Donald Trump : Best Jokes and One-liners

funny Donald Trump.jpg

How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?
By renaming it Trump University.

What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?
“Let me see your birth certificate”.

If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?
The Trump Card

Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?
It’s called “Trump It or Dump It”.

What is Donald Trump “really” trying to do?
Make America Hate Again.

Why shouldn’t Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?
Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!

El Chapo only escaped from prison to have a “talk” with Trump.

If you’re black you literally have to be a brain surgeon to get a Trump cabinet post.

What does Melania see in Donald Trump?
“Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!”

Why can’t Donald Trump be a Lannister?
Because he never pays his debts.

Now that Macy’s has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?
By hunting and killing their own hair piece.

Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?
Because all his other wives support Hillary.

Fear is the Path to the dark side. Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate, and Hate leads to the Republican Nomination.

Trump: “It’s not a toupee, I just found the Bush that Jeb lost.”

What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he’s president?
Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!

What is the Beach Boys song “Kokomo” about?
All the places Donald Trump has bank accounts.

Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.

What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?
He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.

Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?
Meat and Democrats!

How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?
Juan by Juan.


What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?
The League of Extraordinary Con Men.

What do you call a public servant who doesn’t take crap from Republicans or Democrats?
Donald Trump.

What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?
Hair Force One!

What did rural America tell Donald Trump?
You’re Hired.

How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?
Cause your the only one Hair.

Why should we call the President, Donald “Duck” Trump?
Because you better duck when he’s pissed.

What does Donald Trump say when he can’t find his Viagra?
“The erection is rigged!”

Where’s Donald Trump’s favorite place to shop?

Why doesn’t Melania Trump want to be the first lady?
Because she would have to move into a smaller house.

What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?
No way Hose A.

How do you make Halloween great again?
By carving a Trumpkin.

Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?
Because E.T. eventually went home!

What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?
They both whine alot!

Why does Trump love the poorly educated?
Because they only know their ABCs “Anybody But Clinton”.

El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.
I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.

There once was an old man named Trump;
on working folk, he wanted to take a dump.
He claimed, “Climate change is a hoax,
by some sharp Chinese blokes”.
Now who is the ignorant chump?

What do you see when you look into Trump’s eyes?
Answer: The back of his head.

What’s the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?
If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.

What do you call the Michael Moore film about Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and Joe Arpaio?
Three Ami-egos.

What do you call a Disney Princess that supports Donald Trump?
Snow White Supremacist.

How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?
By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.

Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?
Because he want to wake up some day as America’s First Dictator.

How do you know the economy is only getting worse?
On the latest episode of “Celebrity Apprentice”, Donald Trump fired himself!

Why can’t you compare Donald Trump to cancer?
Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.

What does GOP stand for?
Grabs Our Pussy.

Why is everyone so upset?
Donald Trump wants to Make America Great Again………For the One Percent

Why doesn’t Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?
Because he has such yuuuuge fans!

Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?
Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.

What is Donald Trumps campaign slogan?
“A complex world demands complex hair.”

Whats Donald Trump’s favorite nation?

How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?
By relocating it to a casino!

Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.
Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.

What’s the only difference between Donald Trump and Bozo the Clown?
Bozo The Clown has real hair on his head.

What is Donald Trumps favorite song?
ICE ICE Baby……

Why does Donald Trump feel he can understand the average man and become president?
“When Trump bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he’s jerking off.”

What do Donald Trump, Dale Earnhardt & Pink Floyd have in common?

What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a sewage plant?
Nothing they’re both full of shit!.

How do you know you’re reading one of Donald Trumps books?
It starts on Chapter 11.

Can I tell you a joke about the wall?
Never mind you won’t get over it.

Did you hear about the new Netflix series about Donald Trump?
It’s called “Orange is the New Racist”.

What does Trumps hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole.

Why don’t black cats cross Trump’s path?
Because they are afraid of pussy grabbers.

Why does Donald Trump pick his nose?
Because he’s the boogeyman.

You know what Trump has besides money?
A barber with a sense of humor.

A certain Trump from The States
Can not enter The Pearly Gates
As the Pope said with Conviction
‘He is not like a Christian”
So down where the Devil waits.

What elephant ran for president?
Donald Trunk

Two Trump impersonators walk into a bar. What do they ask for?

