Stuff You Can Sell for $5

Dumpster

Hello, my name is Jeron and I am a naked dumpster diver. I do it naked for agility, of course. I resell trash and services at low costs. Everything under $5. What can I say? People are desperate to spend money on something, even if it’s nothing.

I have been a professional garbage reseller for ten years. In that time, I gathered data on fast-selling trash and compiled a list of the top five items.

If you’re looking to sell trash fast, this list is the covenant to success. 

1. Broken Phone Charger

This phone charger is an instant bestseller, guaranteed. Not only is it ripped to shreds, but legally I cannot call it a cable; it is a static medieval rope. Don’t hold it for long or it’ll give you an instant rash (or if you have a rash fetish, remember: moderation is key). The original phone for this charger is a 1997 Nokia 6110, though I’m sure it’s applicable to any smartphone today, if your goal is ultimate self-destruction. Customers can use it for obsessive hoarding, a leash for a hated dog, or expert-level mosquito self-defense. Other functions include, but are not limited to, low-budget baton twirling, frequent yet unexpected electrocution, and zip-lining that ends in death.

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2. Half a Book

Do you like the exposition and hints of a mystery novel but hate closure? Do you enjoy reading only the good parts of history, like most white men? Get half a book! A car manual for an unlicensed driver, a cooking book for the lazy chef, or even a Bible, the history book for half-ass Christians. Teachers will go bonkers for these shredded math books because it’ll help us maintain that 30th worldwide ranking in math education.

 3. Bowl of Shit

Due to growing up poor, I was never able to go to business school where they taught the famous “sell me this pen” exercise. The only exercise I was able to do was “sell me this bowl of shit.” Because of my unique upbringing, it is possible that I am the best bowl of shit seller in the entire world. If I can do it, anyone can do-do it! A bowl of shit for $5 is a steal – those usually sell for $8 if you’re close to an Arby’s. Similar to a $5 footlong or a $5 pizza, a $5 bowl of shit will get you some shit before you shit.

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 4. Used Battery Just for the Taste

Are you hungry but don’t want to eat anything? Grab an old battery! This poorly aged, white mold crisis battery has just enough juice to make you puke. If you hate fruits and love the lingering acid taste of a four-year-old battery, is for you. Even with soap and water, thirty-two gallons of Listerine, or sixty Tide Pods in your mouth, the bitterness never goes away. Oh boy, what a joy! Customers can also replace energy drinks with batteries for an instant rush of power. Instead of drinking water and sugar in a green can, you can simply taste pure energy as soon as you make contact. There is nothing better for a stressful day at the office. Take a battery with you – it might just save your life. 

 5. One-Star Uber Driver

If you hate taxis and buses, then you’ll definitely hate this Uber. Public transportation has never been cheaper, slower, or smellier. When you sit in your one-star Uber ride, prepare yourself for a 1989 Chevy Silverado instead of the advertised 2020 Tesla. No AC, wet carpeting, and a functioning door (maybe). The driver looks aggressively ex-military and says no words, nor gives even a look. The car will have last month’s expired milk for refreshments, moist gum under the seats for those who need herpes or a snack, and a second passenger who just bought his first bowl of shit. Enjoy your ride! You really do get what you pay for.

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Thank you for reading this article until the end. I hope you make tens. That’ll be $5.

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