The Top 5 Funniest Jokes Ever
1. The Newlyweds
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, ‘Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?’
The husband says, ‘What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?’
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, ‘Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?’
He says: ‘What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?’
Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, ‘Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?’
He says, ‘What do I look like, Bob Vila?’
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
‘Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,’ she says.
‘Great! How much is that going to cost me?’ he snarls.
Wife says: ‘Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.’
‘Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?’ asks the husband.
‘What do I look like,’ she says, ‘Betty Crocker?’
2. The Stanley Cup Final
It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’
‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?‘
The neighbor says, ‘Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
‘This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?’
The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
3. Three Guys on a Desert Island
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’
4. The Barber Shop
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.’
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
5. The Pilot
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.
He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, ‘What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.’
All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says ‘Don’t forget the coffee!’