Finest comic quotes

“Should you ever see me getting crushed by the police, put down the
video digital camera and are available assist me.”
–Bobcat Goldthwait

“I have been doing the Fonda exercise: the Peter Fonda exercise. That is the place I get up, take successful of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister’s home and ask her for cash.”
Kevin Meaney

“My mother mentioned she discovered tips on how to swim. Somebody took her out within the lake and threw her off the boat. That is how she discovered tips on how to swim. I mentioned, ‘Mother, they weren’t making an attempt to show you tips on how to swim.’ ”
–Paula Poundstone

“In elementary faculty, in case of fireplace you need to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What’s the logic? Do tall
individuals burn slower?”
–Warren Hutcherson

“I’ve six locks on my door all in a row. Once I exit, I lock each
different one. I determine irrespective of how lengthy any individual stands there selecting the
locks, they’re at all times locking three.”
–Elayne Boosler

“Ever marvel if illiterate individuals get the complete impact of alphabet soup?”
–John Mendoza

“At present I met with a subliminal promoting government for only a second.”
–Steven Wright

Relationships are hard. It is like a full-time job, and we must always deal with
it like one. In case your boyfriend or girlfriend needs to go away you, they
ought to offer you two weeks’ discover. There ought to beseverance pay, and
earlier than they go away you, they need to have to search out you a temp.”
–Bob Ettinger

“A research within the Washington Put up says that ladies have higher verbal expertise
than males. I simply need to say to the authors of that research: Duh.”
–Conan O’Brien

“I have not taken my Christmas lights down. They give the impression of being so good on the
–Winston Spear

“Did you ever stroll in a room and overlook why you walked in? I feel that is
how canines spend their lives.”
–Sue Murphy

“My grandfather’s a bit of forgetful, however he likes to provide me recommendation. One
day, he took me apart and left me there.”
–Ron Richards

“I fear that the one that thought up Muzak could also be considering up
one thing else.”
–Lily Tomlin

“USA At present has come out with a brand new survey: Apparently three out of 4 individuals make up 75 p.c of the inhabitants.”
David Letterman

“Chihuahua. There is a waste of pet food. Seems to be like a canine that’s nonetheless
–Billiam Coronell

“I used to be a vegetarian till I began leaning in the direction of daylight.”
–Rita Rudner

“I at all times needed to be any individual, however I ought to have been extra particular.”
–Lily Tomlin

The Swiss have an interesting army. 5 hundred years with no warfare.
Fairly spectacular. Additionally fairly fortunate for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Military knife they must combat with? Not a lot of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get previous me, the man in again of me, he is acquired a spoon. Again off. I’ve acquired the toe
clippers proper right here.'”
–Jerry Seinfeld

“I planted some hen seed. A hen got here up. Now I do not know what to feed
–Steven Wright

“I do not kill flies however I prefer to mess with their minds. I maintain them
above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I am manner too excessive!’ ”
–Bruce Baum

“I met a brand new lady at a barbecue, very fairly, a blond I feel. I do not
know, her hair was on fireplace, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these type of women: ‘I am scorching. I am on fireplace. Me, me, me.’ You recognize.
‘Assist me, put me out.’ Come on, might we speak about me just a bit
–Garry Shandling

“I feel that is how Chicago got started. A bunch of individuals in New York
mentioned, ‘Gee, I am having fun with the crime and the poverty, nevertheless it simply is not
chilly sufficient. Let’s go west.'”
–Richard Jeni

“Generally I feel warfare is God’s manner of educating us geography.”
–Paul Rodriguez

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I am midway by means of my
fishburger and I understand, Oh my God….I may very well be consuming a gradual learner.”
–Lynda Montgomery

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