Star Trek meets Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
“Captain, Borg ship approaching! At…. at… warp 13.6!
but that’s impossible sir!” Wesley reported.
Riker pressed a button on the console and said, “You had it set
for the old warp settings!”
“Oh. It’s coming at us at warp 9.95” Wesley corrected.
“On screen.” Picard ordered.
The Borg ship loomed closer to the Enterprise on the screen.
The bridge crew stared at it, and Picard ordered, “Open a hailing
“They won’t have much to say.” Worf commented while he opened the
“I know, but it’s a critical part of the story.” Picard explained.
On the screen a large, bloated green alien appeared, and struck
terror into the Enterprise’s crew with these words.
“I am Prosentic Vogon Geltz of Borg. Resistance is Useless!
You will be asimiliated.”
Then, the Vogon added these words:
“But first, I would like to read you some of my poetry.”
Then they were REALLY scared.
Picard ordered, “Data, what do we know about Vogon poetry?”
Data responded, “Vogon poetry is the third worst poetry in the known
universe, Captain. It is used as punishment on many planets for the
criminals whose crimes are so severe that ordinary torture will
not suffice. The integrity of the ship will not last long.”
Picard grimaced, and then barked out “Emergency plan Omega!”
The crew looked at him in shock. They didn’t know what Omega was,
but Omicron was bad enough itself, Omega had to be REALLY nasty.
They re-assembled in Engineering. Picard said “The Borg adapt
to each weapon we use. Therefore, they must be destroyed in
one shot, so they will not be able to adapt.”
Data asked “Sir, which weapon will you be using? We have several
designs for planet-cracker weapons, a few nova bombs, a couple
Genesis devices, and assorted subspace mines to create subspace
Picard cleared his throat and announced “No, those will not
suffice. They are far to innocuous and weak for our purposes.
We must use THE ultimate weapon. I think we all know what that
His crew turned a shade of pale even lighter than Data,
and fell to their knees begging him to reconsider.
Data merely asked to use various genetic weapons. “I would like to
see what they do to real living tissue. I can’t wait to find out…
I mean cannot wait…” he said nervously as a his face began to
twitch with a nervous tick.
Picard steped to the cosole. “Emergency plan Omega. Authorization
Picard Omega Three.”
Riker went to the other console and said “Riker concurrs.
Authorization Riker Omega Four.”
The computer responded with “You really ought to get tougher
passwords. I am forced to give you the following briefing
before allowing access to Omega. The unauthorized use of Omega
has recently been made an offense punishable by the death penalty.
Press one if you understand, and accept the risks, or press the
Riker and Picard both pressed the ‘1’ key at once. Worf and
his entire security staff pointed phasers, phaser canons
and other weapons at Riker and Picard. Worf himself held his
batlheth at Picard’s back. “Sorry Sir. Regualtions. Part of
the Omega plan.”
Picard responded “Quite all right, Mr. Worf. I wrote plan
“Mr. LaForge, make it so.” Picard ordered. Geordi opened the
seals on the amin engines, and held his finger on a deadman
switch, that would blow the engines if he slipped even slightly.
Had he known what Picard was going to use, he would have released
the switch immediately.
Picard opened communications himself. The Vogon/Borg said
“First the poetry, then the assimilation. Resistance, is,
as always, Useless. Oh freggled gruntbuggly, thy micturations
are to me as wurdles on a lurgid be. Groop, I implore thee, they
The ship lurched. Data reported “The ship will not withstand an
assault like this very long! It’s time to use Omega!… It is,
I mean” as he tried to cover his nervous tick.
Picard steeled himself, and took Omega out of a case of duranium
6 feet thick. Omega was a PADD. Or at least on a PADD:
He braced himself, and began to read: “Felis Catus, is that
not your nomenclature?….”
The first line shook the Borg ship, the next one destroyed it.
Data reported “The Borg ship went boom…. just trying out idioms.”
Riker sighed and said “But at what cost?”
Data responded “Destroying the ship, or my idioms?”
“Both, actually.” Riker said thoughtfully.
Worf approached, wearing thick protective gloves, placed
Omega in the vault, sealed it, and said to Picard, “I will have
to arrest you now. Sorry about that.” With that, he escorted
Picard to a cell.
“Captain’s Log: StarDate 976-ENT-D
The Enterprise is safe, although several of the crew actually
heard Omega, and will require years of therapy. I am awaiting
trial on DS9. It was set for StarBase 14, but they thought it
would make a good crossover. I suspect that I will be let off
easy. 6 months in a Cardassian torture camp. I can live with
that. Those poor Borg, who not only had to hear Omega, but
had to live with daily Vogon poetry… At least their misery is