Medical Terms for Unpleasant but Funny, Situations from the National Lampoon

National Lampoon
National Lampoon

F.L.K.: “Funny-looking Kid.” Usually a mongoloid.

F.L.P.: Parents of an F.L.K.

CRUMP, GORK, VEDGY: A patient requiring intensive care, incapable of
movement, and
CROCK: Hypochondriac.

MARRIAGEABLE MONSTER: A young female patient who has successfully undergone
major plastic surgery.

GOMER: A senile, messy, or highly unpleasant patient.

FASCINOMA: A “fascinating” tumor; any interesting or amusing malignancy.

DROOLER: A catatonic patient.

CUT AND PASTE: To open a patient, discover that there is no hope, and
immediately sew him up. Well, almost immediately. Sometimes young
surgeons practice surgical techniques for a while first.

FOUR F-ER: A gallbladder patient. “Fat, forty-ish, flatulent female.”

PINKY CHEATER: Latex finger cover used in gynecological and proctological
examinations.

ROAD MAP: Injuries incurred by going through a car windshield face first.

A HOLE-IN-ONE: A gunshot wound through the mouth or rectum.

THE “O” SIGN: The letter O as formed by a patient’s gaping mouth.

THE “Q” SIGN: A patient giving the O sign with his tongue hanging out.

THE DOTTED Q: The “Q” sign, with a fly on the tongue.

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SIDEWALK SOUFFLE: A patient who has fallen from a building.

LOOSE CHANGE: A dangling limb in need of amputation.

BULL IN THE RING: A blocked large intestine.

GONE CAMPING: Reference to a patient in an oxygen tent.

EATING IN: Intravenous feeding.

BORDEAUX: Urine with blood in it.

SCRATCH AND SNIFF: A gynecological examination.

ANGEL LUST: A male cadaver with an erection.

HIT AND RUN: The act of operating quickly so as not to be late for another
engagement.

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Chairman of a pediatrics department.

ROOTERS: Indigents and hangers-on who gather in big-city emergency rooms in
order to be entertained by legitimate cases.

SHORT-ORDER-CHEFS: Morgue workers.

LOOP THE LOOP: Flamboyant surgical rearrangement of the intestines.

BUGS IN THE RUG: Pubic lice.

HEY DOCS: Alcoholics handcuffed to wheelchairs in big-city medical wards
who, at the sight of a white coat, bleat out in chorus, “Hey, Doc!”

BLOWN MIND: Gunshot wound to the head.

BOOGIE, GOOBER: A tumor.

THE DEEP FRY: Cobalt therapy.

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ROASTED GOOBER: A tumor after intensive cobalt treatment.

HEALTHY GOOBER: A dead patient.

BURY THE HATCHET: Accidently leaving a surgical instrument inside a
patient.

BOTTLE RETURN: Removal of a bottle that is vacuum-jammed in the anal canal,
usually of a homosexual.

SILVER GOOSE, SILVER STALLION: Proctoscope.

SQUASH: Brain.

GAS PASSER: Anesthesiologist.

CRISPY CRITTUR: A patient with severe burns.