Hilarious Aziz Ansari Jokes and Quotes
When I tour, it’s like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour. I try to eat at all the weird places, the obscure barbecue joints, burger places. There are a few spots in L.A. that I’m obsessed with – one of them is the Taco Zone taco truck on Alvarado. There are secret off-menu items that are amazing.
Like with Parks and Recreation, it’s so much fun because the people writing it are funny and they’re open and you just go in there and have a good time. It’s pretty much the easiest job I’ve ever had.
I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn’t, but I thought: ‘What the hell?’ So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it.
Every time I’ve done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there’s always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they’re just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that.
I’m kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat.
I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.
A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.
After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times and then one night it’ll flop. And that’s when I really take a hard look at myself and say: ‘Well, that crowd is obviously wrong. That crowd has absolutely no idea what it’s talking about.’
One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it’s Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.
Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That’s what we’re shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.
No, I don’t text her, “It was nice meeting you”. I wait eight weeks and I text her, “What’s cracking?”
I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word “bistro” is classy as shit.
The four sweetest words in the English language – “You wore me down”.
I want to take that cheese and do terrible things to it.
At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.
Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers. Those are some Diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great.
Your favorite kind of cake can’t be birthday cake, that’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting ‘Gangnam style!’ yelled at them by bros around the world.
Dude on my flight is watching Men in Black 3, watching with no sound & pretending its a Hitch sequel bout Hitch trying hookup an alien.
I went to a place recently I think is one of the most fucked up places I’ve ever been to. I’m convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I’m talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape shit with it.
I’m not making this up – he goes ‘Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn’t affect your everyday life. But that doesn’t mean it’s right.’ I think it’s pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I’m sorry, but that’s not the first animal you jump to when you’re writing that analogy.
When I walk around, sometimes people recognize me from things they’ve seen me in, TV or whatever. And they’d say, you know, stuff, and a lot of times, I wouldn’t hear what they’d said because I had headphones on. So, I kinda just go, ‘Cool, man. Glad you like the show.’ And I’d just keep walking. And this one guy said something to me one time, and I went, ‘Cool, man. Glad you like the show.’ And then right when I walked past him, I realized, ‘Oh, man, that guy didn’t say anything about the show.’ He went, ‘Hey, man, your fly’s down.’ And I went, ‘Cool, man. Glad you like the show. Glad you like seeing my dick pop out of my pants. Come back next week, you can see one of my balls.’
Nela – can you come and disinfect this please. I don’t want our customers complaining that our fruit tastes like New Zealanders.
It’s all dangerously true. It’d be nice if something worked out for me, and then I’d have to get material out of that.
I’m in a situation with this girl that’s as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush