“I believe I’m, due to this fact I’m… I believe.”
– George Carlin
Individuals say that cash will not be the important thing to happiness, however I at all times figured when you have sufficient cash, you possibly can have a key made.
– Joan Rivers
“You already know you have got a ingesting drawback when the bartender is aware of your title… and also you’ve by no means been to that bar earlier than.”
– Zach Galifianakis
‘I don’t like nation music, however I don’t imply to denigrate those that do. And for the individuals who like nation music, denigrate means ‘put down’.
“Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is similar.”
“A transparent conscience is often the signal of a foul reminiscence.”
– Mark Twain
“How do you inform whenever you’re out of invisible ink?”
“Entropy Isn’t What It Used To Be”
Getting on a aircraft, I instructed the ticket girl, ‘Ship considered one of my baggage to New York, ship one to Los Angeles, and ship one to Miami.’ She stated, ‘We will’t try this!’ I instructed her, ‘You probably did it final week!’”
– Henny Youngman
A Freudian Slip Is When You Say One Factor however Imply Your Mom
– Gary Blake
If you happen to jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
I instructed the group final evening to fuck off, however then I felt dangerous, so I stated “All proper, fuck again on.”
If timber may scream, would we be so cavalier about slicing them down? We’d, in the event that they screamed on a regular basis, for no good motive.
– Jack Handey
Eternity is a really very long time, particularly in direction of the top.
A lady phoned me the opposite day and stated… ‘Come on over, there’s no one house.’ I went over. No person was house.“
Pricey algebra, cease asking us to search out your X. she’s by no means coming again
“You don’t know something about ache… You don’t know something about ache till you’ve seen your individual child drowned in a bath… And also you positively don’t know something about how you can wash a child.”
One time I noticed two geese combating and I believed, this can be a pillow combat, forward of time.
– Demetri Martin
There’s a motive it’s known as ‘girls gone wild’ and never ‘ladies gone wild’. When women go wild, they present their tits. When ladies go wild, they kill males and drown their youngsters in a bath.
“You may lead a horticulture, however you possibly can’t make her assume.”
– Dorothy Parker
“Fatherhood is nice as a result of you possibly can spoil somebody from scratch.”
“Help micro organism – they’re the one tradition some folks have.”
– Steven Wright
Okay, who stopped the fee on my actuality verify?
“A lie will get midway around the globe earlier than the reality has an opportunity to get its pants on.”
– Winston Churchill
“Garments make the person. Bare folks have little or no affect on society.”
– Mark Twain
Having intercourse is like taking part in bridge. If you happen to don’t have a great accomplice, you’d higher have a great hand.
“Individuals say pot-smokers are lazy. I disagree; I’m a multitasking pot-smoker: simply the opposite day I used to be strolling down the road, I used to be placing eyedrops in my eyes, I used to be speaking on my mobile phone, and I used to be getting hit by a automobile.”
– Doug Benson
“In case your sexual fantasies have been actually of curiosity to others, they’d now not be fantasies.”
– Fran Leibowitz
Christmas is a time when everyone needs his previous forgotten and his current remembered.
– Phyllis Diller
They are saying there are about 12 million unlawful immigrants on this nation, however in case you ask a local American, that quantity is extra like 300 million.