An 86-year Old Man Went to his Doctor

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

‘I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.’

‘so what do you think about that Doctor?’

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

‘I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.’

‘As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver siting at the waters edge…’

‘He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it right at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang bang’.’

‘Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now what do you think about that?’ asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, ‘Logic would strongly suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.’

The doctor replied, ‘My point exactly.’

An Atheist Was Walking Through the Woods : Atheist Joke

An atheist was walking through the woods.

‘What majestic trees!
‘What powerful rivers!
‘What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him …..

He looked over his shoulder again,
and the bear was even closer …

and then ….. He tripped and fell.

Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him ….
reaching towards him with its left paw …
and raising the right paw to strike …

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
‘Help me God!’

Time Stopped …
The bear froze …..
The forest was silent ….

Even the river stopped moving.

The atheist looked directly into the light …
“It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now …
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”

… a pause …

“Very well,” said the voice …

The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed …

And the bear dropped his right arm ….
brought both paws together …
bowed his head & spoke …

“Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord. AMEN! …”

Short Clean Jokes and Greatest Puns

Did you know the guard at the Samsung store is a Guardian of the Galaxy?

What’s the worst thing about throwing a party on the moon? You have to planet.

Why can’t you have a good party on the moon? It has no atmosphere.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

It was an emotional wedding – even the cake was in tiers.

There was an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris. De-Brie everywhere.

Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was two tired.

When’s the best time to go to the dentist? Two-thirty

Did you hear the joke about the German sausage? It was the wurst.

What do you do when a chemist dies? Barium.

Dead batteries were given away free of charge.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game. (*cough*Alex*cough*)

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

I’m taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

I hate insects puns, they really bug me.

I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.

Why didn’t the skeleton go to prom? Cause he had no body to dance with.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

My math teacher called me average. How mean!

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

What day do chickens hate the most? Friday.

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.

Is the pool safe for diving? It deep-ends.