Tagged: Business

Empire News – Parent Company of Corona Beer Sues China Over Bad Press During Their Coronavirus Scare

MEXICO CITY, Mexico – 

Anheuser-Busch InBev, the parent company of Corona brands of beer, has announced they are filing suit against the Chinese government, after the massive Coronavirus scare in that country has caused a mass panic and multiple deaths. AB InBev claims that the bad press of deaths, mixed with the satiric natures of internet memes connecting “coronavirus” with Corona beers has caused them a loss of tens of millions of dollars.

“Anheuser-Busch InBev feels that the Chinese government is solely responsible for putting the bad taste in people’s mouths regarding the name Corona,” said AB InBev spokesman Rick Barker. “The lack of their medical care, the lack of their preparation, has lead to a massive outbreak of the Coronavirus in China, and as such, has lead to a massive souring of our brand here in the United States.”

The lawsuit, which claims nearly $200 million in damages, was filed in a superior court in Beijing, and names several specific government officials and medical personnel.

“While Corona beer has never been particularly popular in the United States with anyone, outside of those who hate the taste of good beer so prefer swill that you have to add fruit to in order to drink it, but that’s not the point,” said Barker. “We are already feeling the pinch of this Coronavirus, and sales figures are dwindling daily. It’s only a matter of time before the connection becomes a total mixture of truth and reality, and people stop drinking Coronas all together because they think they’ll get sick from it. They will, but that’s because it’s garbage beer, not because it’s got any virus in it.”

Mechanics Suddenly Charging $1400 For All Car Repairs

In an unexplainable move, mechanics are now charging $1400 for all car repairs. Auto repair shops all around the country are claiming the new price hike has nothing to do with the stimulus checks coming in.

A local mechanic said the following: “I’m aware of our new price hiking matching the amount of the latest stimulus checks. I can assure you that our change has nothing to do with the Biden Bucks coming in.”

The mechanic continued: “The only reason we raised our rate is because most auto repair shops are in need of pool tables, 4k televisions, and toaster ovens. We are a struggling industry, and these upgrades would improve quality all around the industry.”

Is the new $1400 price hike justifiable by mechanics? Let us now in the comments.

 

Caps Lock News Will Now Require A Justifiable $1400 Payment

A $1400 payment will now be required to view our website, Facebook page, twitter profile, and Instagram account. Our OnlyFans will stay at the same pricing model.

Sure, Caps Lock News used to be free, but our accountant said we need to bring in more revenue. That’s why our content will have a one time payment of $1400. This has nothing to do with the stimulus checks that Joe Biden is sending out with the covid-19 relief bill.

The $1400 payment will get you a lifetime subscription to our content. Sure, our content mostly sucks, but once in a blue moon we a get piece of content out there. That’s worth more than $1400 if you ask me.

If you’re unable to cough up $1400 due to “family”, “unemployment”, “food because you’re starving”, or whatever stupid reason, then a social media follow will suffice. Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. That will get you locked in.