Ronald Reagan’s Best One-liners and Jokes

President Ronald Reagan used humor to win friends, influence voters. It turns out Ronald Reagan had a secret arsenal: stacks of 3×5 index cards filled with one-liners, which he kept in his desk to append to speeches.

President Ronald Reagan's index cards of one-linersAccording to TIME’s coverage of the assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan, the very first thing he said to the First Lady when she arrived at the hospital was, “Honey, I forgot to duck,”

To a nurse who told him to “keep up the good work” of his recovery: “You mean this may happen several more times?”

My fellow Americans. I’m pleased to announce that I’ve signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes.”

“Here’s my strategy on the Cold War:
We win, they lose.”

“The most terrifying words in the English language are:
I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”
President Ronald Reagan’s Best Jokes“The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant:
It’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.”

“Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because
the U.S. was too strong.”

“I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment’s would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.”

“The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.”

Thomas Jefferson once said, ‘We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.’ And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.”

“If we ever forget that we’re one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.”

President Reagan's Best One-Liners“The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.”

“I’ve laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it’s in the middle of a Cabinet meeting.”

“It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.”

“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.”

“No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other………

The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the job.

Ronald Reagan tells Soviet jokes