Grand Theft Auto Radio Commericals

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Humorous Grand Theft Auto radio commercials taken in-game. Grand theft auto radio adverts are gems of satire.
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Starfish Resort and On line casino

(Observe- There’s one thing stated after the half concerning the Giggledome, however I can’t
make it out.)

(Observe 2- Many casinos within the early 90s have been making an attempt to make their locations extra
household pleasant, to draw an even bigger crowd, one thing this industrial spoofs.)

(Observe 3- The music within the background is identical music for the Cluckin’ Bell
jingles!)

Father: Oh children. You appear like we’re going to a different funeral.

Youngsters (collectively): Dad, we’re bored!

Man: You educate your youngsters a whole lot of good American values. However have you ever
taught them methods to have enjoyable? For household leisure that doesn’t cease, head
over to the Starfish Resort and On line casino in Las Venturas. You deserve this sort
of enjoyable. Waterslides! Taking pictures vary! And the youngsters love the Giggledome!

(sounds of enjoyable)

Man: Plus, we’ve obtained the most well liked gaming on the town! No one gives you extra gaming
worth. And, you’ll educate the youngsters some necessary life classes about actual
capitalism.

Boy (crying): Dad, I misplaced all my cash!

Father: You’ve realized a precious lesson. Son, it’s time on your first
lapdance.

Boy (giggles): Yeah, weapons!

Man: Time is meaningless within the land of tomorrow. It’s the Starfish Resort
and On line casino. Mother can go all night time on the one-armed bandits, whereas the youngsters
go to the Little Tykes Pawn Store.

Boy: How’d you do, Cherice?

Lady (unhappy): I busted myself and bought a kidney.

Mom: That’s my lady!

Man: Share the love- the love of cash! And the Starfish Resort and On line casino has
the most effective buffet in Las Venturas, that includes our world-famous bacon trough!

(sound of pig snorting)

Man: The Starfish Resort and On line casino. This type of enjoyable must be unlawful!

 

DeKoch Diamonds

(Observe- “Dave” notes that this firm is spelled DeKoch, not DeCott, which
makes good sense… this IS a Rockstar sport, in any case.)

Man: Relationships can appear to be an eternity.

Girl: You asshole! What have been you doing with my sister in that sizzling tub?!?!

Man: Relieve the strain.

Girl 2 (whispers): Ice…

Man: Chill that bitch out… with ice.

Girl 2 (whispers): Ice…

Man: A diamond lasts without end. However your relationship won’t. A diamond is
love. Rock onerous. And frozen in time. Fortunately, most ladies are shallow, and
materialistic.

Girl 2 (whispers): Ice…

Girl: A diamond? So that you -do- love me!

Man: Nothing says I like you want a lump of carbon, mined by wage-slaves in
Angola.

Girl: I don’t even know what I used to be mad at you about. Would you like a blow job?

Man: Ardour. It -can- be bought. And it -can- be overpriced. Ice.
Obtainable and really costly…

Girl 2 (whispers): Ice…

Man: …at DeKoch Diamonds.

 

Redwood Cigarettes

Man: They are saying, residing in Los Santos is the equal to smoking a pack a day.
If that’s the case, than I desire a alternative within the matter!

(sound of horse whinnying)

Man: So I selected Redwood.

Man 2: I used to promote my physique for drug cash on the streets. Now I’ve cleaned
up and have a spouse and go to church. And I owe all of it to Redwood Cigarettes.

(sound of horse whinnying)

Girl: Generally after I get actually stressed I beat my youngsters with
something I can lay my palms on. Since I attempted Redwoods, I’ve discovered a option to
calm down twenty or thirty instances a day. I do know it’s unhealthy for me, however what’s extra
necessary? Me, or my youngsters?

(sound of horse whinnying)

Girl 2: Stress kills tens of millions of individuals annually, and causes divorces,
vehicle accidents, and even battle. When stress is about to get you, get a
Redwood.

(sound of horse whinnying)

Girl 2: Redwood Cigarettes. Proud Sponsor of the LS Metropolis Marathon.

Gta V Game Glitch

PSA: Your Teen Wants a Automotive

Boy: Hey mother, watch! No palms!

(sound of crash)

Boy (in ache): Ooh!

