EVERYTHING GETS A SNYDER CUT!

DISSATISFIED WITH ANY PART OF YOUR LIFE OR WORLD? JUST SUPER-SIZE IT!

The largely positive reception of Zack Snyder’s director’s cut of Justice League, which reverses many of the edits of Joss Wheedon’s version and furnishes fans with a four-hour restored epic, has spurred Snyder to apply the same philosophy to other works and artifacts.

“I had a vision,” said Snyder. “I had to exit the film for personal reasons. Joss Wheedon came in and changed it. His version was not well-received, and while I bear him specifically no ill-will, I did feel that the original deserved to be seen.” He paused. “Oh: that’s been explained? I just wanted to be comprehensive.”

Snyder, again, has since been motivated to apply the same philosophy to other works and artifacts.

“I had a vision,” said Snyder. “Oh, we’ve done that already? Leave it in. Part of my vision. After I restored Justice League by expanding another man’s inferior interpretation, I cast around for other things to restore and expand. I had an article I was writing for a magazine about Justice League. It was originally five thousand words. The editor brought it down to two thousand. But now? Twelve thousand. That article: The Snyder Cut!”

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He held up a sheaf of papers and shook them.

“Then I had a cup of coffee. It was, I don’t know, nine ounces?” He shouted at an off-camera assistant. “Ten ounces. Someone poured it for me. That’s how Hollywood goes sometimes. But that isn’t so much, is it? I restored it. My new cup of coffee is forty gallons.” He shouted again at an off-camera assistant, who dragged a garbage can into frame. That cup of coffee: The Snyder Cut!“

MADNESS?

Snyder went on. He held up a thirty-foot long pair of socks. “My socks: The Snyder Cut.” He held up a ten-foot-tall apple. “An apple: The Snyder Cut.” He ran into the bathroom and flushed the toilet. “This thing will flush continuously for fourteen months. This toilet flushing: The Snyder Cut.”

The reporter, growing uncomfortable, didn’t know what to say. “Hey,” Snyder shouted. “Awkward Pause: The Snyder Cut!” The reporter tried to get a word in edgewise. “Word in Edgewise,” Snyder shrieked, “the Snyder Cut.”

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The assistant who had dragged in the tub of coffee appeared once again in frame and spoke directly to the reporter. “Howie here,” he said. “I’m Mr. Snyder’s assistant. I think he’s going to need to take a short nap.”

“A long short nap,” said Snyder. “The Snyder Cut. Uncontrollable laughter: The Snyder Cut! James and the Giant Peach: The Snyder Cut! Leviticus 15:2: The Snyder Cut!”

Howie and Snyder began to tussle, with Howie eventually pulling Snyder’s sweater up over his head and then shoving him into the side of the giant coffee tub, which spilled slightly. “Ow,” Snyder said. “Discomfort: The Snyder Cut! The! The Snyder Cut! Snyder! The Snyder Cut!” He dipped a finger into the coffee. “It’s very hot but could be hotter. Heat: The Snyder Cut!”

Howie reached for the telephone and dialed. “It’s happening again,” he said into the phone. “Yes, during an interview again. It should wear off in nine hours or so. I’ll call you back.” He hung up the phone and fell to the couch, sapped of all strength. 

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