Hilarious Reasons For Breaking Up

This guy I was dating for a little while took me out on a date for our ~6th date that was legitimately what you do when you propose to someone. Like he set up a scavenger hunt in the woods behind his house that led to a setup of pillows, wine, grapes, a laptop playing a classic movie, lanterns, and candles.

Her vagina made sounds. Not occasionally—constantly. Like the horn section of a marching band.

He kissed his dad goodnight on the lips. (Honestly I didn’t break up with him bc of this. It was awhile ago. But if it happened now I would have.)

The last guy I slept with was overweight for his height (I know how to pick ‘em). The very last time we had sex, he was about to orgasm and just started screaming in pain “MY HEAD! OW! OMG” while still in me. He had this like super sudden migraine. I secretly rolled over and googled the situation and it was like “if you’re overweight and have high blood pressure…”

Ass liposuction that resulted in an ass as flat as a pancake with two areas that felt “empty” as if that’s where the “suction” had occurred. She was otherwise completely trim and thin. Very likely, the ass she’d had removed was spectacular.

His penis was incredibly small. But also, he was just an unattractive person who then, 1 month after dating me, married someone that looked eerily like me. So, I think it was a good idea all around.

Breaking Up

Breaking Up

This was more of a last straw in a bad relationship, but it was pretty superficial. We were going to see a movie and as we were walking in, I said “Oh I actually have a gift card we can use for this.” She said “a gift card to where?” I looked at her somewhat confused and said “uh, to the theater we’re walking into.” She flipped out and yelled at me saying I was rude and how would she know what gift card I was talking about. I said “yeah that’s true. As we were walking into a theater I would probably find that to be the perfect time to inform you that I have a gift card to Pier One. Just throwing that random information out there.”

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Once a guy I met at a club took out a business card and handed it to me to pick me up and it said his name, then “Sophomore, George Washington University”

I showed her Chappelle’s Show and she was like “What? This isn’t funny” and not laughing at any of the sketches at all.

I made out with this one guy while I was on some weird mixture of E and alcohol and something else (I was in with the wrong crowd at this point) and I told this guy he NEEDED to ask me out the next day. Then, he did and I just straight up stood him up because I was like, why would a guy like me after I was a crazy mess the night before? His standards were way too low, so I didn’t even see him again.

He had only cum twice in his entire life from sex of any kind and when I tried to tackle the issue with him, he got so angry.

I stopped seeing a girl because her skin smelled like burnt toast. It wasn’t a lotion or anything. I’ll never understand it, but anytime you leaned in close it smelled like an uncleaned toaster.

He was 29 and had braces.

He was a trainer and I realized when we were working out, it’d be all butt exercises cos he was trying to sculpt his dream woman.

We met when I was blacked out (this was many years ago) and he kept saying how I was not as fun as I was the night we met which really creeped me out.

She played terrible new age music while bathing me.

I hated his shoes. They were all square toed or off brand sneakers and he’d wear them with jeans.

She had a giant tattoo on her cooch that said “I AM JOYFUL.”

I didn’t like his cologne.

She put too much mayo on everything she ate. It was like more mayo than sandwich. I brought it up with her and she was very defensive about it, I realized we were done.

I never called a guy back because after our first date he texted me goodniight and I said “goodnight. :)” and he legit said “I’m picturing your bottom lip in that emoticon. Soooo sexy.” So I was like WOW okay, bye.

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I literally did not know whether he was underage or not. I thought he was 19, but then I became suspicious that he was not, in fact, 19, so to spare myself the worry and hassle, I broke it off.

I asked a guy to play Super Nintendo with me and he said playing video games was a waste of time and gave me a lecture about time management so I never talked to him after that. We had gone on 3 dates.

She was a smoker and would cough during sex.

I showed this guy the “bad lip reading” videos, and sat there laughing so hard I was crying actual tears. And he just sat next to me in total silence. Didn’t even break a smile.

He was a Celtics fan and the Celtics/Lakers rivalry wouldn’t let me get past that.

A girl invited me back to her apartment and she turned on a Dane Cook special. We kept trying to make out but she kept laughing so hard at his jokes she would have to stop. It was probably the lowest point of my life; my make out skills were overpowered by the comedic talents of Dane Cook.

He told me he was a compulsive masturbator and had to masturbate 6 times a day to feel “healthy and happy.”

This one guy actually chased me down the street to ask me out and I said yes because he was French (so lame), but then he said he was coming over to cook me dinner and all he brought was ready-made chicken from Trader Joe’s that you just have to bake and I was like, we’re done here.

I couldn’t stand her laugh. She was really cool and overall we were great, but her laugh was too much to overcome. Kinda regret it now, she’s doing pretty well.

This guy was like really weakly endowed and, like, insisted that I… pretended it wasn’t. IT WAS SO AWKWARD.

Stopped talking to a girl because she started gaining weight.

I stopped replying to his texts because he would begin with “hi.”

She had a tendency to defecate upon orgasm. More than once. True and horrifying story.

She had so many vaginal piercings that going down on her was like running my tongue over a fishing-tackle box.

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I stopped dating a guy because he was a ginger.

He posted a picture on Instagram at 7am of his freshly made cough syrup over ice drink on the plane…

I broke up with a dude for going to a not-great college even though I was at a community college at the time.

I never called a girl back after our first date, who I know wanted to see me again (and who I told I would call back). We hit it off really well, had a great night, there were some initial sparks flying. But she was like four inches taller than me so I just sort of let it go.

Have a friend who broke up with a girl because she had a tote bag with what he thought was an inane slogan on it.

I stopped dating a guy cos he lived in Bed-Stuy and I lived in Hell’s Kitchen and it felt like a long-distance relationship.

I dated a guy who cried. Like, he cried really easily, at not-that-serious things. And so I broke up with him after a few months.

There have been so many times I’ve almost deleted my current boyfriend’s number from my phone because he is a Chris Brown fan.

She was a half Asian half Puerto Rican, but on the first date, she told me about her nephews and how cute they are. She was like, “Look at them, they are so cute,” and I freaked out… I thought like she wanted my babies. So while she was in the bathroom, I left.

I never called a guy back when he told me he had shown his mom a picture of me after date 3.

When I was 12, my basketball team had an end of the season dance. My coach’s daughter apparently had a crush on me and he called to ask if I’d go with her. Assuming she’d be cute I agreed. The dance was at the neighborhood center at the end of my street. I went to the dance, saw she was the opposite of cute and escaped just minutes into the dance. I never spoke to her.

I met a girl online who told me she had “hips.” She didn’t tell me she had 20 of them.

The girl I slept with once offered to start paying me for sex.

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