Mother: Oh no! My child! What occurred!

Boy: I simply misplaced management of my bike and crashed. I solely skinned my knee a
little bit. Nothing too unhealthy!

Mother: Jesus H. Christ! My child! That’s it. No extra bike driving for you. Not
in the present day, not ever!

Boy: Mother, it doesn’t harm that unhealthy. I like my bike! I simply fell. It occurs!

Mother: That’s it! I’m getting you a automotive!

Boy: Wow! Cool!

Mother: I did NOT convey you into this world so as so that you can be uncovered to
something harmful! I misplaced my determine for you, I ruined your father’s life with
my nagging… I can’t see you die on some outdated contraption! I gained’t! I
gained’t! I gained’t! I’ll shield you in any means I can. It’s a mom’s obligation.

Boy (tearfully): I like you, mother!

Mother: Effectively, you want a automotive. We’ll mortgage the home, or do no matter it takes!
I need you secure. And what higher safety than an overpowered sports activities coupe
you’ll be able to drive when first experimenting with consuming and medicines?

Man: The teenage years may be tough and harmful. Don’t make them lethal.
Don’t make your teenager journey a bicycle. Be a mother- not a assassin. That is
a public service announcement paid for by the governor’s workplace of San Andreas,
in affiliation with Maibatsu Vehicles of America.

 

Mike Andrews Dwell

(Observe- When Mike Andrews talks, it’s by a microphone to a big viewers,
who may be heard cheering within the background.)

Man: Coming quickly to the Los Santos Conference Heart- it’s Mike Andrews!

Mike: Perceive that it’s okay to be poor! There should be poor individuals! We
wealthy are the yin. You’re the yang! We’d like you!

Man: He’s modified tens of millions of lives together with his e-book, ‘Rags are Riches.’ Now hear
Mike Andrews stay!

Man 2: Mr. Andrews? I, I’ve been having a run of unhealthy luck, and I used to be questioning
if the state may assist me get again on my toes.

Mike: That is the form of adverse, obsessed, and grasping speak that doesn’t assist
anybody. My program will educate you a brand new outlook on life. As a substitute of
complaining about being poor, take pleasure in it! Watch TV! Don’t vote! Who cares?

Man 2: However I’m homeless!

Mike: You’ve obtained all of it unsuitable! Society doesn’t owe you something! The
authorities has higher issues to fret about. Like killing harmless individuals!
You have already got all the pieces you want, so take pleasure in your life!

Man: See Mike Andrews stay for less than 2 hundred {dollars}, payable in ten
installments! Reserve your seat in the present day!

 

Mike Andrews Dwell

Man: Coming quickly to the Los Santos Conference Heart, it’s Mike Andrews!

Mike: Poor individuals, cease complaining! Begin residing! You’ll be able to’t take the cash
with you if you die! Even I can’t!

Man: He’s modified tens of millions of lives together with his e-book, “Rags are Riches.” This
all-day seminar options workshops on: cooking potatoes, dumpster diving,
huffing paint, bathing options, and pharmaceutical baking!

Mike: As a substitute of complaining about being poor, woman, take pleasure in it!

Girl: Mike, I can’t feed my children! And the hire’s due!

Mike: Whoh, bitch! Settle it down! Are you saying this ain’t the best
nation on the planet?

Girl: I can not…

Mike: Wait! Maintain on, maintain on, wait- Everybody! U – S – A!

Crowd and Mike: U – S – A! U – S – A!

Man: Hear Mike’s favourite applications, reminiscent of: There’s No Wealthy Folks, The Wealthy
are Depressing, Play Harmonica, and Anticipate Much less, Obtain Extra! See Mike Andrews
Dwell for less than $200, payable in ten installments! Reserve your seat in the present day!

 

Blotto’s

Girl: Agh! I can’t get this flour out!

Man: What’s unsuitable now?

Girl: I would like one thing to get the flour out to make these little tiny
miniature pancakes.

Man: How about this?

Girl: Wow, a tiny spoon! How cute! The place did you get that?

Man: At Blotto’s, in fact.

Man 2: Blotto’s. We’ve obtained all types of equipment for the kitchen. Cooking
one thing up on the highway? Come try our moveable kits that bakers love.
Blotto’s! We make day by day habits enjoyable.

 

Grin

(sound of glass breaking)

Boy 1: Mother, Josh simply broke the vodka bottle in your nightstand!

Boy 2: Chris did it!

Mother: You little shits! I’ll kill you!

Man: Elevating a household within the suburbs is hard. Particularly if you was once
a hip, single lady on her personal in a cool enclave of city. With in the present day’s
stresses, it’s tough to take care of a loving, exploratory intercourse relationship
along with your husband, and counter the temptations to kill your personal youngsters.

Mother: I like my household! What can I do?

Man: Generally you want a serving to hand. Ship the proper message about values
and character with Grin. Grin readjusts your mind chemistry in a very
secure means.

Mother: I hated my life. Now, I like my minivan. As a substitute of spending time with
buddies, I work on the home. The world is bipolar- I’m too! Grin retains me
on the equator. Primitive, sunny, and at all times feeling sizzling.

Man: Grin! It’s scientifically formulated by science to assist remedy the nervousness,
despair, and lack of self-confidence that comes with residing a brand new life in
the suburbs. It’s secure and non-addictive. In spite of everything, what could possibly be
habit-forming a few tablet that makes you’re feeling higher the entire time? If
you’re feeling like nothing issues, unemotional, and gaining weight, why not
regain your confidence with Grin?

 

Regulation

Man: Sometimes the law is not enough.

Lawyer 1: Did you file the subpoena within the McPherson case?

Lawyer 2: Nah, it wasn’t pressing. I filed an AO-440.

Lawyer 1: AO-440?!?

Lawyer 2: I do know, I do know. So I went searching for these loafers…

Lawyer 3: Anybody obtained a stapler? I obtained a whole lot of varieties, and there’s a slight
breeze in right here!

Man: Regulation. As a result of paperwork is dramatic. Catch it Thursdays on WESL (weasel),
earlier than it catches you.

 

Regulation – Work Arduous

Man: The true-life fictional drama concerning the lives behind the legislation within the present
that’s making America cry.

Lawyer 1: These IF-75s are a large number! And we’re already three months late with
the UCC addendum, -after- we misplaced the eighth Circuit paperwork the primary time
round! Jeez! I really want to whack off…

Man: Regulation. They play onerous. They usually work onerous. REALLY onerous. Catch it
Thursdays on WESL (weasel) earlier than it catches you.

 

Go to Carcer Metropolis

(Observe- Carcer Metropolis pops up right here and there all through the GTA sequence. The intro
scene in GTA III, the place you and Catalina rob the financial institution, is about in Carcer Metropolis.
The Rockstar sport “Manhunt” can also be set in Carcer Metropolis.)

(due to Dalton of Zeal for the additional data).

British Girl: Uninterested in all of the sunshine and good climate? In search of an actual
American trip? Go to the shining jewel in a rustbelt crown- Carcer Metropolis.
It’s an actual man’s trip. The delight of a nation is in Carcer Metropolis. It’s
metal, ice, and poverty. Spend a romantic night in the great thing about the
nighttime river glow of the flaming river. Watch actual males who make issues
lose their jobs and struggle on our particular “Closing the Mill” guided tour. Come
see what we’re actually product of. That is actual America- drunk, proud, unemployed,
and indignant. Hear the eagle roar- in Carcer Metropolis. That is what the heartland is
all about.

 

Midlife Disaster Heart

(tender piano music performs)

Man: Do you discover your daughter’s buddies engaging, however know they have a look at you
as only a dad? Does the typing pool at work consider you extra as a teddy bear
than a tiger? Do you whack off in your minivan whereas listening to teen pop?
You understand, you’ll be lifeless quickly. You’ve missed out on a lot. It’s not too
late to make a change.

(peppy music performs)

Man: On the Midlife Disaster Heart, we all know you’ve made a hit of your self.
Why are you sharing it with others? Why not take pleasure in it whilst you have the
likelihood? What’s holding you again?

