The Office – Funniest Lines and Quotes
We present our “The Office” favorite quotes from the past nine seasons.
The Office is an American television comedy series that aired on NBC from March 24, 2005 to May 16, 2013.
Dwight: OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.
Pam: OK, I like your food.
Dwight: Outback steakhouse. [Australian accent] I’m Australian, mate!
Michael: Pam, come on. “I like your food.” Come on stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let’s do it. Let’s get ugly. Let’s get real.
Pam: OK. If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight: Oh, man, am I a woman?
Sasha: [to Phyllis] Are you Mother Goose?
Dwight: You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy?
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
Jim: Wait. What are you writing? Don’t write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? ‘Cause I’m suffering from both.
Pam: I’m inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, let’s say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That’s spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Jim: Thank you.
Stanley: Why’d you do this?
Dwight: I didn’t do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for… maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What’s the scuttlebutt?Dwight: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
Michael: OK, so, let’s put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley of course.
Stanley: I’m sorry?
Michael: Um, what do you play? Center?
Stanley: Why “of course”?
Stanley: What’s that supposed to mean?
Michael: Uh, I don’t know. I don’t remember saying that.
Jim: Uh, I heard it.
Michael: Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um… other starters… Me, of course. I heard it that time.
Michael: Hey, Pam, how would you, like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some, ah, pigtails? A little, ah, halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once?
Pam: I don’t think so Michael. Besides, I can’t cheer against my fiance.
Jim: I’ll do it. Wear a little flouncey skirt if you want, and…
Michael: Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.Michael: Do I have a special someone? Uh well, yeah of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick-up in a bar, and these people? I’d pick them every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand and I still know their names in the morning.
Andy: I’ll be the Number Two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I’m always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter that makes stairs.
Jan: You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.
Michael: No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party…
Jan: And you had a luau….
Michael: …it happens once every billion years.
Jan: And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money.
Michael: Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N.
Jan: Okay, well, I don’t understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn’t even make sense.
Michael: Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage.
Dwight: It has to be official, and it has to be urine.
Michael: Times have changed a little. And even though we’re still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can’t take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.
Pam: He said what?
Michael: Welkommen, Bienvenue, and welcome to Monte Carlo! Dwight. I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss.
Stanley: [Under his breath] Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?
Michael: Shut it, shut it, shut it. Will Lady Fortune be your mistress? Only time will tell, my friends. Leave all your preconceived notions about casinos at the door. Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all! Great, okay. Shuffle up and deal. Let’s get it started! Black-Eyed Crows.
Dwight: I have been Michael’s #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart, and I’m like Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you’re going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Michael: People are always coming to me. “Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust.” No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a… Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call… More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don’t, I don’t want to live like that. I like it here. I don’t want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott.
Dwight: [sings] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire!
Dwight: Cover your nose and mouth. Breathe through your nose.
Kelly: Let go of me!
Dwight: Breathe through your nose. Remove your stockings. Okay? They’ll melt right into your flesh! Stay below the smoke line. Let’s go! Clear out, stat! STAT MEANS NOW!
Dwight: [eyeing Jim’s costume] What is that?! What are you supposed to be?
Jim: I’m a three hole punch version of Jim. ‘Cause you can have me either way. Plain White Jim, or Three-hole Punch.
Phyllis: That’s great!
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Dwight: Yeah, well look… [pulls his hood over his head and pops up his light saber] What about me?
Phyllis: What are you? A monk?
Dwight: I am Sith Lord. [looks at Jim] Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me 129 dollars.
Angela: I know that patience and loyalty are good, and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair.
Pam: I just have a quick question.
Michael: I haven’t signed them, ok?
Pam: No, it’s not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I’m probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car?
Michael: Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can’t stop you from being mugged. He’s just not tough enough.
Pam: He’s a purple belt. That’s really high.
Jim: Um, well, we are all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight. Fight… Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, I’m coming, fight…
Michael: Guys, beef! It’s what’s for dinner! Who wants some man meat?
Dwight: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael: Well then my man meat, he shall have. There you go. Deliciousity.
Stanley: [Stanley’s fork breaks.] Of course.
Jim: A man sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn. [out of character] Uh… Ooh, Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface?
Oscar: Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet?
Dwight: Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage.
Ryan: I forget it, brutha.
Dwight: Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you’re disgusting, Dwigt. [out of character] Wait, who’s Dwigt?
Pam: It’s performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don’t really know what to expect.
Stanley: Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.
Stanley: Oh, yes. Let’s listen to it again. And this time, really listen to the pauses.
Michael: God, Stanley, that’s frickin’ brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? Sorry.
Stanley: Oh, no, that’s ok. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact.
Michael: No kidding.
Stanley: It’s all about my bonus.
