The Ultimate Mitch Hedberg Jokess and Quotes

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg, the funniest person in the world, died at 37 on March 29, 2005. Heroin and cocaine were reportedly involved. It was a sudden, shocking tragedy that left the comedy world shaken and bereft of one of its brightest stars.

Mitch Hedberg Joke tshirt

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

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With a stop light, green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘slow down’. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means ‘go’, green means ‘whoa, slow down’, and red means ‘where the heck did you get that banana?’

You know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose! [Listen]

Now if I was to give a duck bread, I’d give him Pepperidge Farm bread because that shit’s fancy. It’s wrapped twice. So you open it… and it still ain’t opened. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.

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Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?

I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, “How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?” And then he said, “How many of you people feel like animals?” The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.

I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same. “What does a giraffe taste like?” “A hippopotamus!”

I got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth… it looks like the fan is saying “No.” So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say “no” to. “Do you keep my hair in place?”

I don’t have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would buy a baby naming book… or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. God damn it anyway!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

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You can’t have seaweed as a house plant because you’d have to water it way too much. [Listen]

I went to the Home Depot the other day, which was unnecessary… I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying “Hey, we ain’t gotta fix shit.” [Listen]

The commercial for Diet Dr Pepper says “It tastes just like regular Dr Pepper”… well then they fucked up.

I get the Reese’s candy. If you read that name Reese’s, that’s an apostrophe S. Reese’s apostrophe S on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn’t know that.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy, you know? Refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does, then you add “er.”

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the “donate it to charity” slice. I would like to exchange this for the “keep it.” [Listen]