Tagged: Life

The Robot Butt Guide To Remote Job Interviewing

Remote job interview

With the pandemic lingering and major technological advancement creating new normalized systems of communication not being the fad some of us bet it would be (you’ll get your $20, Dave), it seems like remote job interviewing is going to be a skill everyone will need to make the most out of in their career pursuits going forward. 

Remote job interviews typically consist of a virtual sit-down call over a computer video chatting software like Zoom, Skype, or the haunted Skype-like program from 2014’s Unfriended (same as the program from 2018’s Unfriended: The Dark Web). While some would argue interviewing remotely is barely any different from in-person, the truth is that the typical skills and tips that apply to regular interviewing will never come in handy in a remote interview and should be immediately expunged to make space for these new skills, tips, and tricks. If you find yourself with an in-person interview in the near future, simply forget all of this information and read our article on interviewing in person. 

So, with it in mind that remote interviewing is a dangerous world where mistakes can cost you everything (an average-wage job in a book reselling warehouse), here is a complete guide to nailing it. 

Clothing

Take the vibes you expect the company’s office to exude into account when picking your outfit for an interview. The fastest way to be laughed out of a cool, free thinking, and prosperous new startup is to show up wearing a stuffy suit when you should have had on your best Vineyard Vines long sleeve. If you aren’t sure what the vibes are like, or if you are applying to a traditional boring job like most people, going for slightly-above-business-casual look will do. 

Shirt

Throw on a nice shirt and suit jacket, but skip the tie to show you’re a little dangerous and shouldn’t be fully trusted. 

Pants

It’s easy to think you don’t need suit pants since it’s a video call, but any interviewer worth their salt will at some point do a “pants check” and make you get up and do a full turn. Plus, you want to feel the confidence of being properly dressed. However, why stop there? To really go for confidence, throw on the lower-half item that gives you the biggest buff, such as the gym shorts you won the pickup game in or the blue jeans you had on when you recorded your first big hit single. Go for maximum stat bonuses and sacrifice the cosmetic points.

Shoes

Always remember the rule that the more they hurt your feet, the fancier the shoes are.

Belt

All of this should be worn with a basic brown belt, obviously. 

Interview Setup

Make sure to have your key and fill lights ready. If you have one available, use a webcam or a 1895 Lumiere Brothers crank film camera instead of your computer’s built-in webcam.

Internet Connection

Networks at home can be inconsistent so take your computer to a public place with free WiFi like a coffee shop or a main room at your current place of work.

Background

You have control over where wandering eyes drift to. Fill the space behind you with any of these staples:

  • Karate trophy (can be bought online)
  • Bookshelf of smart person books (The Bell Jar, Atlas Shrugged, etc.)
  • Enticing candy bowl

Interviewing

Despite what you’ve maybe heard, remote interviewing is pretty similar to in-person. Stick to everything you learned from our previous article, Get Any Job You Want With Four Simple Tricks and One Medieval Battle Axe, and you’ll be most of the way there.

Here are the few remote tips you need to get the rest of the way:

Do

  • Casually mention you are 6’5″ in person and look shorter on camera.
  • Add them on Facebook during the interview
  • Smile and nod constantly 
  • Give smart and funny answers to every question 
  • Ask smart and funny questions
  • Craft a perfect-length anecdote that is both funny, humanizing, and displays total professionalism and then slip it into conversation naturally

Don’ts

  • Be on a phone interview 
  • Ask why the other person is blacked out of all the photos on the shelf behind them
  • Eat from the candy bowl (do not be enticed!)

Phone Interviews

One likely scenario is that before you can even get to the Zoom interview you’ll be asked to do a short phone screening. Often this is just the company’s way of making sure you are actually qualified and haven’t gone missing since applying to the position.

Answering

Let the phone ring six to nineteen times, then allow thirty seconds of silence and them saying “hello?” before finally saying hello back. This immediately shifts the power from them to you. 

Tone

Your tone should be friendly, but professional. Casual, but focused. Sociable, but work-minded. Easygoing, but in dire need of this job. 

