The Most Hilarious Household Man Quotes

Family Guy
Household Man
Peter: Oh my God, Brian, there is a message in my alpha-bits, it says “Ooooooo”
Brian: Peter, these are cheerios.Peter: Excuse me, is your refridgerater working? As a result of whether it is, it most likely runs such as you – very homosexually.

Vacuum repairman: There you go, all mounted. Seems a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the consumption.
Peter: Oh. Effectively, did you reserve it?
Vacuum repairman: Uh, no.
Peter: You bastard.

Peter: I am not afraid of something, I chuckle within the face of Loss of life. See HAHAHAHA.
Loss of life: Oh nice! Thanks lots. As if it wasnt already exhausting sufficient to slot in.
[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Quagmire: Expensive diary: Jackpot.
Counselor: I might prefer to put video cameras in each room of your home in order that I can observe your uncensored habits.
Peter: Wow, similar to that present Massive Brother … besides any person’ll be watching.Lois: The place would he go?
Peter: I do not know. I simply requested him to purchase me some peanuts and Crackerjacks.
Brian: I do not care if he ever will get again. I wasn’t being cute, I actually hope he is lifeless.

Glen Quagmire: Howdy, 911? It is Quagmire. Yeah, it is caught within the window this time.Stewie’s Letter: Expensive silly canine, I’ve gone to dwell with the kids on jolly farm. Good bye perpetually. Stewie.
P.S. I by no means bought an opportunity to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on high of my bureau. I am most likely over the thirty day return restrict however umm… I am positive if you happen to make a fuss they’re going to at the very least offer you a retailer credit score or one thing. Umm.. It is truly not a horrible sweater. It is… It is simply I am unable to think about after I would ever put on it you understand? Oh I additionally left a button on the bureau. I am unsure what it goes to, however I can by no means deliver myself to throw a button away. I do know that as quickly as I do I am going to discover the garment it goes to after which it will… Wait a minute, might it’s from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Effectively I ought to wrap this up earlier than I begin to ramble. Once more, goodbye perpetually.
P.P.S. You already know, it is likely to be a bit chilly in London, I am truly going to take the sweater.

Pope – Nobody embarrasses the Pope and will get away with it [Looks up at the sky], SMITE THEM!(waits for just a few seconds)

Pope – He is cooking up a one thing good!

Stewie: Hey, mom, I come bearing a present. I am going to offer you a touch. It is in my diaper and it is not a toaster.
Meg: You can kill all the ladies who’re prettier than me.
Loss of life: Effectively, that might simply depart England.
Chris: Dad, what is the blow-hole for?
Peter: I am going to let you know what it is not for, son. And after I do, you will perceive why I can by no means return to Sea World.
Lois: I’m not a loopy broad!
Peter: Oh, no, no, Lois, he did not imply you are loopy like Elizabeth Taylor. He meant you are loopy, like that glue. You stick with issues, y’know, like an adhesive. That is all he meant.Meg: I simply need to kill myself I am gonna go upstairs and eat an entire bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I am alergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois preserve staring)
Meg: You dont know something about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that man?

Man: Wow, Lois Griffin, Hey, I really like your act! Good melons.
Peter: Now hear pal!
Lois: Peter, I am holding mellons.
Peter: Oh
Man: And her hooters aint dangerous both.
Peter: Now maintain on a second.
Lois: Peter! I am holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No downside .
(pause)
Man: Your spouse’s scorching.
Peter: Alright that is it!
Peter: Wow, that Lois is a few kinda girl.
Quagmire: Yeah, simply thinkin’ about her makes my testicles wanna drop. Ooh, converse of the satan. Ooh, make the devils.Peter: Take a look at this, Lois, see proper right here [points in book], I used to be voted almost certainly to succeed!
Lois: Peter, that is not you. That is not even a yearbook, it is a Individuals journal.
Peter: Oh, I puzzled why they’d the flawed image and title.

