Dear New York Times Opinions and Editorials Page (or whatever nationally recognized publication ultimately receives and runs this column; I feel assured that wherever this piece has landed is a news journal of the highest regard),
Allow me to introduce myself. I am KIRGO!, or as many of you likely know me by now, the massive reptilian creature that just weaved a path of destruction through half of Northeast Asia. I am writing this just off the coast of South Korea, where I have chosen to take a break from my seemingly random acts of destruction to attempt to make something abundantly clear.
I am not a metaphor.
I see the reports and I read the articles speculating on why I could be doing this, what could have created such a monster, yada yada yada. The fact is, I am just a big lizard that can inexplicably shoot a heatbeam out of my mouth. I destroyed Seoul for the same reasons you humans might destroy an anthill with a magnifying glass – because you heard other kids did it before you and had to see for yourself whether or not it worked.
No part of my attack should be construed to represent Western imperialism, nor should I be looked at as some giant walking symbol of climate change. Monsters just gotta smash, okay? I didn’t melt the Eiffel Tower last week because I really wanted to send home the looming threat of nuclear weapons. I did it because I am a badass creature whose eyes glow red when I get mad enough. Can I just get some freakin credit for once?
Just a couple stories that say “Big Monster Wows With Destructive Force – Very Cool!” or “KIRGO! Rampage One of the Best Destructions to Ever Lack an Ulterior Motive.” It’s genuinely the least you could do. At this point, anything else is blatantly disrespectful towards me. I have feelings too, you know.
For example, when the world superpowers sent their combined armed forces to take me out with a pure hellstorm of firepower, I wasn’t frothing at the mouth at the thought of everyone finally seeing how a global terror event can actually work as a bureaucratic unifier. Yuck – boring! Jets and tanks being blown into a million pieces by my raw might? Rad as hell. That’s all it was – get used to it! Remember when I melted the Eiffel Tower and you all said it was symbolic of changing climates eventually destroying our current idea of civilization? Nope! It was symbolic of me seeing the Eiffel Tower and thinking, “Oh man, this is gonna be so dope.”
So please, I humbly ask of you all, as I approach landfall with nothing more on my mind than “boom boom fire crush,” don’t think of it as a launchpad to finally have that discussion about American imperialism or some other nerd shit. Think of it as me, a fifty-foot-tall iguana coming to kick your tallest building’s ass. Nothing more, nothing less.
See you soon,
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