Tagged: trump

Empire News – BREAKING: War With Iran Imminent; President Trump Reinstates Military Draft

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Earlier this week, President Trump illegally ordered the assassination of a top military general in Iran, Qasem Soleimani, prompting Iran to promise a swift revenge. In the imminent face of war with a powerful military in Iran, President Trump reinstated the United States draft, last used during the Vietnam Conflict.

“There are a lot of incredible, selfless American men and women who have been serving in the armed forces, some for many years, some still in basic training,” stated President Trump early this morning from the Oval Office. “These people, they need help. They need a lot of really, really big help, and we need to make sure they receive it. Reinstating the United States draft process is the easiest, and most logical answer.”

The draft process, which chooses young, American men at random to enlist in the armed forces, is something most people thought they would never see used again, but military officials agree with Trump that it’s the most efficient way to quickly build our military forces in the face of danger.

“When you anger another country by committing a blatant and completely illegal war crime, such as the case with our President’s attack in Iran, things heat up quickly, and action must be taken,” said Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. “We are ready to have our young men suit up and join our military forces, and the reinstatement of the draft will help immensely.”

“It’s about time these lazy millennials do something with their life other than eat Tide pods and watch YouTube videos,” said MAGA-hat wearing, Trump voter Carl Richards, 42, from Atlanta. “They could use the direction, the discipline, and should want to fight to protect our country from foreign invasion. It’s what I would have done when I was their age. Not doing it now, of course. Got myself some really tender soles, and I can’t walk for too long before my feet really start to hurt. If it wasn’t for that, I’d be out there signing up to shoot me some towelheads or whoever it is this time.”

Four season total landscaping sells merch now

According to The Philadelphia Inquirer, Four Seasons Total Landscaping director of Sales Sean Middleton received a call from the Trump campaign on November 7. They were looking for places along the I-95 corridor willing to host a press conference. The company agreed and moved some landscaping equipment around.

People thought the campaign made a mistake; after all, didn’t they mean the Four Seasons Hotel in Philadephia? Middleton said they never misled the campaign, and they knew they weren’t a hotel.

'Make America Rake Again' and 'Lawn and Order!'

After the press conference, calls started pouring into the company, though not many were inquiring about lawn maintenance. One of these calls was from Fiverr, Siravo said to Fox 29, and as the Super Bowl came and went, the landscaping company became even more well known.

Other than starring in a Super Bowl commercial and filming a documentary, Four Seasons also began selling merchandise. The company said the most famous people who’ve ordered merchandise include CNN anchor and native Philadelphian, Jake Tapper, Mike Myers, and Harry Potter actress Emma Watson.

And now, their famous garage door has become a tourist attraction too. Siravo said the company had planned to buy a larger property because of its growth, but because of their office’s newfound fame, they’ve decided to stay.

Crying Eric Trump Asks Father If They Poor Now

https://www.theonion.com/crying-eric-trump-asks-father-if-they-poor-now-1845595787

WASHINGTON—Following Donald Trump’s defeat in the 2020 presidential election, a crying Eric Trump reportedly asked his father Friday if they were poor now. “Daddy, I’m scared. Are we all out of money now that you’re not president no more?” asked Eric, 36, wiping away tears and snot from his face as he struggled to shatter his Minecraft piggy bank. “I have six paper money and a whole handful of these metal circles, hopefully that can help. Do me and Don Jr. have to get jobs now? I don’t want to be poor and smelly, but I don’t even know how to work. Being rich was the best ever and I don’t want it to stop.” At press time, a famished Eric Trump was sobbing while attempting to cut a leather shoe with a knife and fork.

VR Version of Trump’s Four Seasons Landscaping Event

Post-election press event to share conspiracy theories about why Donald Trump lost the presidential election will be remembered as an important piece of internet history.

The joke of holding the event at a place named Four Seasons but that is nothing close to the Four Seasons everyone’s familiar with is straight out of a sitcom.

So to immortalize this public failure, one guy recreated the “real” Four Seasons in VR Chat.