Lois: You are drunk once more.
Peter: No, I am simply exhausted ‘trigger I have been up all night time consuming.
Peter: I bought an thought, an thought so sensible my head would explode if I even started to know what I used to be speaking about.
Peter: That was then and that is now. And it is a chair. And that is a lamp. And you’ve got boobies. And I am gonna discover that trophy.
Meg: I like him, he remembers my title!
Peter: I am going to deal with it, Lois. I learn a guide about this form of factor as soon as.
Brian: Are you positive it was a guide? Are you positive it wasn’t nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.
Peter: Lois, After I’m by with them, our children can be so sensible, they’re going to be capable to program their very own VCRs with out spilling piping scorching gravy throughout myself.
Peter: Lois, you have bought a sick thoughts!
Lois: Peter, I am speaking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I believed you wished us to homicide the kids and harvest their organs for beer cash.
Lois: Peter, did you paste a brand new image of your self on our wedding ceremony image?
Peter: Yeah I feel it seems higher.
Lois: You pasted it over me.
Peter: Yeah I feel it seems higher.Stewie: There’s at all times been a whole lot of stress between Lois and me, and it is not a lot that I need to kill her, it is simply, I need her to not be alive anymore.

Dennis Miller: I do not wanna go on a RANT right here however America‘s overseas coverage makes about as a lot sense as Beowolf having intercourse with Robert Fulton on the first Battle of Antetum. I imply when a neo-conservative defenstrates it is like Raskalnakov filibuster dioxymonohydrostinate.
Peter: What the hell does RANT imply?Genie: I’m right here to grant you three needs.
Lois: Peter, three needs. Oh that is so thrilling.
Meg: I need a new hat.
Chris: I need a new hat.
Stewie: I need them to have new hats!

[Chris jumps on Peter’s lap]
Chris: Dad, the scouts aren’t any enjoyable. I simply need to draw. Oh, and…
[kisses Peter]
Peter: Son, I’m going to face up, stroll out of this room, and we’re by no means to talk of this once more.
Head Scout: You have bought three days to earn a badge.
Peter: Three days! That is tomorrow! We gotta get going.
Peter: I am gonna go microwave a bagel and have intercourse with it.
Quagmire: Butter’s within the fridge!
Peter: Y2K? What are you promoting, hen or intercourse jelly?Auctioner: Our first merchandise is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had 9 STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And after we caught her she moist herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

Eliza: Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter.
Stewie: I used to be curious!
Lois: Peter, why would they make you presidesnt?
Peter: Perhaps it is as a result of I can recite all 50 states in 1 / 4 of a second – RARF!
Lois: Peter, that was only a loud yelping noise.
Brian: Oh my god. They ate Tricia Takanawa.
Peter: Why? They’re simply gonna get hungry once more in an hour.
Stewie: Straightforward! Therapeutic massage the scalp. You are washing a child’s hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas gown, you vacation drunk.
Chris: I do not assume I like toes as a lot as you do.
Quagmire: All people likes toes.
Peter: Sorry Meg. Daddy loves ya, however Daddy additionally loves Star Trek, and in all equity, Star Trek was right here first.Lois: Come on Stewie, you understand you’ll be able to’t depart the desk till you end your greens.
Stewie: Effectively, then I shall sit right here till considered one of us expires, and you have a great forty years on me, girl.
Lois: Sweetie, it is broccoli, it is good for you. Now open up for the airplane …
Stewie: By no means! Rattling the broccoli, rattling you, and rattling the Wright brothers.

Lois: Brian, you are house early. What occurred together with your date?
Brian: The identical factor that at all times occurs, she was an fool.Lois: Collectively we are able to do something: face any foe, overcome any impediment.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, lease any video, dial any cellphone. And never simply our cellphone, Lois, different folks’s telephones. Respectable telephones, God-fearing telephones, telephones that everyone else gave up on, however we knew higher as a result of we had been a crew!
Brian: What the hell are you speaking about?

Quagmire: Oh, Lois, I might do every little thing to you.
Lois: What?
Quagmire: I might do something for you.
Peter: I had such a crush on her. Till I met you Lois. You are my silver medal.
Quagmire: Howdy?
UPS Lady: Bundle for Mr. G. Quagmire.
Quagmire: OK, maintain on a sceond. [Shuts door, takes pants off, and opens door again]
Quagmire: I’ve bought a bundle for you too… [Showing penis] Alright!
Peter: No chook frenches my spouse and will get away with it.Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian … Nosotros caramos ir condustedes.. uhhhh …
Bellboy(spanish): Hey, that was fairly good, besides while you stated “me llamo es Brian,” you do not want the “es,” simply me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you converse english
Bellboy (sigh): No, simply that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You …. you are kidding me, proper?
Bellboy(spanish): Que?