Always take time to ask questions like:

  • What are the work hours most consistently like?
  • What do you do with your free time?
  • Who do you spend that time with?
  • Where do you and those people like to go?
  • What nights typically?
  • Do you feel like there is room for another cool person to assimilate into the group if you were to run into them naturally on one of these excursions and immediately discover they like the same music, movies, and other things you do?
  • What music, movies, and other things do you like?

Hanging Up

Thank them for their time, then accidentally say “goodbye, love you.” This will give you something to dwell on indefinitely until you ultimately decide that mistake cost you a callback. 

Pre-Recorded Interviews

Every once in a while I have seen an online interview system where the company requests a short video recording that answers the written question(s) they present. Sometimes these systems don’t even show you the question until you hit record and do not allow any stopping or resetting. While rare, these interview tools are still used despite being outlawed as psychological torture weapons by the 2019 Geneva Conventions. 

When facing one of these systems, here are steps to take to ensure you put your best virtual foot forward. 

Prepare

Practice a tight minute that highlights the biggest strengths to you as an employee. No matter what the prompt says, do this minute with a forced smile and dead eyes.

Be Present

Recording is the hardest part. Everyone besides me is nervous on camera and there’s always the looming paranoia that the video won’t even be watched. That’s why you don’t record a video. Instead, drive to the headquarters of wherever you are applying. Fly or take a train if necessary. Once there, let reception know you are there for your virtual interview with the hiring manager. If COVID restrictions are forcing the company to work remotely, look up the hiring manager for the role you are applying to and drive to their home. You can find their address through a quick Google search or by paying someone questionable through Fiverr.com.

Record

Now in front of the hiring manager, begin your recording as if you are talking to your webcam. Deliver your rehearsed minute with a convincingly casual demeanor that says “I’m professional yet approachable!” They will give you a dumbfounded look as no one has ever impressed them with initiative as much as you just did today. Make a note that if they would like to watch the video again or forward along to anyone else in the company that you’d be happy to free up time in your schedule and come back.

Follow Up

You have their address.

Get Hired!

Following this guide should lead you to gainful employment in no time! If it doesn’t, you did it wrong. Try again. Then, congratulations, you’ve got a new job! All that’s left to do is kick back, relax, and send us exactly 10% of all your earnings. That’s the cost of the guide and by reading to this point you are legally obligated to pay.

We wish you the best of luck in your job search and look forward to the steady income you will be sending us (or if you refuse, we look forward to pulverizing you in a court of law).

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Quiz: Is He Cheating, or Is He Balls Deep in a New 5,000-Piece Scenic Jigsaw Puzzle?

Woman Upset Cheating Boyfriend

1. You text him asking if he wants to grab brunch on Saturday. He:

a. Doesn’t reply for six hours; just goes completely silent and doesn’t answer your calls or emails. When he finally replies at 2 a.m., it’s with a text that reads, “idk babe I’m really swamped. Not this weekend.”

b. Doesn’t reply, but does butt-dial you and leave a mostly silent voicemail. You can barely make out the words “incredible view” and “edge piece.” Is this a new sex position he’s trying with his mistress or technical talk about his newest jigsaw? You’ll surely ruminate on that all night.

2. The two of you are watching a movie at his apartment. When he goes to the bathroom, his phone screen lights up with texts from someone named “Selby” who says they “got the goods.” When you ask him politely who this is, he:

a. Gets quiet really quickly, then starts to visibly sweat. He paces the room a few times before telling you that he has a drug problem and has been trying to keep it from you because he didn’t want you getting worried. He asks you to never bring it up and begs you to not go through his phone again. When you ask him what drug he’s using, he yells “Robitussin!” and quickly changes the subject.

b. Gets fidgety and huffy before admitting that he has a supplier with excellent connections in the “high-stakes visual problem-solving” industry. He tells you this supplier gets him the best and most competitive deals on hot jigsaws that haven’t hit the mass markets yet. You wonder if this is a code word for something but are too nervous to dig deeper.

