Hear, I’ve eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch day by day for twelve years. I simply needed to ensure this pointless well being campaign will not have an effect on the one a part of my job that I like.
Just give me all the bacon and eggs you may have. Wait, wait. I am fearful what you simply heard was, “Give me numerous bacon and eggs.” What I stated was, “Give me all of the bacon and eggs you may have”. Do you perceive?
Clear alcohols are for wealthy ladies on diets.
Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.
I name this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Additionally, whiskey and a cigar. I’m going to eat all of this on the similar time as a result of I’m a free American.
My idea of a perfect government is one man who sits in a small room at a desk, and the one factor he is allowed to resolve is who to nuke. The person is chosen primarily based on some type of IQ check, and perhaps additionally a bodily match, like a decathlon. And girls are delivered to him, perhaps…when he wishes them.
Below my tutelage, you’ll develop from boys to males. From males into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.
I’m a easy man. I like fairly, dark-haired ladies, and breakfast meals.
By no means half-ass two issues. Entire-ass one factor.
[On bowling] Straight down the center. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Something extra and this turns into determine skating.
I don’t wish to paint with a broad brush right here, however each single contractor on the planet is a depressing, incompetent thief.
Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, besides I nonetheless get to kill one thing.
No house is full and not using a correct toolbox. Right here’s April and Andy’s: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that claims Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight stuffed with jellybeans.
Simply give me all of the bacon and eggs you may have. Wait…wait. I fear what you simply heard was: Give me numerous bacon and eggs. What I stated was: Give me all of the bacon and eggs you may have. Do you perceive?
When folks get somewhat too chummy with me I wish to name them by the improper title to allow them to know I don’t actually care about them.
There’s just one factor I hate greater than mendacity: skim milk. Which is water that’s mendacity about being milk.
‘ve been fairly open about this across the workplace: I do not need this parks division to construct any parks as a result of I do not consider in authorities. I feel that every one authorities is a waste of taxpayer cash. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run solely for revenue by firms, like Chuck E. Cheese. They’ve an impeccable enterprise mannequin. I might reasonably work for Chuck E. Cheese.
The federal government is a grasping piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat till they’ve sore, chapped nipples.
Leslie: “Why would anyone ever eat something in addition to breakfast meals?”
Ron: “Individuals are idiots, Leslie.”
The much less I find out about different folks’s affairs, the happier I’m. I’m not taken with caring about folks. I as soon as labored with a man for 3 years and by no means discovered his title. Greatest good friend I ever had. We nonetheless by no means speak typically.
After I eat, it’s the meals that’s scared.
My solely official suggestions are US Military-issued mustache trimmers, Morton’s Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.
Are you going to inform a person that he can’t fart in his personal automotive?
Turkey can by no means beat cow.
It’s all the time a good suggestion to reveal to your coworkers that you’re able to withstanding an amazing quantity of ache.
There are three acceptable haircuts: excessive and tight, crew lower, buzz lower.
Capitalism: God’s approach of figuring out who is sensible and who’s poor.
Any canine underneath fifty kilos is a cat and cats are ineffective.
Fish, for sport solely, not for meat. Fish meat is virtually a vegetable.
There is just one unhealthy phrase: taxes.
Historical past started July 4th, 1776. Something earlier than that was a mistake.
Cultivating a manly musk places opponent on discover.
Give a person a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t educate a person to fish…and feed your self. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that tough.
Youngster labor legal guidelines are ruining this nation.
Nice job, everybody. The reception will probably be held in every of our particular person homes, alone.
America: The one nation that issues. If you wish to expertise different ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.
The important thing to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax after which toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a protected distance. Don’t stand too shut if you mild an ex-wife effigy.
There are solely 3 ways to encourage folks: cash, worry, and starvation.
Shorts over six inches are capri pants, shorts underneath six inches are European.
Ann: What number of drinks of alcohol do you eat per week?
Ann: That’s it? One drink?
Ron: One shelf.
Ann: Do you train?
Ron: Sure. Lovemaking and woodworking.
Ann: Do you may have any historical past of psychological sickness in your loved ones?
Ron: I’ve an uncle who does yoga.
Associates: one to 3 is adequate.
Breakfast meals can serve many functions.
Honor: when you want it outlined, you don’t have it.
One rage each three months is permitted. Attempt to not harm anybody who doesn’t deserve it.
Strippers do nothing for me…however I’ll take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.