To the Residents of the US of America

In gentle of your failure to elect a reliable President of the USA and thus to manipulate yourselves, we hereby give discover of the revocation of your independence, efficient instantly. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and different territories (excepting Kansas, which she doesn’t fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America with out the necessity for additional elections. Congress and the Senate can be disbanded. A questionnaire could also be circulated subsequent 12 months to find out whether or not any of you seen.

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To help within the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the next guidelines are launched with speedy impact:

1. It’s best to search for “revocation” within the Oxford English Dictionary. Then search for “aluminium,” and examine the pronunciation information. You may be amazed at simply how wrongly you’ve been announcing it. The letter ‘U’ can be reinstated in phrases similar to ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you’ll study to spell ‘doughnut’ with out skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” can be changed by the suffix “ise.” You’ll study that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you might elect to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ in the event you discover you merely cannot deal with appropriate pronunciation.
Usually, you may be anticipated to lift your vocabulary to acceptable ranges. (search for “vocabulary”). Utilizing the identical twenty-seven phrases interspersed with filler noises similar to “like” and “” is an unacceptable and inefficient type of communication.

2. There isn’t any such factor as “US English.” We’ll let Microsoft know in your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker can be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

3. You’ll relearn your authentic nationwide anthem, “God Save The Queen”, however solely after totally finishing up Job #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will not be celebrated as a vacation. November 2nd will bea new nationwide vacation, however to be celebrated solely in England. Will probably be known as “Come-Uppance Day.”

5. You’ll study to resolve private points with out utilizing weapons, legal professionals or therapists. The truth that you want so many legal professionals and therapists exhibits that you simply’re not grownup sufficient to be impartial. Weapons ought to solely be dealt with by adults. If you happen to’re not grownup sufficient to kind issues out with out suing somebody or talking to a therapist you then’re not grown up sufficient to deal with a gun. Due to this fact, you’ll not be allowed to personal or carry something extra harmful than a vegetable peeler. A allow can be required in the event you want to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All American vehicles are hereby banned. They’re crap and that is to your personal good. After we present you German vehicles, you’ll perceive what we imply. All intersections can be changed with roundabouts, and you’ll begin driving on the left with speedy impact. On the similar time, you’ll go metric with speedy impact and with out the advantage of conversion tables. Each roundabouts and metrication will allow you to perceive the British sense of humour.

7. The Former USA will undertake UK costs on petrol (which you’ve been calling “gasoline”) – roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You’ll study to make actual chips. These stuff you name French fries will not be actual chips, and people stuff you insist on calling potato chips are correctly known as “crisps.” Actual chips are thick minimize, fried in animal fats, and dressed not with catsup however with vinegar.

9. Waiters and waitresses can be educated to be extra aggressive with clients.

10. The chilly tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer isn’t truly beer in any respect. Henceforth, solely correct British Bitter can be known as “beer,” and European brews of identified and accepted provenance can be known as “Lager.” American manufacturers can be known as “Close to-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that every one will be offered with out threat of additional confusion.

11. Hollywood can be required often to solid English actors nearly as good guys. Hollywood will even be required to solid English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell try English dialogue in “4 Weddings and a Funeral” was an expertise akin to having one’s ears eliminated with a cheese grater.

12. You’ll stop enjoying American “soccer.” There is just one type of correct soccer; you name it “soccer.” These of you courageous sufficient will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “soccer”, however doesn’t contain stopping for a relaxation each twenty seconds or carrying full kevlar physique armour like a bunch of nancies).

Additional, you’ll cease enjoying baseball. It isn’t affordable to host an occasion known as the “World Collection” for a recreation which isn’t performed exterior of America. Since solely 2.1% of you might be conscious that there’s a world past your borders, your error is comprehensible.

13. You have to inform us who killed JFK. It has been driving us mad.

14. An inside income agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Authorities can be with you shortly to make sure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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