3. The two of you are out at a lavish dinner to celebrate your anniversary. The waiter comes over and tells your boyfriend that there’s an urgent call for him on the main line. He runs off to take it and you stop the waiter to ask who’s calling. The waiter pauses before saying:

a. “Oh… just a…. work acquaintance, I think? A woman? He works in an office with a lot of women, right?” You smile and nod while recalling all the times that your software engineer boyfriend has complained about how fratty his workplace feels with a team of twenty-five men. But who knows, maybe they’re hiring?

b. “It was Marc with New York Puzzle Company, something about a new shipment coming in.” You take a minute to really rack your brain on what this could mean. You have no idea what the kids these days are calling things; that could really be code for just about anything.

4. You run into one of your boyfriend’s roommates at Trader Joe’s on a Sunday morning. You ask him how he’s doing and if your boyfriend is getting over that nasty stomach bug he’s had for the past two weeks that kept you from seeing him. The roommate:

a. Looks around nervously and shouts, “YEAH, THE STOMACH BUG, IT’S BEEN REALLY BAD FOR ALL OF US” before quickly getting a silent phone call and running away without paying for his groceries. I guess the side effects of a stomach bug can be social awkwardness, though you’ve never heard of that. Anything’s possible!

b. Smiles and holds up some applesauce he says he just bought for your boyfriend. He mentions that bland foods and quiet, brain stimulating activity have really helped your boyfriend feel better.

5. You sneak over to his apartment unannounced to surprise him after a tough day at work. When you fling open the door to his room, he:

a. Screams and throws a blanket over his bed where a large mass is sitting. Sweating and nude, he nervously asks you why you didn’t text before coming over. You can swear you hear someone else breathing in the room, but try not to think too hard about it. He was probably just packing his suitcase naked again and didn’t want you to see inside of it. Some people are really private!

b. Gasps and throws a blanket over the floor area where he’s sitting, hunched over. He’s fully clothed, wearing his reading glasses and looks really relaxed. He asks you calmly why you didn’t text before coming over and invites you to sit and help him with his new 5,000-piece scenic jigsaw puzzle. You wonder if this is a euphemism for something.

If you got mostly As:

Oh honey, are you sitting down right now? Your boyfriend is surely, no-doubt-in-hell cheating on you. You caught him with another woman in his bed, for crying out loud. Cut that sucker loose, grab a pint of ice cream and throw on The Notebook, sister.

If you got mostly Bs:

Sounds like a classic case of your boyfriend getting balls deep in a new 5,000-piece scenic jigsaw puzzle! Don’t beat yourself up – the signs can be really hard to spot. But you might as well lean in and join him from time to time. Puzzles are known to calm the psyche!

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Milkshake Issues

Woman at store with stomach pain

The milkshake was a mistake.

You knew better than to indulge in that decadent treat. You knew your lactose-intolerant gut couldn’t handle all that dairy bliss. Yet you did it anyway.

Now you’re paying the price. 

As you wait in line at the discount store, your stomach cramps, gurgles, rumbles, and makes sounds no human organ should make. You tried looking for a bathroom, but the store is a maze. 

And just your luck, the queue is taking forever. The customer at the checkout rummages her leopard-printed purse, passionately hunting for coins because she “thinks she has enough cash.” A minute passes. Two. Three. She asks the cashier if they accept checks. This is your punishment. She is your punishment. Telepathically, you demand she hurry the fuck up. Instead, the oblivious hag pulls out her glasses, checkbook, ID, pen. 

You contemplate leaving. But you need the Imodium. 

Desperately.

You think about changing lines. But the store is packed fuller than a Japanese bullet train on a Monday morning. Plus, it won’t matter which queue you choose. Luck is against you today. 

Deal with it. 

You know Kramer’s, next door, also has what you need. But it’ll be overpriced, just like the rest of their gluten-, wheat-, nut-, soy-, filler-, preservative-, and taste-free, non-GMO, non-high-fructose containing, organic, locally sourced, sustainable, keto-friendly, animal-friendly food products. So you stay. Because you’re a thrifty consumer – not some credulous hoity-toity dilettante.

