Fake Faulkner


In 1989, William Faulkner’s niece based an annual contest to parody her uncle’s distinctive writing type. It ran for 16 years, with the winners printed in United Airways’ Hemispheres journal. Right here’s the winner from 2001, “The (Auto) Pound and the Jury (or Quentin Will get His First Parking Ticket),” by Louisiana Philharmonic clarinetist Allan Kolsky:

For the fifth time in as many minutes, the brilliant shapes slowly handed us by way of the somnolent mud, every shifting left to proper, every in its ordered place. As we (as soon as once more) handed beneath the grim and cruel statue of the accomplice soldier (that also unravish’d sentinel of quietude, his implacable marble hand without end shading the inscrutable carven eyes) our hearts sank just a little deeper, not as a result of we now realized that our quest was futile, however as a result of it at all times had been, as a result of we now appeared doomed without end to circle this postage stamp of land like sluggish planets orbiting some inescapable star.

‘Properly effectively effectively,’ mentioned Ratliff, ‘I reckon thats the fifth time weve been round this sq. and I nonetheless aint seen no parkin house. Why dont you simply pull up in entrance of that fireside hydrant — its just for a minute, anyhow.’

And now the musty odor of outdated leather-based—the thick, certain books containing what Father as soon as referred to as the sum complete of mans ignorance: ceteris paribus and tempus fugit and caveat emptor too, and Oliver Wendell Holmes with Saint Francis himself, who by no means had a parking ticket and very first thing lets kill all of the attorneys and that i father i’ve dedicated grand theft auto and he this appears to be like extra like a parking ticket to me and that i however are they not the identical and he you’d take a wonderfully widespread automotive error, an inevitable consequence of working a motorcar and you’d make it monstrous and that i nevertheless it IS monstrous and he its solely fifteen {dollars}, its not precisely the top of the world and that i however i’ve nonetheless failed and he arbitrary strains delimiting segments of tarmac, the sum complete of mans folly diminished to strains drawn ceteris paribus on some cosmic concrete chalkboard and that i however did you ever get one and he in fact and that i what number of occasions and he you need me to Depend—NoCount would ever fulfill you and that i however dont you imagine in sin and he sin quentin was a time period coined by these with out braveness to explain the actions of those that did certainly possess it and that i however then our lives are simply and he our lives are simply so many tiny clumsy sandcastles earlier than the godless oceans offended tide.

I took the ashtray from the desk and I positioned it on the ground. Then I noticed that I had forgotten the gasoline and so I needed to open the cupboard and take the can and take away the cap. The gasoline stung my nostrils as I poured it into the ashtray. I changed the cap and I put the can again in its cupboard. I positioned the parking ticket within the ashtray and I soaked it effectively with the gasoline. Then I remembered that I wanted a match, however my hand had already discovered the matchbook in my pocket, and so I didnt need to open the cupboard any extra.

Alas, the competition has been suspended since 2005, however some of the winners are archived here.





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