Funny Jokes From Comedy Legends

Tommy CooperA guy wakes up in a hospital bed and screams ,”Doctor ! I can’t feel my legs !”The doctor says, “I know you can’t. I’ve just chopped your arms off !”

Steven Wright“I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.

Bill Hicks “Wouldn’t you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition? Perhaps? Wouldn’t that be interesting? Just for once?”Today, a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There’s no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we’re the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.”

Eddie Izzard So they are loading up Noah’s Ark, and the animals are going on two by two, “And we have two lions, and two tigers, and two zebra, and two squirrels… yes get on up there… and two chickens, and two horses… Hey up there, what have you got so far ?”“Two lions and two tigers.”“…Shit !”

Richard Pryor You know you’re f*****d up when your dealer starts refusing to sell you any more shit.“I don’t know Rich… you ‘aint looking so hot right now !”

Lee EvansAnd I’m going down the motorway (freeway) and I’m going really fast and I look down and I go, “Shit ! I forgot my car !”

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