Sure, their option for self-checkout is appealing. But you find their exorbitant pricing off-putting, ludicrous. Comparing prices on your phone, you justify your decision – the same product in your hand is seven dollars more at Kramer’s.

Seven. Whole. Dollars.

Unable to handle the pressure anymore, you let one slip. Silently. It reeks of rancid meat and burnt cabbage. The man in the muscle tee behind you doesn’t react. He’s busy looking at gum. Juicy Fruit. You then notice how striking he is – a Mario Lopez doppelgänger, complete with a set of dimples. And no ring. You imagine running your hands through his wavy black hair, feeling its silky texture flow through your own ring-free fingers. You dream about caressing his chiseled body, feeling the grooves of his wiry, sinewed arms, and rock-solid obliques.

He catches you staring; his dimples deepen a little. You look away.

At the counter, Check Lady licks her fingers, then thumbs through her checkbook, examining each page as if it were from a family photo album. 

Good gravy, you think, and let another one slip – a real winner. You worry the stench has invaded Mario’s space. But he’s too occupied with the tabloids, reading about cryptologists who have deciphered the meaning of Elon Musk’s baby’s name.

You relax your shoulders. 

But your abdomen feels distended. The button on your jeans is pushing into your navel. One more release, and you’ll be all set. 

Check Lady says she is almost finished, but “oh, wait.” She messed up and needs to start again. Says she’s very sorry. The cashier palms his forehead, then shakes his head. You wonder if he’ll quit his job today.

A few moments pass before you hear: “Move to the side, please!” 

A stack of toilet paper piled high maneuvers through the queue. The worker pushing the cart imitates a horn as if someone cut him off in traffic: “Beep, beep, beep.” 

You take advantage of the distraction and squeeze the last one out. 

At that specific moment, Mario scatters out of the way, stepping forward into your mephitic cloud of doom. 

He smiles as you bump shoulders. His eyes glimmer into yours. But his dreamy expression is short-lived. Stepping back, his eyes squint, his nose wrinkles, and his upper lips turn in. 

Your face flushes. 

You nervously titter. 

You look down at your shoes.

And suddenly you think seven dollars isn’t that much after all.

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Gifts That 100% Won’t Remind Dad That Mom Is Dead

Elderly man opening a present

Finding a gift dad will like is hard. Finding a gift he likes that doesn’t remind him that mom is dead is harder. Whether it’s his birthday, Christmas, Hanukkah, Father’s Day, or just to show you care, here are safe gift ideas that won’t make the man, who you’ve never seen cry, break down into an inconsolable puddle of tears.

1. Ten, 100 Grand Chocolate Bars. Every dad wants more money! The pressure to be the financial caretaker is real. Throw ten 100 Grand chocolate bars in a bag and tell him, “Here’s a million dollars!” What? Your mom used to give him that joke gift? And he hated it? Really? Hmmm, you might think it’s funny that just when he thinks he’s safe from ever getting that annoying gift again, you surprise him with it, but it will ultimately remind him of your mom. So please don’t do it, no matter how funny you think you are! I’m serious. Learn some sensitivity, you animal!

2. World’s Best Dad Mug. Classic and most traditional go-to. Right? No? Oh, your mom had a huge mug collection, you say? Don’t worry. We still have more to go. One of them will surely work.

3. Jerry Seinfeld’s New Book. This is the perfect gift. It is 100% composed of material written after your mom’s death, so nothing in it will remind him of her. What? You got that already, and the book jacket features an old quote from Jack Benny? Damn it!  That’s every mom’s favorite comedian. Why did you get that and make him cry?! You monster!

4. Amazon Fire Tablet. He loves shiny gadgets and tapping screen buttons. If this is his first computer tablet, there is no way this could remind him of your mom. Oh, crap. You got him that and then realized too late Alexa is the name of your cousin twice removed on your mom’s side of the family? OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SO BAD AT THIS!

5. Luffa Back Scrubber. Men need a little luxurious self-care bath time, and there is no way a luffa can remind someone of their wife. Wait, what did you just say? You also already got him this, and the shape of the luffa pouf reminds him of your mom’s diehard bouffant helmet hairstyle?! GOD DAMN IT!

