Tagged: Headlines

ABOMINABLE BEACHMAN!

HAIRLESS HAWAIIAN GIANT TERRORIZES LOCAL FISHERMAN

HONOLULU, HI — Weekly World News has tracked many bizarre creatures over the years, from Bat Boy to Bigfoot. But none has been quite so unusual as the lonely creature that roams these beautiful South Pacific beaches at night.

“He’s a beachcomber you don’t want to meet,” said Kanoa, a retired fisherman. “The thing is about 10 feet tall, completely hairless, with huge teeth and a dark tan.”

The so-called Abominable Beachman is reportedly the last of his kind. He is said to have descended from a race of Hawaiian giants who once lived high atop the superheated volcanoes that dot the islands. Over the millennia, the scalding steam burned off their hair and baked their skin to leather. Their great size is said to be a result of having to take longer and longer strides to escape flowing lava or lift huge rocks to plug erupting vents.

For more than 50 years, the creature has been a closely guarded secret among the islanders. Part of that is safety. Those curious souls who have invaded the creature’s lair end up with their arms and legs twisted into pretzel-like knots. Part of it is also privacy.

“Too many tourist boats chase fish away,” said Kanoa.

Now, however, the 83-year-old widower has decided to share what he knows about the legendary monster.

“I need the money,” he shrugged.

HUNTING FOR THE BEAST

At midnight, Kanoa took Weekly World News out of his fishing boat. He rounded the coast to a rocky area that was inaccessible by land. There, he cut the engines roughly 100 years from a small cave.

“We dare not get too close,” said Kanoa. “He throws boulders to sink ships. Then he messes up the intruders and throws them back in.”

After half an hour, with the moon bright in a cloudless sky, a large figure emerged from the cave.

“It’s him!” whispered Kanoa. “You can tell by the size — and the smell.”

Kanoa was correct. The Beachman was huge and smelled like a barrel of mackerel. Stepping to the edge of his cave, the hairless giant leaped into the pounding surf and submerged.

“He has amazing lung capacity,” Kanoa said. “He can hold his breath for 15 minutes!”

Sure enough, just over 10 minutes later he broke the surface with a giant eel in one big hand. He dragged it to shore not far from where I had first met Kanoa. There, he tied it in a knot to kill it.

“He likes that fish the best, better than mantas and sharks,” Kanoa said. “You will hear him moan with delight as he feasts.”

Crouched on his hind legs and looking around to make sure no one was watching, the creature took huge bites from the 10-foot-long sea snake. As Kanoa had predicted, he groaned contentedly while he ate.

“WE DARE NOT GET TOO CLOSE… HE THROWS BOULDERS TO SINK SHIPS. THEN HE MESSES UP THE INTRUDERS AND THROWS THEM BACK IN!”

A SOLITARY LIFE

When the Beachman was finished, he cleaned up after himself, tossing the skeletal remains back in the sea. He took a brief walk along the shore before swimming back to his cave. The rising tide came in and washed away all traces of his footprints.

“His is a lonely life,” Kanoa said. “But then, whose isn’t? At least he has beachfront property.”

It was a brief but unforgettable encounter, Weekly World News will keep an eye on this strange, one-of-a-kind creature and bring you word of any new developments.

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Empire News – Jeffrey Epstein Spotted Alive and Well in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

PUERTO VALLARTA, Mexico

Jeffrey Epstein, the man once thought capable of bringing down multiple governments with insider information about his immense pedophila ring and sex island, was reportedly seen alive in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico early this morning. A tourist visiting the area from Atlanta said they recognized him immediately.

“I was kind of shook, it was like seeing a ghost,” said the tourist, who wished to remain anonymous. “His murder – er, I mean, his suicide – was pretty much the biggest story of 2019 before it got swept away by the media. I’ve seen the guy’s face so many times on the news and on social media in memes, there’s no way I was mistaken.”

Another reported sighting of Epstein came only 3 hours later, and police were notified.

“Honestly, you’d think after they faked his death, he’d go somewhere a little more remote than a resort in Mexico,” said Carl Richards, who is vacationing in the area while going through a bitter divorce. “I came down here to relax and stop thinking about my bitch ex-wife, but now I think it’s time to go. If Epstein is here, and this news is breaking out, it won’t be long before the place is overrun with paparazzi.”

A single photo was taken by the anonymous person who first viewed Epstein as he exited a Puerto Vallarta hotel.

“I wanted to get closer, but I didn’t want to spook him,” said the source. “The picture is horrible, but I ended up walking right past him. It’s definitely Epstein.”

FIVE WAYS TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM LEPRECHAUN SHENANIGANS ON ST. PATRICK’S DAY!

Oh, St. Patrick’s Day is quickly approaching, and with it the love for all things Irish. Green beer, shepherd’s pie, Lucky Charms, four-leaf clovers, Leprechauns, and wishes!

But if you’re one of those people who think that you’re going to go out there and just nab one of these Leprechauns and all of your hopes and dreams are going to come true,  think again!

Over the years, there have been far fewer Leprechauns in Ireland. Not because they’re dying out, it’s because the Irish have gotten wise to their game.

For example, an Irish gentleman named Paddy McGurney caught a Leprechaun in 1845. Paddy, sick of a potato-based diet, wished that he wouldn’t have to eat potatoes all of the time. Sounds good? No, what followed was the Irish Potato Famine. No matter what you wish for, these spiteful little buggers turn it against you somehow.

So, the wee folk have decided to relocate to America and other parts of the world to continue their little scheme.

They can be fun to spot and a bit of an adventure to get but don’t let them or any other wish givers fool you. They will attempt to trick you every time. Believe me, they didn’t make all of those Leprechaun horror movies because they simply ran out of ideas. They made them because the truth is Leprechauns are devious, vengeful little creatures!

