My Life on Planet Earth: ALF’s Secret Diary

ALF Space Log Entry

684.1 2:45 P.M.

Los Angeles, Cal.

Earth Dear Space Log, As I make yet another entry in my journal, I look back through the mustard and gravy stains of my past entries and sincerely hope that these chronicles are not written in vain. It is my wish someday that they’ll fall into the right hands and I’ll get a huge advance for the publishing and movie rights. Hard to believe that it’s been more than two years since my spaceship landed on Earth. Although, technically, it wasn’t really a landing.

Landings are made right side up at less than Mach 2, and without teeth flying around the cabin. So let’s call it a “controlled crash” that just happened to demolish everything in it’s path. Which reminds me, I still haven’t heard from Mutual of Melmac about my insurance claim. I guess my insurance agent’s been pretty busy since the planet blew up. I can understand that, but mass devastation is no excuse for poor service. N

ever do business with your brother-in-law. Not that I had a choice or anything, but I consider myself pretty lucky having ended up on Earth. I could have done worse. I could have ended up on Weinberger, a pitless planet inhabited by mimes. It’s pathetic to watch an entire population pretend to be trapped inside a glass box. Anyway, Earth was a pretty lucky break. At first I thought the best thing about it was that it was in one piece, but once I got used to all the silly rules it was OK. It’s amazing how many things are exactly the oposite on Melmac. Like, do you remember my old pal Lippity Lepiner from the Cat-Snackers Club who was carted off to jail because he didn’t end a sentence with a preposition?

Well, he might still be in the slammer if he lived here, but for cat-snacking, not illiteracy. Go figure. Oh, and speaking of cats, dig this. You know how I hoped to land in the Persian Gulf, ’cause that’s where I thought cats were from? Not true… they’re everywhere, even here in California. That’s where I ended up, California, and that was pretty lucky too, because you know how I always wanted to be in show business? I’m in it. I’ve even got my own television show. Me and Geraldo, who would have figured? I’ll admit at first I was a little reluctant to get into TV. Especially when I saw what it did for Bruce Jenner’s Career. I needed a job and the offers weren’t exactly pouring in. It was a choice between starring in a sitcom or being Willard Scott’s stunt toupee.

The gamble paid off. Here I am, two years later with a hit television show, my own apartment, and a woman named Ramona who comes in twice a week to vacume me. I can’t complain. I also made a lot of new friends here, and most importantly, I’ve got fans. Fans who care about me. Fans who send me scratch-and-sniff photos of their pets. I really appreciate the attention and the kindness, and I truly believe that Earthlings are basically good. Sure, there are a few bad apples in the upholstery business, but that’s a given. As far as my future goes, who knows? I’d like to maybe be remembered as an ambassador from another planet who brought good will and thoughts. Maybe even a chuckle or two. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Earthlings, It’s that they take themselves too seriously.

I’m trying my best to set an example by living up to the old Melmacian proverb: “Eat, drink and lighten up, for tomorrow you might get audited.” I’d like to see this planet take that advice. Earth is a great place. Everyone here should know that. Maybe if they did, they’d take better care of it. I learned that lesson the hard way. You can really miss your planet once it’s gone. Till next time…. ALF

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