The Real Pirate’s Guide

Real Pirate
Real Pirate


Real pirates are more imaginative
than to use the word “copy” in their

Corollary: Real pirates aren’t named
“Mr. Copy” because real pirates don’t
brag about coping Infocom Games.

The word “crack”(or “krack”)is found
nowhere in a real pirate’s name……
Unless, he really knows how to.

Real pirates’ aliases don’t sound as
if they were extracted from the lyrics
of an Ozzy Ozbourne song (i.e. Provis-
ioner of Satan, Black Avenger, Dark Phantom, etc….).

Real pirates don’t name themselves
after heavy metal groups.

Real pirates, if named after some
aspect of pirate legend (i.e. Jolly
Roger, Captain Hook, Eye Patch, etc.)
don’t say, “Avast ye scurvy dogs,” or
anything of the like.

Real pirates’ names aren’t parodies
of other reputable pirates (i.e. Resident of Lavender Bag, Mr. Pac Man, Franklin Bandit, etc…).

Real pirates don’t name themselves
after alcoholic beverages (i.e. Jack
Daniels, Harvey Wallbanger, Jim Beam,
etc.) especially when they’ve never
had one.

Real pirates spell their aliases cor-
rectly (unlike “The Poenix”).

Real pirates aren’t named Sam Houston
Sir Spanky, The Gamemaster, Lord
Fagen, Mr. Copy, Sir Vielant, (insert
your own losers here)….


Real pirates would never think of de-
leting “Sabotage”. It’s too much fun
imagining those little men are actual-
ly Sir Vielant!

Real pirates play Impossible Mission.

Real pirates have long since deleted
“TrashMan”, “E.T.”, “Alien Munchies”,
“Bug Battle”, “Snack Attack”, and
everything from SSI, Avalon Hill, and
Scott Adams.

Real pirates don’t bother to list
Jumpman as in their wares lists.

Corollary: Real pirates know that
everybody has Jumpman.

Real pirates upload. They realize
that leeching is the #2 sin (behind,
of course, being 13 years old).

Real pirates feel guilty when
pirating Commodore or Infocom of course, that never stops them.

Real pirates don’t believe the morons
who say they have Ultima IV and Joust!

Corollary: Real pirates realize that
there is a difference between Dual
and Joust!

Real pirates don’t count their wares,
but of course,real pirates don’t care.

Corollary: The third sin of pirating,
add up the amount of money in wares
you own.

Corollary: Nobody cares how much your
collection is valued at.

Real pirates don’t tell you about
all the junk they got last year when
listing their ‘new’ stuff.

Corollary: Real pirates know the
differences between new, old and very


Real pirates aren’t the fifth to post
the same “I have…” message.

Corrolary: Real pirates don’t post “I
have…” messages when they really
don’t have.

Real pirates don’t download programs
from public BBSs and then post “I know
it’s old, but I have…too” messages
on pirate boards.

Real pirates don’t post their high

Corollary: Real pirates don’t keep

Real pirates don’t say “K-K00L”,
“K-AWESOME”, “X10DER”, “L8R0N”,
or anything of the sort.

Real pirates know the difference be-
tween “f” and “ph” (i.e. “philes”,
“phuck”, “fone”, etc.).

Real pirates don’t waste everyone’s
time backspacing over their alias 50

Real pirates never use text graphics
in their messages.

Real pirates don’t care about The
Curse BBS’s “K-K00L M0DS”.

Real pirates don’t search for new
ways to spell “WARES”.

Real pirates don’t use the same
password on every system.

Corollary: Real pirates aren’t dumb.

Real pirates don’t use the last 5
lines of their messages bragging about
the 8 meaningless organizations that
they belong to.

Corollary: Real pirates don’t belong
to SWAPP, The Krakers or any other
local ‘Pirate’ groups.

Real pirates who are Ravics or HAL
SYSOPs hate those damned things.

Corollary: Real pirates crash them
whenever they have a chance.

Real pirates are satisfied with one
exclamation point.

Real pirates don’t call Dial-Your-

Real pirates never get into “Wars”
unless, of course, they are grinding
some 13 year old TI user or
Sir Vielant into the dust.


Real pirates don’t use Old Punter.

Real pirates no longer buy VicModems,
1650s, Westridges, or Mighty Modems.

Corollary: Real pirates buy Hayes
1200 baud SmartModems.

Corollary to the corollary: Real pi-
rates accept the reality that 300 baud
is dead.

Real pirates aren’t around to trade on
Friday or Saturday nights.

Corollary: Real pirates haven’t
watched Love Boat since they were 13.

Real pirates don’t list the dir 10
times, looking for Public Domain junk
to download.

Real pirates can get New Punter to
work right the first time.


That’s it…for now. Since losers in-
vent new ways to be losers every day,
expect a “Real Pirate’s Guide, Volume
2” very soon.

If any of you were terribly offended by
anything in this file, that’s your clue
to retire from the pirate world. After
all, Real pirates don’t get offended
by anything written in textfiles.

Thanks to the following for their
contributions to this file:

Otto Shineflug, Ctrl Reset, Bit
O’Nasty, Lord Chaos, Niloniel I, and
Con Man.