6. A Pen Set. Okay, this one is safe and so simple. Everyone has pens. It’s so generic no one has an emotional attachment to it. There is no way you can connect a pen to your mom. And your dad handles the finances. He needs the treat to make paying bills fun. What? Your mom died because she dropped a pen while driving?! Why didn’t you mention this BEFORE I started my research?! Seriously, do you have any awareness of other people?!

7. Golf Clu-WHAT? When your mom bent over to pick up the pen set, she crashed into a golf course?! Which you also failed to mention! DEAR GOD, YOU ARE TWO SECONDS AWAY FROM DRIVING ME TO THROW MYSELF OUT THIS WINDOW!

8. Authentic 18th Century Bagpipes. YES! This is something so random and specific there is no way this won’t work! Let’s see you TRY to make a connection to mom with this. WHAT?! The golf course your mom drove into was the historical St. Andrews Golf Course in Scotland, and she hit a pipe band performing songs made famous by Michael Bublé?! DAMN F$%@$ S$!T B$!!S! Well, there goes my next idea to give him the Michael Bublé box set.

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6 Great Ways to Turn That Bland Hinge Date Into Your Cultured, Brag-Worthy Boyfriend

Couple Dating

So you’ve been on a few dates. So you carry the conversation most of the time. So he claims “liking beer” is a viable personality trait. So there are “no good guys” in your city and you aren’t much of a prize yourself. It’s not a death sentence – there’s a chance you can still turn this drab nobody into the kind of interesting boyfriend you can use as a conversation starter at the dinner celebrating your flawless sister’s new PhD next week with your hard-to-please parents.

Here are some foolproof tips on how to make that transition.

1. Blow your paycheck on an entirely new wardrobe for him. Be sure to hit up places like World Market and the store called “Everest” in your affluent, largely-white hometown’s mall that sells knock-off clothing mimicking what white soccer mommies think can be found on the China-Nepal border. Grab him a few pairs of flowy, colorful Elephant Pants and some ethnic-looking bracelets. Maybe this will add some spice to his personality that screams “I’ve never left my middle-class Maryland suburb.”

2. Bully him into reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love and encourage him to pass off her whimsical travels as his own life story. So he can’t find India on a map? This probably won’t come up. Ignore the fact that your sister’s PhD is in geography with a focus on South Asia.

3. Send him a voucher for a free hotel stay a few blocks away and then break into his apartment while he’s not there. Replace his navy Walmart sheets with a luxury option sourced with Egyptian cotton with a 500 thread count. Layer his bed with avocado leather pillows. Toss out all his empty plastic water bottles and fill any empty space with leather-bound books on topics like anthropology, birth order, art history and the global financial crisis. When he mentions to you later in text that his room magically underwent a full makeover when he was away and asks if you know who did it, feign ignorance and say he’s always been into that kind of stuff.

4. Break into his social media accounts while he’s sleeping and delete all the photos of him holding a fish, playing soccer in early high school and his frat brothers unsmiling around a keg. Post stock images of coffee shops, faraway lands and him receiving a Nobel Peace Prize. Be sure to add captions like “love it here,” “my fave spot!” and “ugh, recognition embarrasses me!” Don’t reply when he accuses you of having done this, you psycho. Smile and embrace your first fight – you’re stronger as a couple after having it!

5. Trick him into calling you his girlfriend by telling him that he already called you that, last week at drinks with his friends after he’d ripped a few shots. Tell him he must’ve blacked out, but was surely referring to you as his loving girlfriend. Be sure to pepper the story with extremely specific details that simply must be true; they’re so particular. Continue to introduce yourself to people as his girlfriend until he decides you must be right. Don’t feel bad about essentially gaslighting him on this one. Men do it to women all the time!

