Stupid ads and church bulletins

 

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

 

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

 

Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

 

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

 

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

 

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

 

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

 

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

 

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

 

For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

 

Great Dames for sale.

 

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

 

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

 

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

 

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

 

If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

 

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

 

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

 

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

 

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

 

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

 

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

 

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

 

Man, honest. Will take anything.

 

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

 

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

 

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

 

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

 

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

 

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

 

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

 

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

 

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

 

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

 

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

 

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

 

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

 

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

 

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

 

And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

 

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

 

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

 

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

 

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

 

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

 

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

 

Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help.

 

Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

 

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

 

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

 

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

 

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

 

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.

 

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his study.

 

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.

 

The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

 

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.

 

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

 

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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