1. Alcohol does not solve your problems but neither does milk.
2. Life is too short to remove USB safely.
3. Sometimes when I blink, I cannot see.
4. If all is not lost, where is it?
5. I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
6. Where there’s a will, there are five greedy relatives willing to fight over it.
7. Love is like gasoline, it’s expensive, ends quick, and can be replaced by alcohol.
8. Warning: dates on this calendar are closer than they appear.
9. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
10. Leadership is the ability to hide your panic from the world.
11. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.
12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
13. We can see other people’s problems more clearly than our own.
14. Don’t worry, if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
15. With great power comes great electricity bills.
16. Don’t steal, the government hates competition.
17. Money doesn’t buy you happiness, but it’s nicer to cry in a Mercedes than on a bike.
18. Warning: I know… KARATE and few other Oriental words.
19. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
20. Letting the rabbit out of a bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back.
21. Friday is my second favorite F word.
22. Group projects in school, making me understand, why Batman prefers working alone.
23. If you want to earn money with the help of Facebook, go to its settings, delete your account and start working.
24. Tell a man, that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he will believe you, tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he will have to touch it to be sure.
25. My Internet is so slow, it is just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them the shit in person.
26. An unmarried man has no bottoms in his shirt, and a married man has no shirt.
27. My father has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
28. As long as there tests, there will be prayer in schools.
29. What is the difference between a well-dressed Man on a bike and a poorly dressed man On a unicycle? Attire.
30. When money talks, nobody notices what grammar it uses.
31. Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?
32. Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
33. Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
34. The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
35. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
36. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
37. 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
38. Only dead fish go with the flow.
39. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
40. Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
42. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia – fear of long words.
43. I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
44. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
45. Failure is not falling down; it is not getting up again.
46. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
47. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
48. Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
49. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
50. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.