I’m the Man, So I’m Manning My New WiFi-Enabled Traeger Pellet Grill

Grilling hamburgers

Come on over here by the grill with the guys. It’s in man’s nature to stand over a fire and cook the flesh of fallen beasts. Barbaric yet peaceful, you know?

Fuck yeah, it is!

Let me fire this bad boy up. First, I gotta make sure it has enough proprietary wood pellets. Just gotta open up the Traeger app. 

There’s enough to get her going. The patented pellet sensor will let me know if I need to add any mid-cook. Just have to dump them right here in this compartment. Then they’ll be fed into the heating compartment with an auger drive mechanism. Fuckin’ man stuff. Am I right?

Okay, let’s fire this puppy up! Just gotta press this button in the Traeger app. Traeger calls this WiFIRE® technology. Badass, right? There’s no fire in a technical sense. The proprietary pellets are ignited by a hot rod, and the heat is distributed throughout the grill with a convection fan.

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Annnd we’ve got convection, boys! You hear the fan? Now, I just gotta get this thing to the right temperature. This is where you separate the men from the boys. Boys let the grill get to whatever temperature it wants, and then just cook their meat at that temperature. But man didn’t harness fire so it could give us a dry, overcooked burger, you know? Let me show you how it’s done. Just gotta use this digital temperature gauge. Bam!

That’s how you tame a fire, fellas! Or a convection fan. I’m not exactly sure how it works.

Now for my favorite part – cracking open a cold one while it heats up. They say the best beer in the world is the one you drink while waiting for the grill to be ready. They’re goddamn right it is. I’m gonna chug this one because the Traeger heats up immediately.

Buurrrp! It’s ready. Just got the smartphone notification. 

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Okay, time to slap these patties on and get to work. My method is pretty simple. After one beer, the burgers are rare. After two, they’re medium. After three, they’re well done. Haha! That’s just a joke I heard once, so I had it printed on my apron. None of you mentioned it, so I just wanted to make sure you noticed. The women didn’t mention it either, but, you know, it’s grill humor. Man stuff.

But really, I just know when the burgers are done, usually without even looking at them. It’s almost like I intuit the precise moment when they’re perfectly cooked. Because these WiFIRE® thermometers I’m sticking in them send a notification to my Apple Watch.

And the burgers are on. Just listen to the fat sizzle when it falls through the grates. This never gets old, you know? Just sitting out here with the guys, drinking coldies, cooking meat, and talking about…

Ohhh, shit! They’re done! Look at my wrist. The grill master’s intuition, boys. Just a little buzz and I knew they were done. 

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Let me get ‘em off the grill and onto a plate.

Now look at those patties. True perfection. It’s the convection, I think.

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