Quotes from Sheldon Cooper

Sheldon Cooper Bazinga
– No, Mother, I cannot feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I’m home safe does not prove that it worked. That logic is post hoc ergo propter hoc. No, I’m not sassing you in Eskimo talk.

– Hello, Penny. I realize you’re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?

– You think you’re so clever. Well, let me just tell you, while I do not currently have a scathing retort, you check your email periodically for a doozy.

– They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that’s why they hated me.

– I’ll spend the rest of my life here in Texas, trying to teach evolution to creationists.

Episode 2
– I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.

– Oh, ho, a clever, albeit obsolete, euphemism for insufficient blood flow to the male sex organ.

– Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister, and I believe I can easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies or the classic Why Are You Hitting Yourself?.

Episode 3
– Penny, while I subscribe to the Many Worlds Theory, which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.

– I can’t be impossible – I exist! I believe what you meant to say is – ‘I give up, he’s improbable’.

– Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto this?

Episode 4
– Yes, since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly veiled insult.

– Another reason to consider a life of piracy. Even today, I understand that’s an all-male profession.

– There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.

Episode 5
– Photographic is a misnomer. I have an eidetic memory as I’ve told you many times, most recently last year at lunch on the afternoon of May 7th. You had turkey and complained it was dry.

– It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my All-Time Enemies list, between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle.

– In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal Wrath of Khan, “He tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him. From Hell’s heart I stab at thee!”

– Silence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge?

– So my path to satisfaction is blocked by Lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants? Very well, they must be destroyed!

– Wheaton! Wheaton! Wheattooonnnn!!!

Episode 6
– Actually, the risk of throat cutting is very low. On the other hand, severe string burn is a real and ever-present danger.

– If you’re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn’t chicken as if it were chicken.

– I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. There’s pro football, college football, high school football, pee wee football, in fact every form of football, except the original, European football. Most believe it to be a commie plot.

– If you’d like, after the game I’ll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.

– It seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don’t you have access to women that will do it for money?

Episode 7
– You accidently stare at a helium-argon laser, lose one turn and a retina.

– Stop it! Both of you! All this fighting. I might as well be back with my parents. “Damn it, George, I told you if you didn’t stop drinking I’d leave you!” “Well I guess that makes you a liar cause I’m drunk as hell and you’re still here.” “Stop yelling, you’re making Sheldon cry!” “I’ll tell you what’s making Sheldon cry, that I let you name him Sheldon.”

– I’ve heard that before. Then the next thing you know, I’m hiding in my bedroom blaring a Richard Feynman lecture while my Mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my Dad’s meatloaf. And my Dad’s on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.

Episode 8
– You keep in mind that my sharply worded comments on Yelp.com recently took down a muffin store.

– Mister Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was a Science officer. And I guarantee you if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately.

– According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you’ll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack, but appears to be well enough to play Doodle Jump on his iPhone.

– Now remember, you were given powerful pain medications and a muscle relaxer. So, uh, don’t operate heavy machinery. And try not to choke on your own drool.

Episode 9
– Why are you such a stupidhead? That is also rhetorical. Sorry you had to hear that.

– Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line, and if that propagation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.

– I never admit defeat. However, on an unrelated topic, I’m never getting off this bed again.

Episode 10
– That’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were two thousand people in this apartment right now, would be we celebrating? No! We’d be suffocating!

– Research Journal, Entry One. I’m about to embark on one of the great challenges of my scientific career – teaching Penny physics. I’m calling it Project Gorilla.

– Here. That’s college ruled. I hope that’s not too intimidating.

Episode 11
– Oh, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character, and I was really with him. Right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas… what a buzz kill.

– Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with the traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats, which, frankly, sounds like more fun than twelve hours of church with my mother followed by fruitcake.

– What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one man shuttlecraft, headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five.

Episode 12
– If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?

– I don’t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you’ve gone insane.

– Hulk agree to second date with puny humans!

Episode 13
– You know, the more I think about it, the Mobster Sauce couldn’t possibly contain chunks of mobster. It was listed under Seafood.

– I’ve seen the underbelly of Pasadena, this so-called City of Roses and it haunts me. Ah, the injustice. I lie here awake, tormented, while out there evil lurks. Probably playing Donkey Kong on my Classic Nintendo.

– My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user friendly than Windows Vista. I don’t like that.

Episode 14
– I don’t need sleep, I need answers. I need to determine where, in this swamp of unbalanced formulas, squatteth the toad of truth.

– Don’t be absurd, that’s in Washington. You know I can’t live in a city laid out in a hub and spoke pattern.

– I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable and three answers came to mind: Toll booth attendant, Apple Store Genius and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word Genius – here I am.

Episode 15
– There’s an economic concept known as a Positional Good in which an object is only valued by the possessor because its not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial but less precise ‘neener-neener’.

– Help me out. Which ski cap says après-super-collider?

– I’ve lived up to my commitments under the agreement. At least once a day I ask how you are, even though I simply don’t care. I no longer stage spontaneous biohazard drills after 10 pm, and I abandoned my goal to master Tuvan throat singing.

– Since I rarely hug, I’m relying on your expertise as to the duration.

Episode 16
– Oh, I don’t want to know that! How can I possibly discuss with Stan Lee the scientific foundation for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard when part of my brain will be scanning his face for signs of a contagious skin disease?

– I don’t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATM’s will lead the charge.

– I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddy table of yours.

– You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.

Episode 17
– Technically, magic beans would be food. Although eating them would be quite a waste since you plant them and overnight have a giant beanstalk, which would provide enough roughage for a small city.

– I have a twin sister whose assaults begin in utero. If only I’d had the presence of mind to reabsorb her then I’d have a mole with hair on it instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.

– I have no illusions about my mother, She’s a kind, loving, religiously fanatical, right wing Texan, with a slightly out of scale head and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction.

Episode 18
– I’m the William Shatner of theoretical physics.

– Oh, no. A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. “People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can’t run, leave them behind!” Oh, the simulated horror!

– If it will help speed things along my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot tests are: A – a bat. B – a bat. C – a bat. And D – my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle.

– For the astronomers in the audience, get ready to see the dark side of the moon. And here’s Uranus!

Episode 19
– You’re ignoring the square-cube law. The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton. And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jet pack, hoverboard, transporter, batmobile, and then giant ant.

– Well, well, well. If it isn’t Wil Wheaton. The Green Goblin to my Spiderman. The Pope Paul V to my Galileo. The Internet Explorer to my Firefox.

– I don’t know if Stewart told you what you’re up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven- to twelve-year-old division.

– A common spare. The Miss Congeniality of the bowling pageant.

Episode 20
– Oh, yes, it was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I’d hate for that effort to be in vain.

– My existence is a continuum, so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period.

– That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat.

– We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story, how about I circle back to it?

Episode 21
– Now, listen. On the of the great minds of the 21st century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st century. So pay attention: years from now my biographer might ask you about this event.

– I apologize. He’s only an experimental physicist.

– She’s my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product, or a bowel regulating yogurt?

– Oh, Penny. This is Dr. Plimpton, a leading expert on quantum cosmology. Dr. Plimpton, Penny is a waitress who doesn’t understand the role gasoline plays in an internal combustion engine.

Episode 22
– Roommates agree that Friday nights will be reserved for watching Joss Whedon’s brilliant new series, Firefly.

– The apartment flag is gold lion rampant on a field of azure.

– I’m here because you violated our roommate agreement, specifically Section Eight, ‘Visitors’, sub-section C, ‘Females’, Paragraph 4, ‘Coitus’. Roommates shall give each other twelve hours’ notice of impending coitus.

– I assure you, you’ll be sorry you wasted your money on an iPod, when Microsoft comes out with theirs.

Episode 23
– Yes, in 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper “Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung,” his fondest hope was that the resulting device be “bitchin’.”

– When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as “one.”

– It’s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening: prevening. Fairly certain it will catch on, as it fills a desperate need.

– In a few minutes, when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard “I told you so” with a classic “neener-neener”? Or just my normal look of haughty derision?

The Biggest FAIL Of Big Bang Theory

Man tips for all women

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men  really don’t mind that? It’s like camping out.

Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them a bigger laugh!!

Sarcastic Quotes

  • You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
  • Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
  • Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
  • Talk is cheap, but that’s ok, so are you.
  • If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder…it would be an apocalypse!
  • This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
  • I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
  • When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
  • A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
  • Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.
  • Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
  • Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
  • Don’t let your mind wander, it’s far too small to be let out on its own.
  • Don’t thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
  • Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
  • He always finds himself lost in thought; it’s unfamiliar territory.
  • I bet you get bullied a lot.
  • I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
  • I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
  • I don’t mind you talking so much, as long as you don’t mind me not listening.
  • I don’t think you are a fool, but what’s my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
  • I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
  • I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.
  • I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
  • I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
  • I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand me.
  • I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up your ass.
  • If you were twice as smart as you are now, you’d be absolutely stupid.
  • I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
  • I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
  • I’ve come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
  • Pardon me, but you’re obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
  • People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
  • She’s the first in her family born without tail.
  • That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
  • What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
  • Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
  • What’s wrong, don’t you get any attention back home?
  • You are not even beneath my contempt.
  • You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
  • You grow on people, but so does cancer.
  • You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
  • You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
  • You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you’re doing your best.
  • Your mind isn’t so much twisted as badly sprained.
  • You’re a habit I’d like to kick – with both feet.