Hollywood lessons

– It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

– Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

– All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

– At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

– Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

– All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

– Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

– You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

– A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

– If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

– If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

– Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

– All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off, but luckily you’ll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

– A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

– Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

HIGH SCHOOL — 1970 vs. 2012

Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.

1970 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack…

2012 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1970 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2012 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1970 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2012 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD… The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1970 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2012 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1970 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock..

2012 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations… His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English.

1970 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2012 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher.. English is then banned from core curriculum.. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1970 – Ants die.

2012 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.. The FBI investigates his parents –and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1970 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2012 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy

The Baked Beans Story

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she’ll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party