(pause)

Cowardice. We’ll get you to the opposite aspect of your despair. We concentrate on
actual property, divorce attorneys, mistress placement, cosmetic surgery, hair
coloring and alternative, fur coats, and far more. With a designer clothes
retailer and sports activities automotive dealership on website. The Midlife Disaster Heart will assist
you rediscover life whilst you nonetheless can. Come along with your spouse, depart with a
sports activities automotive. When you’ve made a hit of your self, her chest has gone south.
How will you have that trollop in your arm for a second longer? The reply is,
you’ll be able to’t. Ignore your youngsters. Take your self critically. Go to the Midlife
Disaster Heart in the present day.

 

San Andreas Phone

(phone rings)

Girl: Howdy?

Man: Ah, hey… it’s me, Jonathan.

Girl: I don’t know a Jonathan.

Man: Yeah, that’s the identify they gave me on the orphanage after you set me up
for adoption. How may you give me away?

Man 2: Deliver the household collectively once more.

(sound of cellphone dialing)

Man 2: San Andreas Phone. For these -difficult- conversations.

San Andreas Phone (The ex-husband)

(cellphone rings)

Girl: Howdy?

Man: Lisa?

Girl: Yeah…

Man: How ya doing, bitch? How do you want residing in that home we constructed
collectively, huh? Do the youngsters like watching that bald bastard kiss you within the
morning? They need their -real- father, Lisa!

Man 2: While you simply can’t be there in particular person.

(sound of phone dialing)

Man 2: San Andreas Phone. For these -difficult- conversations.

 

San Andreas Phone  (The son)

(cellphone rings)

Girl: Howdy?

Man: Um, mother? It’s me.

Girl: Jimmy! How nice to listen to from you! How -are- you?

Man: Not good, mother. I killed a person drunk driving. I would like bail cash unhealthy.
Uh, are you able to, uh, re-mortgage the home?

Man 2: On daily basis is Mom’s Day.

(sound of phone dialing)

Man 2: San Andreas Phone. For these -difficult- conversations.

 

San Andreas Phone  (The infant)

(cellphone rings)

Man: Howdy?

Girl: Hello, is Mark there?

Man: Yeah…

Girl: It’s me, Shannon. We met at Jack’s celebration?

Man: Yeah! How can I overlook? Wow, the way you doing? I haven’t heard from you
in, uh…

Girl: 9 months.

(sound of child crying)

Girl: Howdy?

Man 2: Some moments change your life.

(sound of phone dialing)

Man 2: San Andreas Phone. For these -difficult- conversations.

 

Facari Movie

Girl: I miss little Vincent a lot! He cherished to play baseball. I… I used to be
driving him to observe. I assume I used to be busy making eyes on the man driving
subsequent to me.

(sound of kid laughing)

Girl: I didn’t discover he was sticking his head out the window! His blond hair
flowing within the wind!

(sound of truck horn, then a splat)

Man: Uh, honey, Vincent’s hair was black.

Girl: That’s not the purpose! We’re fortunate he was adopted! So we simply obtained
one other. It’s my life, and I don’t need to overlook something.

Man 2: Documenting each second of life is essential. Take loads of
footage of your spouse. You by no means know when she would possibly depart you for one more
man. It’s necessary to doc your happiness whereas it lasts. And use
Facari Movie. When your son wins the sport. When your daughter will get herpes.
Facari Movie. Recollections are without end. Type of.

 

Glory Gap Theme Park

Man: San Andreas simply can’t get sufficient of the Glory Gap Theme Park!

Refrain: Glory Gap! The place strangers turn into buddies! Glory Gap! There’s no
must know names.

Man: It’s the place for magic and journey! All of us like talking rodents, to
entertain and educate our youngsters, and now with Gerry Gerbil the youngsters have somebody
they’ll actually relate to!

Gerry: Youngsters! Come and play! I’ve obtained puppies to indicate you!

Youngsters: Yay! Big talking rodent!

Girl: Go on children, have enjoyable! I do know it’s secure. Gerry’s sporting a latex physique
swimsuit.

Lady: Goodbye, mother! We’re off to have enjoyable with strangers!

Refrain: Glory Gap! It’ll harm, nevertheless it’s price it.

Man: Trip the log flume! (splash) Dwell the journey of the flaming scream
machine! (zap) Glory Gap Theme Park!

All: Glory Gap!

Man: Open each day until 3 AM! Come stay the thriller!