So, what do you do?

1. LAWYERS

Before you even attempt to find a Leprechaun you better start by finding a good lawyer first!  There are many law firms out there that already have pre-written contracts to protect you in case you should happen to acquire a Leprechaun (or genie or other wish givers.)

Now the law firms don’t go out of their way to advertise this service out of fear of retaliation by the Wish Giving Community. But if you go in, state your intended purpose and don’t resemble a Genie or Leprechaun, most of these firms will be more than happy to work with you in exchange for a few gold pieces.

So, here is some helpful advice if you’re out and about on St. Patrick’s day, looking for a rainbow, pot o’ gold or Leprechaun. 

2. USING ALCOHOL

You got your contract in hand, maybe even a lawyer in your party. What next?  Don’t make the mistake of being drunk! A lot of people celebrate the day by drinking green beer but don’t make that mistake. If you do, a Leprechaun could literally talk you into anything. Even sex! If that happens, you will NEVER live that down. Believe me on this.

Instead, let bottles of beer set out so that Leprechauns drink it! They’re easier to catch when they let their guard down. There’s even a story about a Leprechaun being caught from behind while taking a lengthy beer pee. If you try this method, you may want to wear some sort of rain gear.

3. CAMOUFLAGE

Showering that morning with Irish Spring soap and having Lucky Charms for breakfast will help you maintain a low profile while you’re out on your search!

The wearing of the green may be helpful in your search. Your lawyer should also dress in a similar manner. Don’t let them wear a business suit, you don’t want your personal lawyer to scare the Leprechauns away. They are not stupid! Also, the green outfits can provide good camouflage while searching within a deep forest.

4. GOOD LUCK TALISMAN

Each member of your party may also want to have a four-leaf clover, for good luck. You may want to start looking for these the day before because they can sometimes be hard to find. Also. Don’t put two regular clovers together to try to fake it, that doesn’t work.

5. HAVE FUN

Lastly, have fun! Leprechaun hunting is supposed to be a fun pastime and a traditional way to spend the holiday. Some people have taken to recording their Leprechaun catching adventures on their cell phones to upload or even live stream to YouTube. Great idea!  It also provides visual evidence in case the Wee Wish Giver tries anything with you.

If these tips help you nab a pot of gold and you want to share some of it, feel free to contact us at Weekly World News. Please do not send us any captured Leprechauns as we do not have the facilities to deal with that.

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EVERYTHING GETS A SNYDER CUT!

DISSATISFIED WITH ANY PART OF YOUR LIFE OR WORLD? JUST SUPER-SIZE IT!

The largely positive reception of Zack Snyder’s director’s cut of Justice League, which reverses many of the edits of Joss Wheedon’s version and furnishes fans with a four-hour restored epic, has spurred Snyder to apply the same philosophy to other works and artifacts.

“I had a vision,” said Snyder. “I had to exit the film for personal reasons. Joss Wheedon came in and changed it. His version was not well-received, and while I bear him specifically no ill-will, I did feel that the original deserved to be seen.” He paused. “Oh: that’s been explained? I just wanted to be comprehensive.”

Snyder, again, has since been motivated to apply the same philosophy to other works and artifacts.

“I had a vision,” said Snyder. “Oh, we’ve done that already? Leave it in. Part of my vision. After I restored Justice League by expanding another man’s inferior interpretation, I cast around for other things to restore and expand. I had an article I was writing for a magazine about Justice League. It was originally five thousand words. The editor brought it down to two thousand. But now? Twelve thousand. That article: The Snyder Cut!”

He held up a sheaf of papers and shook them.

“Then I had a cup of coffee. It was, I don’t know, nine ounces?” He shouted at an off-camera assistant. “Ten ounces. Someone poured it for me. That’s how Hollywood goes sometimes. But that isn’t so much, is it? I restored it. My new cup of coffee is forty gallons.” He shouted again at an off-camera assistant, who dragged a garbage can into frame. That cup of coffee: The Snyder Cut!“

MADNESS?

Snyder went on. He held up a thirty-foot long pair of socks. “My socks: The Snyder Cut.” He held up a ten-foot-tall apple. “An apple: The Snyder Cut.” He ran into the bathroom and flushed the toilet. “This thing will flush continuously for fourteen months. This toilet flushing: The Snyder Cut.”

The reporter, growing uncomfortable, didn’t know what to say. “Hey,” Snyder shouted. “Awkward Pause: The Snyder Cut!” The reporter tried to get a word in edgewise. “Word in Edgewise,” Snyder shrieked, “the Snyder Cut.”

The assistant who had dragged in the tub of coffee appeared once again in frame and spoke directly to the reporter. “Howie here,” he said. “I’m Mr. Snyder’s assistant. I think he’s going to need to take a short nap.”

“A long short nap,” said Snyder. “The Snyder Cut. Uncontrollable laughter: The Snyder Cut! James and the Giant Peach: The Snyder Cut! Leviticus 15:2: The Snyder Cut!”

Howie and Snyder began to tussle, with Howie eventually pulling Snyder’s sweater up over his head and then shoving him into the side of the giant coffee tub, which spilled slightly. “Ow,” Snyder said. “Discomfort: The Snyder Cut! The! The Snyder Cut! Snyder! The Snyder Cut!” He dipped a finger into the coffee. “It’s very hot but could be hotter. Heat: The Snyder Cut!”

Howie reached for the telephone and dialed. “It’s happening again,” he said into the phone. “Yes, during an interview again. It should wear off in nine hours or so. I’ll call you back.” He hung up the phone and fell to the couch, sapped of all strength. 

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