Why didn’t Republicans attend Trumps inauguration?
Because the weatherman told them there was a 70 percent chance of a golden shower.

What does Donald Trump and a pornstar have in common?
They are both experts at switching positions in front of a camera.

Why isn’t it surprising that Donald Trump wants to be President of the United States?
Because it’s not the first time he has pushed a black family out of their home!

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on a boat they both fall off who gets saved?

Did you hear about the love child Hillary Clinton had with Donald Trump?
It was all a secret until he used a private email server to run a fake university.

Have you seen the Clint Eastwood film about Donald Trump?
It’s called “Billion Dollar Cry Baby”.

Have you tried the new Donald Trump Candy Bar?
It’s incredibly rich but has no taste!

Why can’t you blame Donald Trump for being in a bad mood?
He hasn’t had a good hair day in 20 years.

Why did Donald Trump ban shredded cheese as his first act as president?
He wanted to furfill a campiagn promise to “Make America Grate Again”.

Did you hear about the first executive bill that newly elected Trump passed, called the American telephone act?
Yeah you no longer have to press 2 for English.

What instrument does the Alt-Right play?

What do presidents jump on?
A trumpoline!

What do you call it, when a brainless creature takes over the world?
The Trump-ocalypse.

Trump: Hispanics and “Never Trump”, I don’t want to taco bout it.
Reporter: “How about your tax returns?”
Trump: “Nacho Business”

What do you call it if they impeach Trump?
a Coupe-Toupet.

When do liberals get on TV and attack Donald Trump?
Whine O’Clock.

What do you call a president that blows?
Donald Trump-et

How do you know when Trump is not lying?
His mouth is closed.

How is this possible? Whenever I say something bad, I get in trouble.
Whenever Donald Trump says something bad, he gets more supporters.

Jeb Bush: “My brother kept us safe”.
Donald Trump: “Yeah, from 9/11, Katrina, the Great Recession, and thousands of amputations from IEDs after illegally invading Iraq without an exit strategy.”

9/11 Never Forget
11/9 Always Regret

George Washington “I can not tell a lie.”
Donald Trump “I can not tell the truth.”

Republican: Donald Trump wants to make America in his own image….
Democrat: Does that mean he’ll give America a shitty comb over?

In what continues to be a fluid situation, the Associated Press is reporting that Donald Trump has locked hundreds of liberals in his basement at Mar-a-Lago…
Or as he likes to call it a “whine” cellar.

I don’t always insult entire nations, but when I do it’s with Trumped-up charges.

American Criminals flee to Mexico and Mexican criminals flee to America…..Everybody needs to comb down.

There was absolute chaos on Capitol Hill this morning as Donald Trump signed an executive order changing the National Anthem to “ICE ICE Baby…”.

I wonder if Donald Trumps Secret Service codename is “walnut”. So when he enters a room the Secret Service can say “The wall nut has arrived.”

Donald J Trump’s penis is Yuuuugggeee. Cause he’s using it to f@%k the entire Republican party.

If Trump was really cool with the gays, wouldn’t one of them have fixed his wig by now.

If Donald Trump loses his re-election bid, he doesn’t need a concession speech, just a walk of atonement.

Donald Trump is a builder, he’s going to use the vast resources of the United States government to build a wall to protect our citizens, build a strong middle class, and most importantly build a machine to cure male pattern baldness.

If Donald Trump wins the election, I volunteer as tribute for the Hunger Games.

I heard Donald Trump wants to make government as small as his hands.

It’s official!, Beyonce now has more black people in her than Trump has in his cabinet.

Donald Trump is a successful investor…… the laughing stock market.

Donald Trump is so dumb that he thinks Roe vs Wade is the choice faced by Washington crossing the Delaware.

Donald trump hairline is receding faster than the shoreline on the 18th tee at his golf course in Ireland.

Trump hates illegals, Carson hates Muslims, Fiorina hates women, Huckabee hates gays, and Jeb hates questions about his idiot brother.

That Awkward moment when you actually want to vote for Donald Trump.

If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb Trump’s ego and jump down to his I.Q.

Donald Trump loves the “poorly educated” so much, that when he’s president there will be more of them than ever.