 

Glory Gap Theme Park -Unbelievable Voyage

Man: Come stay the thriller!

Crowd: Glory Gap!

Refrain: Glory Gap! The place strangers turn into buddies! Glory gap! You don’t
must know names!

Gerry: Cool off in our water sports activities park! (splash) I’ll present your children a
nice time! It’s one thing they’ll always remember and discuss for years to
come! Particularly at remedy classes!

Man: It’s the place for magic! And journey!

Refrain: Glory Gap!

Girl: Leaving me free to buy and get lipo!

Gerry: Who’s prepared for the unimaginable Gerbil’s Voyage?

Boy: Gerry! Can we come too?

Gerry: This can be a journey you should undertake alone. It may be darkish and scary,
however she’ll shriek with delight

Refrain: Glory Gap! It’ll harm, nevertheless it’s price it!

Lady: What’s that gap within the wall for?

Gerry: You wait and see. You’ll be amazed! (mutters “fuck this…”)

Refrain Glory Gap!

Man: Glory Gap Theme Park! Open each day until 3 AM!

 

Cake (The spouse)

Girl: I love my husband more than anything.

Man: Which is why I used to be stunned to search out her sleeping with {the teenager} subsequent
door.

Girl: Now I take every day at some point at a time. I didn’t know what I had till
it was nearly gone. Now I’m devoted, and haven’t terminated a being pregnant in
over a 12 months! I finished obsessing about my weight, and now there’s simply extra
of me to like. They are saying America’s fatter than ever. However if you’re quantity
one, it’s time to have fun! And why not have fun with cake? On daily basis!

Girl 2 (sings): Rejoice with cake!

 

Cake (The son)

Mother: I like my children greater than something.

Son: Which is why mother retains me clinically obese- so I gained’t run away.

Mother: That’s the place cake is available in. My sister’s son obtained to 18 and simply ran away.
She was broken-hearted. Now me and little Joshua have fun each day with
cake! He’s my primary, and he is aware of it! Now he’s not working wherever.
Why not have fun with cake? On daily basis.

Girl (sings): Rejoice with cake!

 

Inversion Remedy

(Observe- there’s such a factor as inversion remedy, nevertheless it sometimes refers to
a again remedy the place they dangle you the other way up (no, actually).)

Darius: Hello, what are you afraid of? Heights? Flying? Polio? No matter your
concern, it’s time to face it. Hello, I’m Darius Fontaine, creator of Inversion
Remedy. For years we’ve helped our sufferers get previous their deepest and
darkest fears and get ON with their lives. Simply take heed to this:

Man: I… I used to be having actually darkish ideas. I… I needed to sleep with my
mom. Now that I’ve finished it, I don’t need to any extra.

Darius: Unbelievable! However, you understand, it really works. That’s Inversion Remedy! Worry
it, face it, do it, CONQUER it! Received it? Ju- hear once more.

Girl: Okay. I used to be afraid of my youngsters being harmed. So I stabbed them.
Didn’t harm me -that- a lot. Yeah, now I’m not afraid of something.

Darius: That’s ANOTHER life saved! (giggles) Inversion Remedy works! I
know! While you take your concern head-on, it’s time to maneuver on. I’m Darius
Fontaine, name me in the present day! I’ll change your life- promise!
Name 1-866-FACE-FEAR.

 

Rapidite

Man: Sexual re-alignment used to require years of remedy, months of hormone
therapies, and you continue to ended up trying like a drag queen. Now you’ll be able to let
the lady inside come out within the consolation and privateness of your personal house. And
it’s as quick as this:

Man 2: slice…

Man 2 (now with lady’s voice): See? Now I’m a lady, due to Rapidite!
This do-it-yourself sexual re-alignment equipment contains all the pieces you must go
from Brad to Brenda in a jif. It’s simply snip, chop, stuff and swallow and away
you go. Do it within the rest room and shock your loved ones with a brand new you! Comes
with an tutorial video, rusty knife and tourniquet, two aspirins, and
forty-seven kilos of estrogen. It’s all you want! When it’s time for a
change, you need it quick. Rapidite- the do-it-yourself sexual re-alignment
equipment. Be -exactly- who you need to be.

