Listen, I’ve eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for twelve years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won’t affect the only part of my job that I like.

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I’m worried what you just heard was, “Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.” What I said was, “Give me all the bacon and eggs you have”. Do you understand?

Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.

Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.

My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe…when he desires them.

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.

I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.

Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

[On bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.

I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here’s April and Andy’s: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait…wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?

When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.

There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.

‘ve been quite open about this around the office: I don’t want this parks department to build any parks because I don’t believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.

The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.

Leslie: “Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?”
Ron: “People are idiots, Leslie.”

The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

When I eat, it is the food that is scared.

My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton’s Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.

Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car?

Turkey can never beat cow.

It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.

There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.

Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.

Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.

Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

There is only one bad word: taxes.

History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.

Cultivating a manly musk puts opponent on notice.

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.

Child labor laws are ruining this country.

Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.

The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.

There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.

Shorts over six inches are capri pants, shorts under six inches are European.

Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?
Ron: One.
Ann: That’s it? One drink?
Ron: One shelf.
Ann: Do you exercise?
Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.
Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family?
Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga.
Friends: one to three is sufficient.

Breakfast food can serve many purposes.
Honor: if you need it defined, you don’t have it.

One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.

Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.