Michael: There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it— And I am not going to tell them that I’ll be reading their e-mails.Stanley: I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like pretzel day.
Jim: It’s true. I’m having a party. I’ve got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine, and I didn’t invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party. And it’s nothing personal, I just think that if he were there, people wouldn’t be able to relax, and you know, have fun, and my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks that I’m making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real.
Liquor Store Clerk: It comes to $166.41.
Michael: All right, now, you’re the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?
Liquor Store Clerk: Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it.
Michael: Cool, cool. Box it up.
Captain Jack: All right! I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. Who’s it gonna be?
Captain Jack: Okay…
Dwight: Me! Me, me, me.
Captain Jack: Uh… usually it’s a woman.
Dwight: I’m stronger.
Jim: That’s… great. You know, to tell the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam, so…
Michael: Really? You’re kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan…
Jim: Yeah, I know.
Michael: Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute.
Jim: Yeah. She’s really funny, and she’s warm. And she’s just… well, anyway.
Michael: Well, if you like her so much, don’t give up.
Jim: She’s engaged.
Michael: BFD. Engaged ain’t married.
Michael: Never, ever, ever give up.
Jan: You know, it’s amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so obtuse about sexual orientation.
Michael: I watch the L Word. I watch, Queer as F***, so…
Jan: That’s not what it’s called.
Toby: OK, Michael, are you aware that you ousted Oscar today?
Michael: What? What does that even…
Jan: Coming out, is a significant moment for a gay person, and they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it.
Michael: Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade? It’s not like gay… shame festival.
Toby: All right, now Oscar’s feeling discriminated against by his co-workers, primarily Angela, and um, that’s your fault.
Michael: I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?
Michael: I don’t kn–
Jan: No, it’s not possible.
Michael: Anything’s possible.
Jan: You know, imagine… you were gay.
Michael: [laughs] Well, I’m not gay Jan, and you should know that better than anybody!
Michael: Pam… PAAAM!?
Pam: Oh, God.
Pam: [phone rings] What.
Michael: Come here please.
Pam: Tell me before I come there.
Michael: I want you to rub butter on my foot.
Michael: Pam, please? I have Country Crock.
Michael: Uh, ow. Ryan! … Ryaaaaan … RYYYYAN!
Michael: I’ve, uh, I’ve been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here… See we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beasley. Pam has been with us for… forever. Right, Pam?
Pam: Well. I don’t know.
Michael: If you think she’s cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. [growls]
Michael: Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?
Oscar: Mexican isn’t offensive.
Michael: Well, it has certain connotations.
Oscar: Like what?
Michael: Like… I don’t… I don’t know.
Oscar: What connotations, Michael? You meant something.
Michael: No. Now, remember that honesty…
Oscar: I’m just curious.
Michael: …empathy, respect…
Angela: I’m not gaining anything from this seminar. I’m a professional woman. The head of accounting. I’m in the healthiest relationship of my life. I just think it’s insulting that Jan thinks we need this. And, apparently, judging from her outfit, Jan aspires to be a whore.
Pam: Ok, well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like what it means, instead of what it is.
Dwight: You mean, like a ham?
Pam: No, not like a ham. It’s about doing something, so that the person knows that you really care about her.
Dwight: Ok, I get it.
Pam: That you remember her.
Dwight: Ok, shut up. I know exactly what to do. [gets up and leaves]
Michael: Hey, what about Angela? She’s hard and severe. She could be a gay woman.
Dwight: I really don’t think so.
Michael: I don’t know, I can imagine her with another woman, can’t you?
Dwight: [creepy smile]
Stanley: That little girl is a child! I don’t want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon, do you understand?!
Ryan: Yes, I–
Stanley: Boy have you lost your mind? ‘Cause I’ll help you find it! Whatcha lookin’ for, ain’t nobody gonna help you out there! Jesus could come through that door and he’s not gonna help you if you don’t stop sniffing after my child!
Ryan: Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.
Michael: Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And… I have a great one [types]. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
Toby: Who brought in donuts?
Michael: Somebody got donuts for my birthday!
Toby: Happy birthday!
Michael: You didn’t know it was my birthday.
Toby: I… guess I forgot.
Michael: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut [closes box].
Toby: Are you serious?
Michael: Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin… um, it’s pretty scary. And I’m thinking that uh, next time you’re in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it.
Jim: …It’s something to think about.
Michael: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We’re gonna…
Toby: Actually, I didn’t think it was appropriate to invite children since it’s… You know, there’s gambling and alcohol, and it’s in our dangerous warehouse and it’s a school night… And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not… that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn’t exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Michael: That’s a dog.
Pam: No, that’s Afghan.
Michael: That’s a shawl.
Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananies.
Michael: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.