 

The Loopy Cock

(violin music performs)

Girl: What IS a gentleman? He’s form, well mannered, and stands by his phrase. He’s
well-dressed, and treats a woman with respect.

(sax music performs)

Girl: Now a membership for high-quality gents has come to Las Venturas. Wish to be a
gentleman? Pay a lady the last word praise by shoving $20s in her panties
on the Loopy Cock. Yow!

(rock music performs)

Girl: Tonight, and each night time, your luck is on the town on the Loopy Cock. The place
the women are stunning and oh! So very pleasant.

Sweet: Come on boys, I’m ready for a gentleman such as you.

Girl: That’s proper, Sweet desires to faux (frig?) herself for cash and make you
really feel precisely what you’re not- a woman killer! It’s the gentleman’s alternative. And
a woman -always- likes to be observed.

Man: Woo-wee! Titties! What could possibly be extra gentlemanly than observing
silicone breasts whereas my spouse is enjoying slot machines?

Sweet: Nothing.

Man 2: I’m right here for a convention. What about my colleagues?

Sweet: I’ll make you all really feel particular, one after the opposite. Simply give me
cash.

Girl: Sure, convey your purchasers! In spite of everything, as soon as they see how drunk and sexy
you recover from a pair of faux bazookas, they’re positive to take your skilled
enter critically. What gentleman wouldn’t?

(violin music performs)

Girl 2: Find out how a woman likes to be handled…

Girl: ONLY on the Cah-razy Cock! It’s your obligation as a gentleman.

 

The Epsilon Program (Much less for God, extra for you)

(Observe- ‘Tithe’ refers to giving a share of 1’s earnings to the church one
belongs to. The quantity is often 10% (actually the phrase ‘tithe’ means
‘tenth’))

Chris: Do you are concerned that no person likes you? We’ll give you buddies.
Hello, and Kifflom. I’m the honorable Chris Formage. Covet your neighbor’s ass
now not. The Epsilon Program seeks out the handy bits from each religion
to create a faith that’s uniquely American- costly, promiscuous, and
fully meaningless. And in contrast to different main religions, we solely tithe 8.75
%. Meaning much less for God, and extra for you. All you need to do is
learn and perceive the Epsilon Tract, and the secrets and techniques of the Universe will likely be
open to you. Simply name 1-866-FUN-CULT

 

The Epsilon Program (This time, God, it is private)

Man: Why do timber speak?

Girl: Why are there dinosaurs?

Boy: Why do individuals die meaningless deaths?

Man 2: Is there different clever life within the universe?

Girl 2: Why do I’ve to be monogamous?

Chris: Would you like solutions? Have you ever searched literature and philosophy for
that means? For years, man has combed the pages of historical past, looking for
enlightenment. Lastly, the solutions are right here. We on the Epsilon Program know
faith is a deeply private expertise. Be a part of us- and you may be delivered to
gentle. Hello, and Kifflom. I’m the honorable Chris Formage. All you need to
do is learn and perceive the Epsilon Tract and the secrets and techniques of the Universe
will likely be opened to you. The Epsilon Program. This time, God, it’s private.

 

The Epsilon Program (Science?)

Chris: Let me ask you one thing. Have you ever ever seen an actual dinosaur? In fact
you have not, and also you by no means will. Truth! That is as a result of they by no means existed, and
science… (chuckles) science is a lie. I imply, have you ever really ever seen a
sperm? We have all tried. All you need to do is learn and perceive the Epsilon
Tract, and the secrets and techniques of the Universe will likely be opened to you. This can be a life-
altering expertise. All of your mortal fears will likely be comfy. The Epsilon
Program. This time, God, it is private.

 

Bouge Cologne

(Observe- certainly, Agrippina the Youthful (AD 16 – 59) positive obtained round in Roman
instances)

Man: Life isn’t about cash, or your job. It’s about having good buddies, a
good automotive, and nailing as many ladies as attainable. That’s why I select Bouge
Cologne. The identify ‘cologne’ stems from the Roman empress Agrippina, who would
sleep with anybody. I do know- I did. And I’ll sleep with you, too. God, I like
myself. I scent nice!

Girl: Bouge Cologne. Get your sperm swimming.

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