If GM had developed technology like Microsoft

  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought “CarNT”, but then you would have to buy more seats.
  6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would only run on five percent of the roads.
  7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “General Protection Fault” warning light.
  8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
  9. The airbag system would ask “are you sure?” before deploying.
  10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (Now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
  12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  13. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

Why men are happy

  • Your last name stays put.
  • The garage is all yours.
  • Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  • Chocolate is just another snack.
  • You can never be pregnant.
  • You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  • You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
  • Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  • The world is your urinal.
  • You never to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
  • You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  • Wrinkles add character.
  • Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
  • People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
  • The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  • New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  • One mood all the time.
  • Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  • You know stuff about tanks.
  • A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  • You can open all your own jars.
  • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  • If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
  • Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
  • Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  • You almost never have strap problems in public.
  • You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  • Everything on your face stays its original color.
  • The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  • You only have to shave your face and neck.
  • You can play with toys all your life.
  • Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  • One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
  • You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
  • You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
  • You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
  • You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes
  • .

Cow Economics

DEMOCRAT

  • You have two cows.
  • Your neighbor has none.
  • You feel guilty for being successful.
  • You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

  • You have two cows.
  • Your neighbor has none.
  • So?

SOCIALIST

  • You have two cows.
  • The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
  • You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

  • You have two cows.
  • The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
  • You wait in line for hours to get it.
  • It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

  • You have two cows.
  • You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

  • You have two cows.
  • Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then it pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

  • You have two cows.
  • You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
  • You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
  • Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

  • You have two cows.
  • You go on strike because you want three cows.
  • You go to lunch and drink wine.
  • Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

  • You have two cows.
  • You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk
  • They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
  • Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

  • You have two cows.
  • You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
  • Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

  • You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
  • You break for lunch.
  • Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

  • You have two cows.
  • You have some vodka.
  • You count them and learn you have five cows.
  • You have some more vodka.
  • You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
  • The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

  • You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
  • You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
  • You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

  • You have two cows.
  • They go into hiding.
  • They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

  • You have two bulls.
  • Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

  • You have one cow.
  • The cow is schizophrenic.
  • Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish.
  • The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow.
  • The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk.
  • The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
  • The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

  • You have a black cow and a brown cow.
  • Everyone votes for the best looking one.
  • Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
  • Some people vote for both.
  • Some people vote for neither.
  • Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
  • Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.