Finest one liners

1 I requested God for a motorcycle, however I do know God doesn’t work that manner. So I stole a motorcycle and requested for forgiveness.
2 Don’t argue with an fool. He’ll drag you right down to his stage and beat you with expertise.
3 I wish to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling just like the passengers in his automotive.
4 The very last thing I wish to do is harm you. Nevertheless it’s nonetheless on the listing.
5 Intercourse isn’t the reply. Intercourse is the query. “Sure” is the reply.
6 Ladies may be capable to faux orgasms. However males can faux an entire relationship.
7 We reside in a society the place pizza will get to your home earlier than the police.
8 Having intercourse is like taking part in bridge. In case you don’t have accomplice, you’d higher have hand.
9 We by no means actually develop up, we solely learn to act in public.
10 Males have two feelings: Hungry and Attractive. In case you see him with out an erection, make him a sandwich.
11 Mild travels sooner than sound. This is the reason some individuals seem brilliant till you hear them converse.
12 Battle doesn’t decide who is true – solely who’s left.
13 If I agreed with you we’d each be fallacious.
14 The early hen may get the worm, however the second mouse will get the cheese.
15 Politicians and diapers have one factor in widespread. They need to each be modified recurrently, and for a similar motive.
16 Youngsters: You spend the primary 2 years of their life educating them to stroll and discuss. Then you definitely spend the following 16 years telling them to take a seat down and shut-up.
17 If intercourse is a ache within the ass, then you definitely’re doing it fallacious…
18 Information is figuring out a tomato is a fruit; Knowledge isn’t placing it in a fruit salad.
19 Night information is the place they start with ‘Good night’, after which proceed to let you know why it isn’t.
20 A bus station is the place a bus stops. A practice station is the place a practice stops. On my desk, I’ve a piece station..
21 My mom by no means noticed the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
22 I didn’t battle my approach to the highest of the meals chain to be a vegetarian
23 In case you suppose no one cares for those who’re alive, strive lacking a few funds.
24 I assumed I wished a profession, seems I simply wished paychecks.
25 If God is watching us, the least we will do is be entertaining.
26 Higher to stay silent and be thought a idiot, than to talk and take away all doubt.
27 If 4 out of 5 individuals SUFFER from diarrhea… does that imply that one enjoys it?
28 Some persons are like Slinkies … probably not good for something, however you possibly can’t assist smiling once you see one tumble down the steps.
29 How is it one careless match can begin a forest hearth, however it takes an entire field to start out a campfire?
30 Do you know that dolphins are so good that inside a couple of weeks of captivity, they’ll practice individuals to face on the very fringe of the pool and throw them fish?
31 A financial institution is a spot that may lend you cash, for those who can show that you just don’t want it.
32 Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any greater than standing in a storage makes you a automotive.
33 By no means, underneath any circumstances, take a sleeping tablet and a laxative on the identical night time.
34 To steal concepts from one individual is plagiarism. To steal from many is analysis.
35 A pc as soon as beat me at chess, however it was no match for me at kick boxing.
36 I noticed a girl carrying a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I stated “Implants?”
37 Why does somebody imagine you once you say there are 4 billion stars, however test once you say the paint is moist?
38 A transparent conscience is often the signal of a nasty reminiscence.
39 The voices in my head might not be actual, however they’ve some good concepts!
40 Good ladies are dangerous ladies that by no means get caught.
41 Ladies won’t ever be equal to males till they’ll stroll down the road with a bald head and a beer intestine, and nonetheless suppose they’re horny.
42 Snigger at your issues, all people else does.
43 The shinbone is a tool for locating furnishings in a darkish room.
44 Each time I fill out an software, within the half that claims “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mom going to do?
