* Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
* If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
* Does fuzzy logic tickle?
* If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
* How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
* I don’t have a solution, but I admire your problem.
* If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly,is a fog horn made out of?
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
* I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
* What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
* What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
* If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
* Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
* Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?
* Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
* Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?
* If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above (below?) your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning
* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corrolary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
* If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.
* When pie are squared you get Pop Tarts.
* I prefer the sign that says “No Entry” to the one that says “No Exit”
* It is unhealthy to live. He who lives, dies.
* Sometimes I feel like such an incredible nothing.
* It’s funny how entertaining you can be to some people just by listening to them.
* Compact cars make people look bigger.
* No pleasure is enjoyed without some measure of pain.
* If you clap with one hand, will it make a sound?
* Less is more.
* The first condition of immortality is death.
* They can because they think they can.
* Think before you think.
* To be a leader, watch where others are headed then run out in front of them.
* Fear not that your life will end, but rather that it will never begin.
* Strangers are only friends we haven’t met.
* That which we are, we are…
* Sure it’s a cruel world, but where else is there to go.
* We are the people our parents warn us about.
* Some people think it’s the holding on that makes us strong. Sometimes it’s the letting go.
* Disclaimer: We have no wish to offend you unless you’re a twit.
* If at first you don’t succeed, change the rules.
* Anarchy – It’s not the law, it’s just a good idea.
* The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
* It’s not the principle of the thing. It’s the money.
* Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.
* All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
* Just because everything is different doesn’t mean anything has changed.
* Sincerity is the key. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
* The breakfast of champions is the opposition.
* If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
* Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
* Always do right. This will gratify many people, and astonish the rest.
* Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you frantic.
* Decadence is its own reward.
* An honest politician is one who stays bought.
* Organize for anarchy!
* Circular definition: see “circular definition.”
* Help! The paranoids are out to get me!
* According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
* I don’t see you, so don’t pretend you’re there
* If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip’s Screwdriver?
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
* When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
* Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
* “I am ” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do ” is the longest sentence?
* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
* Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?”