“I feel I’m, subsequently I’m… I feel.”
Folks say that cash shouldn’t be the important thing to happiness, however I all the time figured you probably have sufficient cash, you’ll be able to have a key made.
– Joan Rivers
“You recognize you might have a ingesting drawback when the bartender is aware of your identify… and also you’ve by no means been to that bar earlier than.”
– Zach Galifianakis
‘I don’t like nation music, however I don’t imply to denigrate those that do. And for the individuals who like nation music, denigrate means ‘put down’.
“Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is similar.”
– Oscar Wilde
“A transparent conscience is often the signal of a nasty reminiscence.”
– Mark Twain
“How do you inform while you’re out of invisible ink?”
“Entropy Isn’t What It Used To Be”
Getting on a plane, I advised the ticket girl, ‘Ship one in all my baggage to New York, ship one to Los Angeles, and ship one to Miami.’ She mentioned, ‘We will’t try this!’ I advised her, ‘You probably did it final week!’”
– Henny Youngman
A Freudian Slip Is When You Say One Factor however Imply Your Mom
– Gary Blake
For those who jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine. -rd.com
I advised the gang final night time to fuck off, however then I felt dangerous, so I mentioned “All proper, fuck again on.”
If timber might scream, would we be so cavalier about reducing them down? We would, in the event that they screamed on a regular basis, for no good cause.
– Jack Handey
Eternity is a really very long time, particularly in direction of the tip.
– Woody Allen
A woman phoned me the opposite day and mentioned… ‘Come on over, there’s no person residence.’ I went over. No person was residence.“
cease asking us to search out your X. she’s by no means coming again
“You don’t know something about ache… You don’t know something about ache till you’ve seen your individual child drowned in a bath… And also you undoubtedly don’t know something about the right way to wash a child.”
One time I noticed two geese preventing and I assumed, it is a pillow struggle, forward of time.
– Demetri Martin
There’s a cause it’s referred to as ‘ladies gone wild’ and never ‘ladies gone wild’. When ladies go wild, they present their tits. When ladies go wild, they kill males and drown their youngsters in a bath.
“You’ll be able to lead a horticulture, however you’ll be able to’t make her assume.”
– Dorothy Parker
“Fatherhood is nice as a result of you’ll be able to break somebody from scratch.”
– Jon Stewart
“Assist micro organism – they’re the one tradition some folks have.”
– Steven Wright
Okay, who stopped the payment on my actuality verify?
“A lie will get midway around the globe earlier than the reality has an opportunity to get its pants on.”
– Winston Churchill
“Garments make the person. Bare folks have little or no affect on society.”
– Mark Twain
Having intercourse is like taking part in bridge. For those who don’t have a very good accomplice, you’d higher have a very good hand.
“Folks say pot-smokers are lazy. I disagree; I’m a multitasking pot-smoker: simply the opposite day I used to be strolling down the road, I used to be placing eyedrops in my eyes, I used to be speaking on my cellphone, and I used to be getting hit by a automobile.”
– Doug Benson
“In case your sexual fantasies have been actually of curiosity to others, they might now not be fantasies.”
– Fran Leibowitz
Christmas is a time when everyone desires his previous forgotten and his current remembered.
– Phyllis Diller
They are saying there are about 12 million unlawful immigrants on this nation, however when you ask a local American, that quantity is extra like 300 million.
-David Letterman TC mark