45 He who smiles in a disaster has discovered somebody accountable.
46 The principle motive Santa is so jolly is as a result of he is aware of the place all of the dangerous ladies reside.
47 I didn’t say it was your fault, I stated I used to be blaming you.
48 Synthetic intelligence is not any match for pure stupidity.
49 God should love silly individuals. He made SO many.
50 Behind each profitable man is his girl. Behind the autumn of a profitable man is often one other girl.
51 The only real goal of a kid’s center identify, is so he can inform when he’s actually in bother.
52 By no means get into fights with ugly individuals, they don’t have anything to lose.
53 At all times borrow cash from a pessimist. He gained’t anticipate it again.
54 By no means hit a person with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
55 My opinions could have modified, however not the truth that I’m proper.
56 Some individuals say “In case you can’t beat them, be a part of them”. I say “In case you can’t beat them, beat them”, as a result of they are going to be anticipating you to affix them, so you should have the ingredient of shock.
57 Some trigger happiness wherever they go. Others every time they go.
58 It’s not the autumn that kills you; it’s the sudden cease on the finish.
59 Crowded elevators scent totally different to midgets.
60 Hospitality: making your friends really feel like they’re at residence, even if you want they had been.
61 You don’t want a parachute to skydive. You solely want a parachute to skydive twice.
62 Nostalgia isn’t what it was once.
63 I found I scream the identical manner whether or not I’m about to be devoured by an excellent white shark or if a chunk of seaweed touches my foot.
64 A discount is one thing you don’t want at a value you possibly can’t resist.
65 My psychiatrist informed me I used to be loopy and I stated I desire a second opinion. He stated okay, you’re ugly too.
66 I intend to reside without end. Up to now, so good.
67 Cash can’t purchase happiness, however it certain makes distress simpler to reside with.
68 A diplomat is somebody who can let you know to go to hell in such a manner that you’ll stay up for the journey.
69 Now we have sufficient gun management. What we want is fool management.
70 You’re by no means too outdated to be taught one thing silly.
71 I ought to’ve identified it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. In any case, I’m a Libra and she or he’s a bitch.
72 Somewhat boy requested his father, “Daddy, how a lot does it price to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m nonetheless paying.”
73 With enough thrust, pigs fly simply nice.
74 Ladies could not hit tougher, however they hit decrease.
75 Information is energy, and energy corrupts. So examine onerous and be evil.
76 There’s a nice line between cuddling and holding somebody down to allow them to’t get away.
77 I don’t belief something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.
78 Worrying works! 90% of the issues I fear about by no means occur.
79 Why do Individuals select from simply two individuals to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
80 I at all times take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
81 If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you!
82 I was indecisive. Now I’m unsure.
83 When doubtful, mumble.
84 I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and take a look at it for hours.
85 To make certain of hitting the goal, shoot first and name no matter you hit the goal.
86 Jesus loves you, however everybody else thinks you’re an asshole.
87 A bus is a automobile that runs twice as quick if you end up after it as if you end up in it.
88 A TV can insult your intelligence, however nothing rubs it in like a pc.
89 Simply bear in mind…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
90 I acquired in a battle one time with a extremely huge man, and he stated, “I’m going to mop the ground together with your face.” I stated, “You’ll be sorry.” He stated, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I stated, “Nicely, you gained’t be capable to get into the corners very nicely.”
91 Some individuals hear voices.. Some see invisible individuals.. Others don’t have any creativeness in any respect.
92 You might be such pal that if we had been on a sinking ship collectively and there was just one life jacket… I’d miss you lots and consider you typically.
93 When tempted to battle hearth with hearth, keep in mind that the Fireplace Division often makes use of water.
94 Hallmark Card: “I’m so depressing with out you, it’s nearly such as you’re nonetheless right here.”
95 Virginity is sort of a soapbubble, one prick and it’s gone.
96 Change is inevitable, besides from a merchandising machine.
97 If successful isn’t all the pieces why do they maintain rating?
98 In case you maintain your ft firmly on the bottom, you’ll have bother placing in your pants.
99 If you’re imagined to be taught out of your errors, why do some individuals have multiple little one.
100 Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has by no means stepped on one.

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