6. Visit the apartment of your sick coworker with strep throat to deliver her some soup, but not without taking a few pieces of her silverware with you. Feed him dinner with the aforementioned tainted silverware so that he contracts strep and is thus unable to speak for himself at dinner with your family. Ensure that his banal excuse for a personality doesn’t come out in the form of him telling a story that has no point or talking about his interest in beer again. Don’t forget to upstage every success of your sister’s by talking about a fascinating trip taken or an anecdote about your boyfriend so that your parents know you’ve caught an interesting man and are thus doing better than her. Anything to move up on the inheritance list!

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Stuff You Can Sell for $5

Dumpster

Hello, my name is Jeron and I am a naked dumpster diver. I do it naked for agility, of course. I resell trash and services at low costs. Everything under $5. What can I say? People are desperate to spend money on something, even if it’s nothing.

I have been a professional garbage reseller for ten years. In that time, I gathered data on fast-selling trash and compiled a list of the top five items.

If you’re looking to sell trash fast, this list is the covenant to success. 

1. Broken Phone Charger

This phone charger is an instant bestseller, guaranteed. Not only is it ripped to shreds, but legally I cannot call it a cable; it is a static medieval rope. Don’t hold it for long or it’ll give you an instant rash (or if you have a rash fetish, remember: moderation is key). The original phone for this charger is a 1997 Nokia 6110, though I’m sure it’s applicable to any smartphone today, if your goal is ultimate self-destruction. Customers can use it for obsessive hoarding, a leash for a hated dog, or expert-level mosquito self-defense. Other functions include, but are not limited to, low-budget baton twirling, frequent yet unexpected electrocution, and zip-lining that ends in death.

2. Half a Book

Do you like the exposition and hints of a mystery novel but hate closure? Do you enjoy reading only the good parts of history, like most white men? Get half a book! A car manual for an unlicensed driver, a cooking book for the lazy chef, or even a Bible, the history book for half-ass Christians. Teachers will go bonkers for these shredded math books because it’ll help us maintain that 30th worldwide ranking in math education.

 3. Bowl of Shit

Due to growing up poor, I was never able to go to business school where they taught the famous “sell me this pen” exercise. The only exercise I was able to do was “sell me this bowl of shit.” Because of my unique upbringing, it is possible that I am the best bowl of shit seller in the entire world. If I can do it, anyone can do-do it! A bowl of shit for $5 is a steal – those usually sell for $8 if you’re close to an Arby’s. Similar to a $5 footlong or a $5 pizza, a $5 bowl of shit will get you some shit before you shit.

 4. Used Battery Just for the Taste

Are you hungry but don’t want to eat anything? Grab an old battery! This poorly aged, white mold crisis battery has just enough juice to make you puke. If you hate fruits and love the lingering acid taste of a four-year-old battery, is for you. Even with soap and water, thirty-two gallons of Listerine, or sixty Tide Pods in your mouth, the bitterness never goes away. Oh boy, what a joy! Customers can also replace energy drinks with batteries for an instant rush of power. Instead of drinking water and sugar in a green can, you can simply taste pure energy as soon as you make contact. There is nothing better for a stressful day at the office. Take a battery with you – it might just save your life. 

 5. One-Star Uber Driver

If you hate taxis and buses, then you’ll definitely hate this Uber. Public transportation has never been cheaper, slower, or smellier. When you sit in your one-star Uber ride, prepare yourself for a 1989 Chevy Silverado instead of the advertised 2020 Tesla. No AC, wet carpeting, and a functioning door (maybe). The driver looks aggressively ex-military and says no words, nor gives even a look. The car will have last month’s expired milk for refreshments, moist gum under the seats for those who need herpes or a snack, and a second passenger who just bought his first bowl of shit. Enjoy your ride! You really do get what you pay for.

Thank you for reading this article until the end. I hope you make tens. That’ll be $5.

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I’m the Man, So I’m Manning My New WiFi-Enabled Traeger Pellet Grill

Grilling hamburgers

Come on over here by the grill with the guys. It’s in man’s nature to stand over a fire and cook the flesh of fallen beasts. Barbaric yet peaceful, you know?

Fuck yeah, it is!

Let me fire this bad boy up. First, I gotta make sure it has enough proprietary wood pellets. Just gotta open up the Traeger app. 

