back exit is our only chance, the roof is too risky!” I shouted
We kept running. Dodging and pushing zombies. Finally, we reached the second floor.
“Wait, help!” We heard a little boy’s voice say. I looked around. There was a boy no more than 6 hiding under a table. I quickly grabbed him and lifted him in my arms. I handed the broom to Matt “We are getting out of here”, I assured him. We kept running and we finally reached the back exit. Matt and the girl ran out of the door. I was very close to the door. The little boy was crying on my shoulder.
And then a zombie’s hand grabbed my ankle. I fell face first. I quickly freed my ankle by kicking around. I stood up. The little boy had slipped out of my hands when I had fallen down. I looked around. And then I saw that the boy was in a zombie’s grasp. And then I heard one of the worst things that a person can ever hear. A little boy screaming in pain. I shudder even today when I think about it. I still hear his voice in my sleep. I see the little boy in my dreams. Blaming me for his death making me go crazy. Dear Reader, I am warning you for the last time reader. Put this book away…..
“Nooo!”, screamed at the top of my lungs as started running toward the zombie but before I reached the zombie Matt grabbed my shoulders.
“No, let me go!” I flailed around.
“He’s gone buddy, let him go”, Matt send
“No”, I said sobbing “no”
Me, Matt, and the girl rushed out of the door and ran. The screams and shouts of the various students and teachers of the school echoing on our ears and our heads.
Thank you for reading. Tell me how it is