How to be 100% Redneck? | Story

How to be 100% Redneck?

EXCLAMTIONS:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"Ahm fixin ta do that"

THREATS:

"I’ll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style."
"This’ll jar your preserves."
"Don’t you be makin’ me open a can o’ whoop-ass on ya!"

COMPLIMENTS:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."

THE WEATHER:

"It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

DESCRIPTIONS:
INSULTS:

"She’s uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma’s so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said ‘To be continued’."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead."
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." like: "She’s dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

MISC:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can’t thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain’t no count."
If something is hard to do, it’s "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his butt was catchin."

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign…………….What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria……………Back door to cafeteria.
Barium……………..What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section…….A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan…………….Searching for the cat.
Cauterize……….Made eye contact with her.
Colic……………A sheep dog.
Coma……………A punctuation mark.
D&C…………….Where Washington is.
Dilate………….To live longer than your kids do.
Enema………….Not a friend.
Fester…………Quicker than someone else.
Fibula…………A small lie.
G.I.Series………World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail………..What you hang your coat on.
Impotent………..Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain……….Getting hurt at work.
Morbid…………..A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates…………Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff…….A Doctor’s cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node………………..I knew it.
Outpatient…………..A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear…………….A fatherhood test.
Pelvis……………….Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative………..A letter carrier.
Recovery Room….Place to do upholstery.
Secretion…….Hiding something
Tablet……….A small table to change babies on.
Seizure……….Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness….Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor……………More than one.
Urine……………Opposite of mine.
Varicose…………Near by
Hospital…………The biggest building in town, other than Joe’s feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.

How to speak Southern

HEIDI – noun – Greeting
HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage – “Heidi, Hire yew?”

BARD – verb – Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage “My brother bard my pick-up truck.”

JAWJUH – noun – The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage – “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pick-up truck.”

BAMMER – noun – The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage – “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20 000 000 in improvements.”

MUNTS – noun – A calendar division.
Usage – “My brother from Jawjuh Bard my pick-up truck an’ I ain’t heard from him in munts.”

THANK – verb – Cognitive process.
BARE – noun – An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops and yeast.
Usage – “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT – adjective – Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage – “Them Bammer boys shore are ignert.”

RANCH – noun – A tool for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage – “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pick-up truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun – A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage – “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pick-up truck.”

FAR – noun – A conflagration.
Usage – “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pick-up truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR – noun – A rubber wheel.
Usage – “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pick-up truck.”

TIRE – noun – A tall monument.
Usage – “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris.”

RETARD – verb – To stop working.
Usage – “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT – noun, verb – A Usage -a battle or conflict; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage – “You younguns keep fat’n ‘n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh asses.”

RATS – noun – Entitled power or privilege.
Usage “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

CHEER – adverb – In this place.
Usage – Jus’ set that bare rat cheer.

FARN – adjective – Not domestic.
Usage – I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed, must be from some farn country.”

DID – adjective – Not alive.
Usage – “He’s did Jim.”

ARE – noun – A colourless, odorless gas. Oxygen.
Usage – “He cain’t breathe, give him some ARE!”

BOB WAR – noun – A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage – “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE – noun and verb, contraction.
Usage – “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with a bob wire fence cump’ny?”
HAZE – a contraction.
Usage – “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah, haze ingnert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n ‘is laf.”

SEED – verb – Past tense of “to see.”
VIEW – contraction, verb and pronoun.
Usage – “I ain’t never seed New York City .. view?”

GUBMINT – noun – A bureaucratic institution.
Usage – “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.”

You may also like...

Log In

Forgot password?

Forgot password?

Enter your account data and we will send you a link to reset your password.

Your password reset link appears to be invalid or expired.

Log in

Privacy Policy

Add to Collection

No Collections

Here you'll find all collections you've created before.