There’s enough to get her going. The patented pellet sensor will let me know if I need to add any mid-cook. Just have to dump them right here in this compartment. Then they’ll be fed into the heating compartment with an auger drive mechanism. Fuckin’ man stuff. Am I right?

Okay, let’s fire this puppy up! Just gotta press this button in the Traeger app. Traeger calls this WiFIRE® technology. Badass, right? There’s no fire in a technical sense. The proprietary pellets are ignited by a hot rod, and the heat is distributed throughout the grill with a convection fan.

Annnd we’ve got convection, boys! You hear the fan? Now, I just gotta get this thing to the right temperature. This is where you separate the men from the boys. Boys let the grill get to whatever temperature it wants, and then just cook their meat at that temperature. But man didn’t harness fire so it could give us a dry, overcooked burger, you know? Let me show you how it’s done. Just gotta use this digital temperature gauge. Bam!

That’s how you tame a fire, fellas! Or a convection fan. I’m not exactly sure how it works.

Now for my favorite part – cracking open a cold one while it heats up. They say the best beer in the world is the one you drink while waiting for the grill to be ready. They’re goddamn right it is. I’m gonna chug this one because the Traeger heats up immediately.

Buurrrp! It’s ready. Just got the smartphone notification. 

Okay, time to slap these patties on and get to work. My method is pretty simple. After one beer, the burgers are rare. After two, they’re medium. After three, they’re well done. Haha! That’s just a joke I heard once, so I had it printed on my apron. None of you mentioned it, so I just wanted to make sure you noticed. The women didn’t mention it either, but, you know, it’s grill humor. Man stuff.

But really, I just know when the burgers are done, usually without even looking at them. It’s almost like I intuit the precise moment when they’re perfectly cooked. Because these WiFIRE® thermometers I’m sticking in them send a notification to my Apple Watch.

And the burgers are on. Just listen to the fat sizzle when it falls through the grates. This never gets old, you know? Just sitting out here with the guys, drinking coldies, cooking meat, and talking about…

Ohhh, shit! They’re done! Look at my wrist. The grill master’s intuition, boys. Just a little buzz and I knew they were done. 

Let me get ‘em off the grill and onto a plate.

Now look at those patties. True perfection. It’s the convection, I think.

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What are sure signs that your spouse has cheated on you?

Cheating can be devastating for partners. Though many people try to keep it a secret, still there are many ways to find out this through some tell-tale signs.

  1. Your partner seems bored. Bored with you, with a job, with kids, with hobbies, with life in general.
  2. There is considerably less intimacy or connection in your relationship.
  3. Your sex life is practically non-existent.
  4. Or, there are lots of new things introduced into sex that were never before.
  5. Your spouse has a low self-esteem.
  6. Your spouse doesn’t show any jealousy about you, no matter what you say.
  7. You notice your spouse has a sense of confusion about him or her self.
  8. Your spouse has become lazy, especially around the house.
  9. Your spouse is more negative.
  10. Your spouse becomes more critical of you.
  11. Your spouse seems to be picking fights more often.
  12. You can’t get your spouse to communicate with you (stonewalling).
  13. Your spouse gets very defensive if you mention infidelity or affairs.
  14. Your spouse is suddenly more attentive than usual.
  15. Your mate is working longer hours at work.
  16. Your spouse is dressing nicer, looking nicer or there is a sudden interest in appearance.
  17. You notice charges on credit card statement that don’t make sense.
  18. You are aware of different scents of cologne or aftershave lotion on your spouse’s clothes.
  19. Your spouse is indifferent to family events like birthdays and holidays.
  20. You find your partner has been lying to you about a variety of things.
  21. Money becomes more of an issue between the two of you.
  22. The words “I love you” are not spoken by your spouse any longer.
  23. He/she doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything with you anymore.
  24. You can’t even get your mate to fight with you.
  25. You feel as if you are being avoided.
  26. Your partner abandons religious faith.
  27. Your spouse seems more secretive.
  28. You discover lipstick smudges on a shirt.
  29. You are not satisfied with your partner’s response when asked for cheating.