Why do People Hate BMW Drivers? Best BMW Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A: Porcupines have pricks on the outside.

Q: What is the BMW owner’s most ardent wish?

A: A bigger penis.

Q: What should you do if you find three BMW owners buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

Want to hear a car joke?
BMW 2 Series.

What should you do if you find three BMW owners buried up to their neck in cement?
Get more cement.

What’s the difference between a BMW owner and a carp?
One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

According to a new poll 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.
The other 9 percent are BMW owners.

There are two reasons I don’t take my girlfriend on longs drives in my Beamer.
One I don’t have a girlfriend.
Two I don’t have a BMW.

BMW meme

BMW One Liners

So you’re in high school and you drive a BMW? You must know all about hard work then.

I would give both my testies for a new BMW.

If you see someone driving a BMW, stay away! Research shows that BMW drivers are the rudest on the road.

You wanna man that drives a BMW, but your dad drives a Toyota. Why you can’t be humble like your mom?

I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice. Should I report the vehicle as stolen?

A girl who swallows is like owning a BMW, You don’t need it, but it’s nice to have.

BMW Bar Jokes

Car Shopping

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, “Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?” Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”

He answers, “Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.”

Mid Life Crisis

A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW convertible and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 100, 120…. then the reality of the situation hit him.

“What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer

Materialistic Lawyer

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeemer!!!”, he whiningly said.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”

“Oh my god….”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex?

World’s Worst BMW Drivers – BMW Car Crash Compilation and Driving Fails

BMW Acronyms

Brings Me Women!
Bavarian Murder Weapons
Bavarian Motorised Wankermobile
Born Moderately Wealthy
Big Mexican Weiner
Big Money Waste
Break My Windows
Black Mans Willy
Beats My Wood
Borrows My Wallet
Bothers My Willy
Buffoon Made Waste
Bust My Waller
Blonde Man Wheels
Broke My Wallet
Brings Me Women
Big Mexican Woman
Bought My Wife
Breaks Most Wrenches
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Best Motorcycle Worldwide
Bad Mutha’ Wheels
Boozedup Moron Wagon
Black Man’s Wheels
Be My Wife
Black Man’s Wish
Big Money Waster
Break My Window
Bring Money With you

We Needed A Cringe Button On Facebook

There are some pictures and facebook posts, however, that would make anyone stop and think twice about what exactly it is they are seeing. Such posts can be manipulated or totally accidental – you can decide for yourself if the ones on this list were intentional or not. Here are ten posts that will either make you laugh or cry, but most definitely will make you cringe.

Only Fools and Horses All About British Sitcom

 

Only foos and horses SitcomBefore Only Fools and Horses, David Jason hadn’t had a major TV role, with the exception of Open All Hours. Despite the fact that he looked nothing like his on-screen brother, he was cast for the role after Jim Broadbent turned it down.

Although set in Peckham, south London, the majority of the filming took place in and around Bristol. The exterior of ‘Nelson Mandela House’ was actually filmed at Whitemead House, in Ashton, Bristol.

Jim Broadbent was originally asked to play Del Boy. David Jason was not the producers’ first choice.

The BBC weren’t sure initially about the casting of David Jason because he and Nicholas Lyndhurst looked nothing alike. But John Sullivan disagreed. Del needed to be shorter to imply the suspected illegitimacy of the Trotters.

Elizabeth Hurley actually auditioned for the part of Rodney’s girlfriend, Cassandra. But she was turned down for the role, as it was thought she was too ‘model like’.

The series was almost called The Readies.

In the episode where Del Boy and Rodney remove a chandelier, the actors only had one shot to do a perfect scene. If Nicholas Lyndhurst or David Jason had laughed when the chandelier fell, they would have lost the episode. They were only allowed one take as the chandelier cost £6,000!

Over a dozen Reliant Regals (the three-wheeled vans) were used during the series.

Buster Merryfield, who played Uncle Albert, and was famous for his catchphrase, ‘During the war,’ was surprisingly similar to his character. He actually was a war hero and served in the Royal Artillery.

Much of Sullivan’s material for Only Fools and Horses scripts came from his real-life experiences. E.g falling through a raised bar flap, the chandelier falling and his father’s poker sessions.

Only fools and horses logo

20 Quotes, sayings and one-liners from “Only Fools and Horses”

Did you know, 500 years ago this was a green and peaceful area? The old Earl of Peckham had a castle where the Kwik-Fit exhaust centre now stands.

Flaxen-haired maidens used to dance round the village maypole of an evening. And then one fateful medieval day, the Trotter clan arrived in a stolen Zephyr.

Before you knew it, the flaxen-haired maiden was up the spout, the old Earl had been sold some hooky armour and someone nicked the maypole. BOYCIE

As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, “We’ve been done up like a couple of kippers”. DEL

I’m a Ming fan myself. He made some wonderful stuff, that Ming. Pity he had to go and die when he did. DEL

One day they might make a musical about the Trotter family. Then, as a sequel, they could do Schindler’s List on ice. RODNEY

They’re yuppies. They don’t speak proper English like what we do. DEL

God knows how you’ve got the courage to walk down dark alleys wearing all that gold. When they see you coming you must look like a mugger’s pension scheme. RODNEY to DEL

Dodgy geezer: But Del Boy had some classic gags

Whatever the subject is, Mum had something to say about it on her deathbed. She must’ve spent her final few hours in this mortal realm doing nothing but rabbiting. RODNEY

Asking a Trotter if he knows anything about chandeliers is like asking Mr Kipling if he knows anything about cakes. DEL

I’ve always wanted to go to Benidorm. Where is it? GRANDAD

’Ere Boyce. This car’s a GTI. If you rearrange the letters, you’ve got yourself a personalised number plate. RODNEY

Dear old grandad, bless him. He was about as useful as a pair of sunglasses on a bloke with one ear. DEL

What about the time he was in the Navy, eh? Every single ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed or dive-bombed… two of ’em in peace time. RODNEY on ALBERT

I don’t know what you’re worried about. I’ve been eating British beef all my life. TRIGGER

Do you remember your cousin Audrey? I went to stay with her and her husband Kevin for a year. One day he sent me down to Sainsbury’s with a shopping list. When I got back, they’d emigrated. ALBERT

You must’ve spent a third of your life standing in front of mirrors. My earliest childhood recollection is of you standing in front of a mirror. Up until I was four, I thought you was twins. RODNEY to DEL

Del: The French have a word for people like me. Rodney: Yeah, the English have a couple of good ’uns an’ all.

He died a couple of years before I was born. TRIGGER on his dad

It’s a well-known fact that 90% of all foreign tourists come from abroad. DEL

What’s the name of that bloke who invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner? TRIGGER

Give my love to Marlene… Everyone else used to. SLATER to BOYCIE

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