Jokes only smart people will get

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1. This clever bit
What happens when you cross a dyslexic, agnostic, and an insomniac?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
2. This joke for English majors
Doctor: I’m afraid you have onomatopoeia
Man: Oh no! What is that?
Doctor: It’s exactly what it sounds like.
3. This joke for those who know binary code
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
4. This geometric joke
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.
5. This biological pun
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans. (Genes)
6. This literary/cinematic pun combo
What do you call the Pride and Prejudice film with subtitles?
7. This joke for all the philosophers out there
One evening René Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, “Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?”. Descartes replied, “I think not.”, and promptly vanished!
8. This bit of psychology humor
Who is this Rorschach guy, and why is he always drawing pictures of my parents fighting 9. This mathematic joke
A mathematician comes home at 3:00 in the morning to find his wife waiting up fo him.
“You’re late!” she yells angrily. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the mathematician replies, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
10. This linguistic joke
A Roman walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “I’d like a martinus.” The bartender says, “Don’t you mean a martini?” The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for one!”
11. And this numerical one
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “five beers please.”
12. This pun based in classic literature
My best friend and I were coming home after a long day of shopping. In order to get into the house, we have to go through the garage door and then through the mudroom door. Our hands were very full of bags from our retail therapy day, so I was struggling very much to get the key into the lock. He was getting a little annoyed while waiting, but I managed to turn the key and get into the garage. Go figure, the door to the mudroom was locked too. At this point, he was exasperated, so I turned to him and said, “Well, one does not simply walk into more doors.”
13. This joke about the fuzziest lil’ paradox
Schrödinger’s Cat walks into a bar…
… and doesn’t!
14. And this one, which adds even more quantum physics into the mix
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are riding in a car, and get pulled over.
Officer: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg: “No, but I can tell you exactly where we are.”
The officer, annoyed, asks to search the car. He opens the trunk.
Officer: “Sir, do you know the cat in your truck is dead?”
Schrodinger: “Well it is now!”

Best Elephant Jokes – Compilation

Why did the elephants get kicked out of the pool?
Because their trunks kept on falling down.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow?
Peanut butter.

What can an elephant make that no other animal can make?
A baby elephant.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card!

Why did the elephant leave the circus?
He was tired of working for peanuts.

What do you call a passenger plane shaped like an elephant?
A dumbo jet.

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant?
An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!

What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail?
This is the end of me!

Why do the elephants have short tails?
Because they can’t remember long stories!

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What do elephants sing at christmas?
Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants… Who do elephants get their christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus!

Why don’t elephants like playing cards in the jungle?
Because of all the cheetahs!

What do you call a elephant that never washes?
A smellyphant!

Teacher: “Where would you find an elephant?”
Pupil:”You don’t have to find them, they’re too big to lose!”

What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear?
Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Teacher: “Name six wild animals”
Pupil:”Four elephants and two lions!”

What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court?
Annette!

What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night?
Russell!

What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it’s sweater?
Warren!

What is an elephant that flies?
A propellaphant.

What do you call the rabbit up the elephant’s sweater?
Terrified!

What do you call someone with an elephant on their head?
Squashed!

Whats the difference between your mom and an African Elephant?
Ten pounds.

Who lost a herd of elephants?
Big bo peep!

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?
Swimming Trunks

How are elephants and computers similar?
They both have big memories.

What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
Its shadow!

What is an elephants favorite film?
Elephantasia What do elephants say as a compliment?
You look elephantastic!

What do you do with old cannon balls?
Give them to elephants to use as marbles!

What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks!

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
To hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (they say no)
Works, doesn’t it?

If uncle jack helped you off an elephant would you help uncle jack off an elephant

An elephant flew past at 200 miles per hour. It was a Nelliecopter

Why did the elephants get kicked out of the pool?
Because their trunks kept on falling down.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow?
Peanut butter.

What can an elephant make that no other animal can make?
A baby elephant.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card!

Why did the elephant leave the circus?
He was tired of working for peanuts.

What do you call a passenger plane shaped like an elephant?
A dumbo jet.

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant?
An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!

What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail?
This is the end of me!

Why do the elephants have short tails?
Because they can’t remember long stories!

What do elephants sing at christmas?
Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants… Who do elephants get their christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus!

Why don’t elephants like playing cards in the jungle?
Because of all the cheetahs!

What do you call a elephant that never washes?
A smellyphant!

Teacher: “Where would you find an elephant?”
Pupil:”You don’t have to find them, they’re too big to lose!”

What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear?
Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Teacher: “Name six wild animals”
Pupil:”Four elephants and two lions!”

What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court?
Annette!

What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night?
Russell!

What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it’s sweater?
Warren!

What is an elephant that flies?
A propellaphant.

What do you call the rabbit up the elephant’s sweater?
Terrified!

What do you call someone with an elephant on their head?
Squashed!

Whats the difference between your mom and an African Elephant?
Ten pounds.

Who lost a herd of elephants?
Big bo peep!

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?
Swimming Trunks

How are elephants and computers similar?
They both have big memories.

What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
Its shadow!

What is an elephants favorite film?
Elephantasia What do elephants say as a compliment?
You look elephantastic!

What do you do with old cannon balls?
Give them to elephants to use as marbles!

What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks!

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
To hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (they say no)
Works, doesn’t it?

If uncle jack helped you off an elephant would you help uncle jack off an elephant

An elephant flew past at 200 miles per hour. It was a Nelliecopter

Jimmy Kimmel rallied support for the legal fund of Stormy Daniels

Jimmy Kimmel rallied support for the legal fund of Stephanie Clifford, the former pornographic film actress known as Stormy Daniels. Kimmel wants to help Clifford pay her way out of a nondisclosure agreement.

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“She’s trying to raise money to pay for her legal fees, so she launched a fund-raising page on a website called CrowdJustice.com, so now you can give money to a porn star — just like the president of the United States.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“I never thought giving money to a porn star would be considered to be an act of patriotism — but then again, I also never thought a guy who got in a Twitter war with Cher would become president.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“And remember, every dollar you donate potentially brings us one step closer to seeing photos that will haunt our dreams forever.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Robert Mueller has subpoenaed the Trump Organization, the president’s company, demanding that they hand over any documents related to business they may have done with Russia. You know, in an investigation like this, it’s important to follow the money — no matter how many porn stars it leads to.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

Donald Trump surprisingly hasn’t tweeted about the subpoena yet. Probably because he doesn’t know how to spell the word ‘subpoena.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL