Tagged: relationships

6 Great Ways to Turn That Bland Hinge Date Into Your Cultured, Brag-Worthy Boyfriend

Couple Dating

So you’ve been on a few dates. So you carry the conversation most of the time. So he claims “liking beer” is a viable personality trait. So there are “no good guys” in your city and you aren’t much of a prize yourself. It’s not a death sentence – there’s a chance you can still turn this drab nobody into the kind of interesting boyfriend you can use as a conversation starter at the dinner celebrating your flawless sister’s new PhD next week with your hard-to-please parents.

Here are some foolproof tips on how to make that transition.

1. Blow your paycheck on an entirely new wardrobe for him. Be sure to hit up places like World Market and the store called “Everest” in your affluent, largely-white hometown’s mall that sells knock-off clothing mimicking what white soccer mommies think can be found on the China-Nepal border. Grab him a few pairs of flowy, colorful Elephant Pants and some ethnic-looking bracelets. Maybe this will add some spice to his personality that screams “I’ve never left my middle-class Maryland suburb.”

2. Bully him into reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love and encourage him to pass off her whimsical travels as his own life story. So he can’t find India on a map? This probably won’t come up. Ignore the fact that your sister’s PhD is in geography with a focus on South Asia.

3. Send him a voucher for a free hotel stay a few blocks away and then break into his apartment while he’s not there. Replace his navy Walmart sheets with a luxury option sourced with Egyptian cotton with a 500 thread count. Layer his bed with avocado leather pillows. Toss out all his empty plastic water bottles and fill any empty space with leather-bound books on topics like anthropology, birth order, art history and the global financial crisis. When he mentions to you later in text that his room magically underwent a full makeover when he was away and asks if you know who did it, feign ignorance and say he’s always been into that kind of stuff.

4. Break into his social media accounts while he’s sleeping and delete all the photos of him holding a fish, playing soccer in early high school and his frat brothers unsmiling around a keg. Post stock images of coffee shops, faraway lands and him receiving a Nobel Peace Prize. Be sure to add captions like “love it here,” “my fave spot!” and “ugh, recognition embarrasses me!” Don’t reply when he accuses you of having done this, you psycho. Smile and embrace your first fight – you’re stronger as a couple after having it!

5. Trick him into calling you his girlfriend by telling him that he already called you that, last week at drinks with his friends after he’d ripped a few shots. Tell him he must’ve blacked out, but was surely referring to you as his loving girlfriend. Be sure to pepper the story with extremely specific details that simply must be true; they’re so particular. Continue to introduce yourself to people as his girlfriend until he decides you must be right. Don’t feel bad about essentially gaslighting him on this one. Men do it to women all the time!

6. Visit the apartment of your sick coworker with strep throat to deliver her some soup, but not without taking a few pieces of her silverware with you. Feed him dinner with the aforementioned tainted silverware so that he contracts strep and is thus unable to speak for himself at dinner with your family. Ensure that his banal excuse for a personality doesn’t come out in the form of him telling a story that has no point or talking about his interest in beer again. Don’t forget to upstage every success of your sister’s by talking about a fascinating trip taken or an anecdote about your boyfriend so that your parents know you’ve caught an interesting man and are thus doing better than her. Anything to move up on the inheritance list!

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Quiz: Is He Cheating, or Is He Balls Deep in a New 5,000-Piece Scenic Jigsaw Puzzle?

Woman Upset Cheating Boyfriend

1. You text him asking if he wants to grab brunch on Saturday. He:

a. Doesn’t reply for six hours; just goes completely silent and doesn’t answer your calls or emails. When he finally replies at 2 a.m., it’s with a text that reads, “idk babe I’m really swamped. Not this weekend.”

b. Doesn’t reply, but does butt-dial you and leave a mostly silent voicemail. You can barely make out the words “incredible view” and “edge piece.” Is this a new sex position he’s trying with his mistress or technical talk about his newest jigsaw? You’ll surely ruminate on that all night.

2. The two of you are watching a movie at his apartment. When he goes to the bathroom, his phone screen lights up with texts from someone named “Selby” who says they “got the goods.” When you ask him politely who this is, he:

a. Gets quiet really quickly, then starts to visibly sweat. He paces the room a few times before telling you that he has a drug problem and has been trying to keep it from you because he didn’t want you getting worried. He asks you to never bring it up and begs you to not go through his phone again. When you ask him what drug he’s using, he yells “Robitussin!” and quickly changes the subject.

b. Gets fidgety and huffy before admitting that he has a supplier with excellent connections in the “high-stakes visual problem-solving” industry. He tells you this supplier gets him the best and most competitive deals on hot jigsaws that haven’t hit the mass markets yet. You wonder if this is a code word for something but are too nervous to dig deeper.

3. The two of you are out at a lavish dinner to celebrate your anniversary. The waiter comes over and tells your boyfriend that there’s an urgent call for him on the main line. He runs off to take it and you stop the waiter to ask who’s calling. The waiter pauses before saying:

a. “Oh… just a…. work acquaintance, I think? A woman? He works in an office with a lot of women, right?” You smile and nod while recalling all the times that your software engineer boyfriend has complained about how fratty his workplace feels with a team of twenty-five men. But who knows, maybe they’re hiring?

b. “It was Marc with New York Puzzle Company, something about a new shipment coming in.” You take a minute to really rack your brain on what this could mean. You have no idea what the kids these days are calling things; that could really be code for just about anything.

4. You run into one of your boyfriend’s roommates at Trader Joe’s on a Sunday morning. You ask him how he’s doing and if your boyfriend is getting over that nasty stomach bug he’s had for the past two weeks that kept you from seeing him. The roommate:

a. Looks around nervously and shouts, “YEAH, THE STOMACH BUG, IT’S BEEN REALLY BAD FOR ALL OF US” before quickly getting a silent phone call and running away without paying for his groceries. I guess the side effects of a stomach bug can be social awkwardness, though you’ve never heard of that. Anything’s possible!

b. Smiles and holds up some applesauce he says he just bought for your boyfriend. He mentions that bland foods and quiet, brain stimulating activity have really helped your boyfriend feel better.

5. You sneak over to his apartment unannounced to surprise him after a tough day at work. When you fling open the door to his room, he:

a. Screams and throws a blanket over his bed where a large mass is sitting. Sweating and nude, he nervously asks you why you didn’t text before coming over. You can swear you hear someone else breathing in the room, but try not to think too hard about it. He was probably just packing his suitcase naked again and didn’t want you to see inside of it. Some people are really private!

b. Gasps and throws a blanket over the floor area where he’s sitting, hunched over. He’s fully clothed, wearing his reading glasses and looks really relaxed. He asks you calmly why you didn’t text before coming over and invites you to sit and help him with his new 5,000-piece scenic jigsaw puzzle. You wonder if this is a euphemism for something.

If you got mostly As:

Oh honey, are you sitting down right now? Your boyfriend is surely, no-doubt-in-hell cheating on you. You caught him with another woman in his bed, for crying out loud. Cut that sucker loose, grab a pint of ice cream and throw on The Notebook, sister.

If you got mostly Bs:

Sounds like a classic case of your boyfriend getting balls deep in a new 5,000-piece scenic jigsaw puzzle! Don’t beat yourself up – the signs can be really hard to spot. But you might as well lean in and join him from time to time. Puzzles are known to calm the psyche!

The post Quiz: Is He Cheating, or Is He Balls Deep in a New 5,000-Piece Scenic Jigsaw Puzzle? appeared first on Robot Butt.