Stages of Drunkeness

0 – Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1 – Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2 – Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3 – Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4 – Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.
5 – Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.
6 – Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.
7 – Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.
8 – Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9 – Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That’s much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10 – Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender’s wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11 – Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.
12 – Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can’t get key in door. Realize you’ve given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

Funny SMS text messages

  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  • I had amnesia once – maybe twice.
  • All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.

  • The universe is a figment of its own imagination.
  • I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

  • Is there another word for synonym?

  • Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
    – Because they don’t have any.
  • Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
    A: About 45 pounds!!
  • Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
    A: We don’t know. Never happens.
  • Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
  • ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
  • Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
    A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
  • Q: What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
    A: Outlaws are wanted.
  • Q: What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?
    A: A box of quackers.

  • Time is a marvellous healer but is a complete failure as a beautician.

  • When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s £1.50 per minute
  • Never let a man’s mind wander, it’s too little to be out on it’s own
  • Son asks diff btw Confidence and Confidential
    Dad says, u are my son, I am Confident.
    Ur friend is also my son, thats Confidential
  • I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
  • I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
  • What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A b*tch who knows everything.
  • The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  • I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

  • Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

  • Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.