Short Jokes and Dumb Quotes

Short jokes and quotes that are so dumb, they are actually funny

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this’.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies? Snowballs

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? — A gummy bear!

I once farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.

Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months? — The box said 2-4 years!

If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

What’s the difference between a smart man and a stupid man? Nothing. They both think they know everything.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? — She didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills!

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?

Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.

Doctor: You’re overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You’re also ugly.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?

Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too.

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? — Damn

How did the blonde die while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict!

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? — The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

For anyone who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember that’s where the knives are kept.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

What happens when you get scared half to death twice?

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? — His lips are moving.

Why can’t an idiot dial 911? — He can’t find the 11 on the phone!

What do you call a blonde with a brain? A golden retriever.

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? — He had no body to go with him!

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