I met a camel with no humps, so I named him Humphrey.
How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.
Didja hear about the new restaurant on the moon? It’s got great food, but no atmosphere.
Remember alcohol and calculus don’t mix so don’t drink and derive.
I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up but it wouldn’t make any difference.
The doctor comes out into the waiting room for the next patient. He’s shocked to see a man sitting there with a frog growing out of his head. The doctor’s cries, “Oh my god, how did that happen?”
The frog answered “I don’t know; it began as a pimple on my butt.”
Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
How are a texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer.
What did the outlet say to the cord?
Socket to me, baby…
What do you call a running chicken?
Poultry in motion…
What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint?
Both crews were marooned…
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.
“I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.”
The man below replies, “You must work in management.”
“I do” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
9. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home.
10. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home and on your computer.
11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men’s locker room.
12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
14. You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you don’t, you know how to fake it.
15. You know how to get back at just about everyone.
16. Your pets always have great names.
17. Nobody expects you to change a tire.
18. You’re the only guy who gets to do the “Cosmo” quizzes.
19. You know how to get a waiter’s attention.
20. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
21. At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.
22. You are, hands down, your nephew’s and nieces’ favorite uncle.
23. You get to choose your family.
24. You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.
25. You can smile to let someone know you can’t stand them.
26. You wouldn’t be caught dead in Hooters.
27. You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.
28. You’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
29. You’ve always got an opinion, and don’t mind sharing it.
30. You’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
31. You know how to “air kiss”.
32. You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having… and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you’ve been for two weeks.
33. You know how to dress strategically.
34. You know when to move out and move on.
35. You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school.
36. You’ve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
37. You know that being called a “cheap slut” isn’t necessarily an insult.
38. You wouldn’t buy someone a mug for their birthday.
39. You know which wine to bring.
40. Sales clerks don’t mess with you.
41. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
42. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.
43. You’ve just about defeated the accent you were born with.
44. You know the way to a man’s heart is not necessarily through his stomach.
45. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
46. You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity.
47. You’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
48. You have the latest International Male catalog.
49. You wouldn’t dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog.
50. You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you
wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he’s got,
he says, “Elves make it for me.”
5. Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did
all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
This article was published in 1985 from Ebony Magazine. In their special “What they may look like in 2000,” the Magazine editors gave it a wild shot of how would Michael Jackson look like 15 years later. Boy, were they wrong.
What Ebony clearly did not know was that Michael would go on to turn white and be have a detachable nose and a possible penchant for bedding small children. If they would have predicted that Michael Jackson would have ended up looking like this:
When she dances she makes the band skip.
When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
She puts mayonnaise on aspirin. (
Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Her driver’s license says “Picture continued on other side.”
She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
All the restaurants in town have signs that say: “Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama”
When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi’s 1002’s.
When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
She’s got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
She could sell shade.
When she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
People jog around her for exercise.
I ran around her twice and got lost.
She gets runs in her jeans.
Her blood type is Ragu.
Yo mama’s so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn’t get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo mama’s so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she’d have to take his word for it!
Yo mama’s so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
Yo mama’s so fat, she can’t even jump to a conclusion.
Yo mama’s so fat, she broke her leg and gravy dripped out.
Yo mama’s so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.