How can Donald Trump be hostile to people of color when he himself is orange?

Donald Trump wants to control the country even though he can’t control his hair.

I heard Donald Trump wants to deport criminals…..Great when does he leave.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was to paint a man orange and convince the world he was going to be president of America!

Donald J. Trump became president and started combating environmental disasters, annihilating sexual assault and battery, and zapped abortion in America. Unfortunately in the morning the dream was over.

Trump has been counting his protesters as supporters. No wonder why he thinks they’re in the thousands.

Trumpcare: If you like your cancer you can keep your cancer.

Donald Trump wants to build a great Wall between Mexico and the United States of America… and if he does then Canada will need one too.

If Donald Trump had a sense of humor, he would die laughing after looking in the mirror.

The only reason Donald Trump cares about the popular vote (and claims millions of illegals voted) is because it has the word popular in it.

I went to my hairstylist and requested the “Donald”.
She asked “What’s That?”
I said “Shaggy hair with a gay combover”

That awkward moment Donald Trump watches Zootopia and realizes its a satire about his presidency.

Donald Trump so dumb, he ordered NASA to arrest illegal aliens.

Donald Trump, at a campaign stop in the midwest, promised to rebuild titties and make Detroit the motorboat city.

Donald trump and my child’s diaper needs to be changed often. And for the same reason!

I heard Donald Trump is going to build a wall with all the bricks the 76ers laid tonight.

Trump and Pence or as I like to call them “Dumb and Dumb Hair”

Yo momma so ugly, Donald Trump tried to disconnect her from the internet.

Donald Trump makes Archie Bunker look like a Democrat!

Barack Obama : The Left-Handed Salute

Barack Obama - The Left-Handed Salute

Democrats are such unpatriotic, America-hating traitors that they don’t even know which hand you’re supposed to place over your heart when saluting the flag (an Internet political meme which well antedated the arrival of the Obamas at the White House. But honestly, how could anyone who went to school in the U.S. in an era in which the hand-over-the-heart recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance was a daily occurrence, and who had spent many years attending the innumerable flag-waving rallies and patriotic ceremonies that go hand-in-hand with gaining and holding national political office, not have caught on to the proper form of this simple gesture?

Was Russian Empress Catherine the Great Killed by a Horse

Widespread rumors about Catherine engaging in aberrant sexual practices became a way of saying that Catherine herself was an aberration, a freak of nature.

Catherine the Great actually expired alone and of natural causes. On the morning of 5 November 1796, Catherine arose, drank coffee, and sat down to write. About three hours later her chamberlain, curious that he had not been summoned as usual, found her barely conscious on the floor of a closet adjacent to her bedroom. As her servant summoned help, Catherine lapsed into unconsciousness from which she never awakened and died the next day. An autopsy conducted the next day determined the cause of death to be a cerebral hemorrhage.

After her death , her enemies at court began spreading various rumors about Catherine’s final days. Some claimed that the all-powerful ruler had died while on the toilet. Others took their lurid storytelling even further, perpetuating a myth that has endured for centuries: that Catherine, whose lustful life was an open secret, had died while engaging in a sex act with an animal, usually believed to be a horse. Of course, there is no truth to this rumor.

Exactly when and where the story about Catherine’s death having been caused by a horse originated remains unknown, As one of her biographers wrote, the “implications of the horse story appear aimed at undercutting Catherine’s claims to greatness, by aggressively asserting that her primary motivation was unbridled sex, the excesses of which resulted in her monstrous death.”

History regards Catherine as a powerful ruler who saved Russia from almost certain invasion and annexation by her stronger neighbors. Under her, the country prospered, schools were established, laws enacted, wars fought and won. Yet to do all this, the former German princess had to first wrest control from her insane husband, which she did by staging a coup and declaring herself empress. While her success as a monarch lies at the heart of the various bestiality rumors circulated about her, so too does her overthrow of her husband, because both were viewed in her lifetime and beyond as unnatural — women of that era were held to be biologically inferior and thus incapable of leading nations with any success, and wives were put on this Earth to be subservient to husbands, not to dethrone them. (Remember, women of those times who killed their husbands were guilty not of murder but of petite treason, a legal term that makes it abundantly clear what the proper relationship between husband and wife was supposed to be.)