Safety Guard: Alright son, we’re gonna want these two hams again.
Chris: Huh? I haven’t got any hams.
Guard: Raise up your shirt, son.
Chris: I would like an grownup! I would like an grownup!
Guard: You are not a shoplifter, you are only a fats child. Sorry about that fatty fats fatty. Hey Tom he is only a fats child! Aren’t you, fatty? You are only a huge ol’ fats child. Here is some chocolate fatso.
Chris: Thanks.

Cleveland Jr: Honey comb huge, yeah yeah yeah. It isn’t small, no no no.Peter (to Meg): Do not forget that pony you wished while you had been 6? Effectively I have been waitin for a time like this.
(opens closet door and a skeleton of a pony is there)
Peter: Oh, oh god, that is proper ponies, ponies like meals.

Peter: Simply do not forget our deal, Lois. I sit by this and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? Regardless of how neat I need the home it’s a must to clear it.
Stewie: Sure, however no sprinkles. For each sprinkle i discover, i shall KILL you.
Lois: A lady will not be an object.
Peter: Your mom is correct, son. Take heed to what it says.
Lois: Peter!
Mayor West: MY GOD! Someones stealing my water!
Meg: However it simply went down the drain.
Mayor West: The hit while you least anticipate it.
(Waters plant)
Mayor West: SHOW YOURSELVES COWARDS! I’ve spent $1000 {dollars} of the tax payers cash looking for these thieves and I am going to spend $1000000 if thats what it takes!
Meg: You already know, I feel I’ve my story.
Mayor West: NO! WAIT! You may’t print that! Thank god shes only a figment of my creativeness.
Glen Quagmire: Hello, Meg. Eighteen but?
Meg Griffin: No.
Glen Quagmire: Simply checkin’.Olivia: You’re the weakest hyperlink, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that is humorous! That is actually humorous! Do you write your individual materials? Do you? As a result of that’s so recent. You’re the weakest hyperlink goodbye. You already know, I’ve, I’ve by no means heard anybody make that joke earlier than. Hmm. You are the primary. I’ve by no means heard anybody reference, reference that exterior this system earlier than. As a result of that is what she says on the present proper? Is not it? You’re the weakest hyperlink goodbye. And, and but you have taken that and used it out of context to insult me on this on a regular basis state of affairs. God what a intelligent, sensible woman you have to be, to give you a joke like that each one by your self. That is so recent too. Any, any Titanic jokes you need to throw at me too so long as we’re hitting these phenomena on the top of their reputation. God you are so humorous!

Cleveland: Here is to Joe, who helped little Paul get a brand new liver and, barring a large an infection, a brand new lease on life.
Peter: There’s gotta be a proof for all this.
Brian: You need a proof? God is pissed!Cleveland: Public urination is simply flawed. Besides in the course of the Million Man March when protestors burned down our porta-potties and I used my stream of justice to place out the hate.

Peter: Gays do not vommit. They seem to be a very clear folks. They usually have been ever since they got here to this nation from France.
Chris: After I stick this military man with the sharp bayonette up my nostril, it tickles my mind. Hah hah hah … ow. Oh, now I do not know math.
Peter: I might prefer to suggest a toast to our neighbors. Positive they is likely to be black, handicapped, and a heartless intercourse hound, however hey, in the event that they moved out some smelly Hawaiians would possibly transfer in.
Brian: Face it Peter, you get aggressive about every little thing.
Peter: I’m so not aggressive. In reality, I’m the least non-competitive. So I win.
I.R.S. Consultant:Effectively sir, I am afraid that your not certified for a tax refund.
Peter:AAAHHHHH… ohh sorry, i nonetheless have not gotten over the lack of get together of 5.
I.R.S.: Effectively as I used to be saying you aren’t getting a tax refund.
Peter:AAAHHHHHH… oh Celebration of 5. What had been you saying?
IRS: You are not intitled for a tax refund.
Peter: AAHHHHH!
IRS: Was that for Celebration of 5 once more?
Peter: No, that was for my tax refund! What the hell is Celebration of 5!?
Quagmire: So, you women ever been penetrated?
Peter: [writing letter] Expensive MacGuyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a consuming straw. Please save my canine.
Peter: I informed Lois I would not drink
Quagmire: Do not feel so dangerous Peter
Peter: Hey, I by no means considered it that manner.
Lois: Peter it’s a must to go to work.
Peter: That is nothing a cellphone name cannot repair.
Peter: [Dialing phone] Howdy Mr. Weed? I am unable to come to work at this time. My household was in a horrible aircraft crash and I am a vegetable. See you tomorow.

Stewie: I might love to remain and chat however, you are a complete bitch.

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