Finding a gift dad will like is hard. Finding a gift he likes that doesn’t remind him that mom is dead is harder. Whether it’s his birthday, Christmas, Hanukkah, Father’s Day, or just to show you care, here are safe gift ideas that won’t make the man, who you’ve never seen cry, break down into an inconsolable puddle of tears.
1. Ten, 100 Grand Chocolate Bars. Every dad wants more money! The pressure to be the financial caretaker is real. Throw ten 100 Grand chocolate bars in a bag and tell him, “Here’s a million dollars!” What? Your mom used to give him that joke gift? And he hated it? Really? Hmmm, you might think it’s funny that just when he thinks he’s safe from ever getting that annoying gift again, you surprise him with it, but it will ultimately remind him of your mom. So please don’t do it, no matter how funny you think you are! I’m serious. Learn some sensitivity, you animal!
2. World’s Best Dad Mug. Classic and most traditional go-to. Right? No? Oh, your mom had a huge mug collection, you say? Don’t worry. We still have more to go. One of them will surely work.
3. Jerry Seinfeld’s New Book. This is the perfect gift. It is 100% composed of material written after your mom’s death, so nothing in it will remind him of her. What? You got that already, and the book jacket features an old quote from Jack Benny? Damn it! That’s every mom’s favorite comedian. Why did you get that and make him cry?! You monster!
4. Amazon Fire Tablet. He loves shiny gadgets and tapping screen buttons. If this is his first computer tablet, there is no way this could remind him of your mom. Oh, crap. You got him that and then realized too late Alexa is the name of your cousin twice removed on your mom’s side of the family? OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SO BAD AT THIS!
5. Luffa Back Scrubber. Men need a little luxurious self-care bath time, and there is no way a luffa can remind someone of their wife. Wait, what did you just say? You also already got him this, and the shape of the luffa pouf reminds him of your mom’s diehard bouffant helmet hairstyle?! GOD DAMN IT!
6. A Pen Set. Okay, this one is safe and so simple. Everyone has pens. It’s so generic no one has an emotional attachment to it. There is no way you can connect a pen to your mom. And your dad handles the finances. He needs the treat to make paying bills fun. What? Your mom died because she dropped a pen while driving?! Why didn’t you mention this BEFORE I started my research?! Seriously, do you have any awareness of other people?!
7. Golf Clu-WHAT? When your mom bent over to pick up the pen set, she crashed into a golf course?! Which you also failed to mention! DEAR GOD, YOU ARE TWO SECONDS AWAY FROM DRIVING ME TO THROW MYSELF OUT THIS WINDOW!
8. Authentic 18th Century Bagpipes. YES! This is something so random and specific there is no way this won’t work! Let’s see you TRY to make a connection to mom with this. WHAT?! The golf course your mom drove into was the historical St. Andrews Golf Course in Scotland, and she hit a pipe band performing songs made famous by Michael Bublé?! DAMN F$%@$ S$!T B$!!S! Well, there goes my next idea to give him the Michael Bublé box set.