My Dream Date With Queen Amina of Zazzau


Queen Amina of Zazzau, now the province of Zaria in fashionable Nigeria, took a brand new lover in every city she conquered, then had the boys beheaded within the morning when she left.

Girl Warriors: An Sudden Historical past, Pamela D. Toler

It was locker room discuss, however not the unhealthy sort, the grab-them-by-the-you-know-what kind, it was extra like . . . data gathering.

“Hey, do any of you guys know the brand new chick on the town, ‘Queen’ Amina?” I mentioned, simply floating her title to see if anyone else had his eyes on her.

“Don’t know her,” got here one response.

“Not my kind,” mentioned one other.

“She’s all yours, brother,” mentioned a 3rd.

“Nice,” I mentioned, however nonetheless–I had a humorous feeling.  A putting girl like her, an precise Hausa Queen.  The place was her king?  Why hadn’t anyone else dated her?

You understand how it’s with some girls–they’re so lovely, all the blokes are afraid to method them.  After some time they get lonely, hoping that some non-threatening friendly-type like Alan Alda would simply come up and say the magic phrase:  “Hello.”

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Alan Alda: So delicate.

 

Nicely, if no one else was going to make the primary transfer–I might!

I obtained her quantity from the White Pages, within the “A’s” for “Amina,” not the “Q’s” for “Queen.”  She didn’t decide up, it was her lady-in-waiting who answered.

“Howdy?”

“Hello is, uh, Queen Aminah in?”

“Who this?”

Good query.  Who was I, a lowly commoner, to be calling her boss?  Nicely, as my mother at all times mentioned, a cat can take a look at a queen.

I gave her what are referred to in skilled circles as my “quals”–{qualifications}.  “Captain of my seventh grade faculty crossing guard, two-time Pettis County spelling bee champion, the one Boy Scout within the historical past of Camp Pa-He-Tsi to get an ideal rating on the Rowing Advantage Badge take a look at.”

“The written half, or the rowing half?”

She had seen–or heard–proper via me.  I’m not good at precise stuff in the true world, extra of a book-learnin’ form of man.  “The, uh, written half.”

“Okay, that’s good.  The Queen doesn’t like ‘road good’ males.”

“Then I’m the man for her!”

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Camp Pa-He-Tsi, Lake of the Ozarks MO:  Scene of my best tutorial triumph.

 

She put The Queen on, and we chatted amiably concerning the issues that women and men feign curiosity in once they’re sizing one another up.  “You already know, it’s humorous,” I mentioned at one level.

“Humorous unusual, or humorous ha-ha?”

“Humorous unusual.   You blow into city, wowing all the blokes, however you’re a lady of thriller, with out a historical past.”

“Are you a poet?” she requested, and I detected that she was prone to the surprisingly hypnotic energy of verse.

“I’m not solely a poet, I’m a skilled poet.”

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Amina and her retinue.

 

“How did you lose your novice standing?”

“The Christian Science Monitor as soon as paid me $40 for a poem.”

“Christian Scientists–are these the individuals who don’t get vaccinated?”

“Amongst others.  So anyway, would you wish to have a drink someday?”

There was a second’s hesitation at her finish of the road, lengthy sufficient for a gnat to bat an eyelash.

“That will be . . . all proper,” she mentioned.  I’d hooked her!

…………………………………………

We met that Thursday night time at Quincy Market, floor zero of the relationship scene in New England.  I arrived first, as is my wont–I’ll be early to my very own funeral.  She, then again, made a grand entrance, fashionably late with a retinue of servants bearing gold, silver, ivory, apes and peacocks, as if she had been King Solomon.  I used to be glad I had stopped on the ATM on my means over, this was one high-maintenance chick.

I had already began in on my gentle beer, however she didn’t stand on ceremony.  Good factor, since certainly one of her eunuchs had a scimitar lengthy sufficient to behead me from the place he stood means over past the little wood dish of Pepperidge Farm Pizza Flavored Goldfish on the bar.

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“So inform me a little bit bit about your self,” she mentioned as she sipped at her white wine spritzer.

“Nicely, I like cats, hate golf.”

“That’s a begin.  Any hobbies?”

“I gather grievances.  How about you?”

“Nicely, I assume you’d say journey.  Don’t like to remain in a single place too lengthy.”

“Hmm.  I’m extra of a homebody.”

“Why is that?”

“Unhealthy again from silly sports activities accidents.  It will get aggravated when I’ve to sit down too lengthy.”

She seemed me over with a calculating air.  “That’s okay I assume.”  She appeared to be warming as much as me.  “Okay, let’s get private.  Any nicknames?”

“I don’t know what folks name me behind my again, however my password normally consists of some variation on ‘Iceman.’”

“Is that since you’re chilly and unfeeling?”

“Sure, however I really labored as an iceman for 3 summers.  How about you?”

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“Ooo–I may simply eat you up!”

 

I seen that a number of guys in her entourage had been stifling giggles.  “Nicely, my girlfriends name me ‘The Praying Mantis.’”

“Huh.  That’s uncommon.  What’s the connection?”

“I actually do not know,” she mentioned with a self-effacing smile.  “I’m certain it’s not as a result of the feminine praying mantis bites the male’s head off after sex.  I might by no means try this!”

Oh boy–did we’ve a great snort at that one!  I used to be actually beginning to like her, she had such an amazing humorousness.

We every had a second drink, however I mentioned I’d had sufficient when she requested if I needed to get one other spherical.  I didn’t need her to suppose I used to be the kind of lounge lizard lush–and take a look at saying that 5 occasions quick–who hangs round bars till he’s so inexperienced he blends in with the ferns.

The waiter introduced the verify and I used to be fast to seize it.  There was no means I used to be going to let her pay it, even when she had the whole exchequer of Zazzau at her disposal.  “Let me maintain that,” I mentioned as I reached for my pockets.  “I at all times insist on going Dutch the primary date.”

“This ‘Dutch’–these are the previous colonists of Africa?”

“Sure.  They’ve a convention of splitting the invoice.  I would like it to be clear that I’ve completely no expectation of moving into mattress with you simply because I purchased you”–I seemed down on the verify–“$26 value of liquor.”

Her face clouded over, as if a sudden summer season storm had simply swept into city.  “Don’t fear,” she mentioned.  “No matter probability you’ll have had of creating like to me, you simply blew it.”

“What?  What did I say?” I protested as she obtained up and swept angrily out of the place, which wasn’t simple  because it was an outside café.

“Don’t take it so laborious,” certainly one of her eunuchs mentioned as he calculated her share of the 20% tip.  “So many guys go on one date along with her, and utterly lose their heads.”



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