Medical Terms for Unpleasant but Funny, Situations from the National Lampoon
F.L.K.: “Funny-looking Kid.” Usually a mongoloid.
F.L.P.: Parents of an F.L.K.
CRUMP, GORK, VEDGY: A patient requiring intensive care, incapable of
MARRIAGEABLE MONSTER: A young female patient who has successfully undergone
major plastic surgery.
GOMER: A senile, messy, or highly unpleasant patient.
FASCINOMA: A “fascinating” tumor; any interesting or amusing malignancy.
DROOLER: A catatonic patient.
CUT AND PASTE: To open a patient, discover that there is no hope, and
immediately sew him up. Well, almost immediately. Sometimes young
surgeons practice surgical techniques for a while first.
FOUR F-ER: A gallbladder patient. “Fat, forty-ish, flatulent female.”
PINKY CHEATER: Latex finger cover used in gynecological and proctological
ROAD MAP: Injuries incurred by going through a car windshield face first.
A HOLE-IN-ONE: A gunshot wound through the mouth or rectum.
THE “O” SIGN: The letter O as formed by a patient’s gaping mouth.
THE “Q” SIGN: A patient giving the O sign with his tongue hanging out.
THE DOTTED Q: The “Q” sign, with a fly on the tongue.
SIDEWALK SOUFFLE: A patient who has fallen from a building.
LOOSE CHANGE: A dangling limb in need of amputation.
BULL IN THE RING: A blocked large intestine.
GONE CAMPING: Reference to a patient in an oxygen tent.
EATING IN: Intravenous feeding.
BORDEAUX: Urine with blood in it.
SCRATCH AND SNIFF: A gynecological examination.
ANGEL LUST: A male cadaver with an erection.
HIT AND RUN: The act of operating quickly so as not to be late for another
CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Chairman of a pediatrics department.
ROOTERS: Indigents and hangers-on who gather in big-city emergency rooms in
order to be entertained by legitimate cases.
SHORT-ORDER-CHEFS: Morgue workers.
LOOP THE LOOP: Flamboyant surgical rearrangement of the intestines.
BUGS IN THE RUG: Pubic lice.
HEY DOCS: Alcoholics handcuffed to wheelchairs in big-city medical wards
who, at the sight of a white coat, bleat out in chorus, “Hey, Doc!”
BLOWN MIND: Gunshot wound to the head.
BOOGIE, GOOBER: A tumor.
THE DEEP FRY: Cobalt therapy.
ROASTED GOOBER: A tumor after intensive cobalt treatment.
HEALTHY GOOBER: A dead patient.
BURY THE HATCHET: Accidently leaving a surgical instrument inside a
BOTTLE RETURN: Removal of a bottle that is vacuum-jammed in the anal canal,
usually of a homosexual.
SILVER GOOSE, SILVER STALLION: Proctoscope.
GAS PASSER: Anesthesiologist.
CRISPY CRITTUR: A patient with severe burns.